These Games We Play
by Katie Brown Eyes
Summary: Everlark, Post-Mockingjay. Katniss and Peeta try to put themselves back together. What happens when Gale comes back, Caesar makes a phone call, and Haymitch has a moment of clarity... and will Katniss find her way back to the boy with the bread? R R
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone. I haven't uploaded a new story in, gosh, a year? This is my first Hunger Games fanfiction. It will be a chapter fic, so this is far from all of it. Thank you so much for clicking on this story and I hope you enjoy!_

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything Hunger Games or any of the characters- I'm not that fortunate._

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Chapter One. 

I open my eyes to see sunlight streaming through my open window. Judging by the position, it's almost noon. I groan and roll over, pulling the blankets around me and willing the sun to go away. My body is stiff and I feel the bruises forming on my wrists and sides. The reality of yesterday hits me at once and I bury myself further into the sheets.

Yesterday I had an episode. They hit me suddenly, with little warning. I haven't had one this bad in a while. It had been almost a year since the war ended and I returned to District 12. People had returned and started to rebuild the town; tearing away the remains of the old district and building new, sturdy wooden houses and shops in their place. Most of the debris and human remains have been cleared away, and the town was coming along nicely. At least, that's what Sae has told me. I can't bear to leave the victor's village. I can barely leave my own house.

Haymitch raises Geese. I practice with my bow in the shallow woods surrounding the village. I can't kill anything yet. Once, I tried to take aim at a rabbit behind my house and was struck by a flashback of my arrow plunging into Marvel and the look on his mothers face during the victory tour. Peeta bakes. Peeta bakes for me.

A few months after he planted the primrose bushes, Peeta made some cheese buns for me as a peace offering. I could tell that he was nervous. I was nervous too. How in the world where we supposed to move on? Was he expecting to walk in to my life again and have everything be normal? I could feel him looking at me with his blue eyes and asking the questions in his mind.

It was Peeta that pulled me out of my episode last night. He was over for dinner, which has become a common occurrence. He would come over in the afternoon and we would watch some news coverage of the rebuilding of Panem. Sometimes it was too difficult, so we would just talk about things. Haymitch and his geese, Greasy Sae and her granddaughter, phone calls from Johanna and Annie. We even had a small laugh when Haymitch was staggering around his house, trying to get away from his following of geese.

If Peeta has a flashback, he usually feels it coming on. I can tell when he excuses himself in the middle of dinner or a TV program. He gets tense and his eyes loose all color and turn to grey. He goes back to his house and I don't hear from him until late the next day. I usually run over to Haymitch's house to make sure he checks on Peeta. I don't trust either one of us for me to go over just yet.

But he's Peeta. He's the boy with the bread, the kind and gentle baker who always double knots his shoelaces and loves the orange of the sunset. In between crying over Prim and the war casualties that visit me in my sleep, I miss him.

Last night was like that. We were eating some cheese buns and a stew that Sae had brought over earlier in the day. Peeta was telling me about the rebuilding of the town, and how he was thinking of opening a new bakery. I nodded and reached for my plate to put in the sink.

On my way over, I felt it.

It was Prim, burning and crying out to me. I turned away and my gaze rested on the fireplace where I saw her burning right in front of my eyes. She was shouting.

"Katniss! Help! Help me! Why can't you save me?"

I felt myself scream. I didn't hear it, though. I all heard was Prim. I ran into the hallway and ducked into a coat closet that I always seem to gravitate towards when I do this. I fling myself onto the coats and boots and sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I tried to bury myself into the depths of the closet so I would never have to come out. I never wanted to see fire again. I didn't want to see anything again.

Peeta was calling for me outside the door, and he heard my sobs. I felt cool air rush into my hiding place and Peeta was on his knees next to me.

I don't remember much else. I was crying and shaking and I remember Peeta's strong arms around me and his lips on my hair. He was pulling my hands away from my sides that I didn't know I was gripping for dear life. I figured that's where my bruises came from.

The door opened to my room and I was pulled from my reflections. I closed my eyes tight and sighed.

"Katniss?"

I opened one eye to see Peeta standing by my bed with a steaming mug of hot chocolate in his hand. I was about to sink back into the covers when I caught a whiff of the warm, chocolaty beverage. I sat up slowly. I met Peeta's gaze with my grey eyes and muttered "thank you".

He managed a small smile as he handed me the mug and sat down on the edge of my bed. I didn't know what else to say. I noticed the concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine, Peeta."

"I know, Katniss. I just wanted to make sure. I was just going to tell you that I'm heading into town to work on the bakery. Haymitch is home if you need anything."

I lifted one eyebrow at his last remark as I sipped some more cocoa.

"Peeta, if anything it's Haymitch who will need me today. I can smell him from here."

We quietly laughed and I sipped more of my drink. I felt Peeta slip his hand over mine and squeeze. I looked up at him, his blue eyes worried and his smile forced. The way he looked at me brought me back to the train before the Quarter Quell, and what it felt like to fall asleep with his arms around me so I could pretend I was safe for a few minutes. It was thinking about this that I realized he was wearing the same clothes as the day before; his grey shirt and his flour stained kakis were wrinkled like he had slept in a tight space. I asked him, my voice still rough from screaming the day before,

"Did you stay here last night?"

He squeezed my hand again and nodded. Then he stood up and walked towards the door. I stood up after him, stepping on the pillow and blanket that was next to my bed. It hit me.

"Peeta?"

He turned around. I walked towards him, and basically fell into his open arms. I gripped the folds in his shirt and breathed in the scent of cinnamon and spices. This was the boy with the bread. I didn't know if I was afraid or glad that he cared enough to sleep on my floor all night. But I knew that this is what the old Peeta would have done, and if the boy with the bread could come back to me then that would be the one thing I didn't lose.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks to everyone who favorited this story! I wrote it on a whim, to get this out of me. Have no fear, I have a plan now! I wrote the outline last night. Also, I cried while writing this chapter. It could be that time of the month, or I'm just that good ;p just kidding. It's definatley that time of the month. Happy reading lovelies :)_

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Chapter Two.

Sometime later Peeta and I are watching some news coverage about the rebuilding of Panem. Thankfully the media has moved on from fictional love stories and glorified murder. As it turns out, the citizens of the Capitol are a lot less willing to buy into it all once it was their own family that was killed. There are new people in charge of the networks, which I'm sure counts for something. Cressinda is working closely with them, so I trust the reporting to be accurate (as much as I can trust anything ever again).

Every day is almost the same; a Capital newscaster, without the heavy makeup and dyed skin, stands in front of the construction efforts across the districts. They show the reconstruction of the marina in District 4, clearing away the debris and bodies from District 2, and the building of new justice buildings in each. They're called "city centers" now, and are used for less horrific things. Permits and offices mostly. Ours in 12 is just now being lined with brick and wooden framing. I'm told I'll need a permit to hunt again.

The Hob is back in order. Although, I suppose it's legal now. We no longer have peacekeepers, but a few representatives from surrounding districts and the Capitol to oversee things. They don't seem to care about the Hob. The weather is getting nicer, and I'm told by Haymitch and Peeta that they gather under a wooden frame with canvas for roofing. The actual building should be finished by the fall. This reminds me of the time of year, and my stomach falls down to my feet.

It's easy to ignore the leaves coming back and the chirping of birds when you're inside all the time. I look at the corner of the TV screen, next to a portly man reporting from District 7.

It says May 7th.

I immediately regret the second cheese bun I had for lunch and stand up as fast as I can, making my way to the small bathroom in the downstairs hallway. I fling the door open and lean against the tiled wall facing the toilet, willing myself to not throw up all the food I've ever eaten. I'm pretty sure I feel my lungs and heart coming up, too.

"Katniss?"

I hear Peeta at the door. I whisper, "It's almost May 14," and he understands.

"Do you want some water or anything?"

I shook my head, already starting to feel angry at him. His acts of kindness and the way he looks at me when I'm upset (and when I'm not, come to think of it) just makes me more confused about what I'm supposed to feel about him. I can't be bothered to worry about my feelings for Peeta- I'm too full of hurt and shame for anything else. Sometimes I'm touched by the gestures, like when he slept on my floor a few weeks ago.

But now I'm mad. I want to suffer alone and not have to deal with Peeta. Because, the fact is, I blame myself for him too.

I don't need water. I need a different kind of drink. I've never been so thankful that Haymitch is my neighbor.

I push past Peeta and walk over to Haymitch's house. I open the door and the stench of liquor and sweat almost knocks me over with the strength of it. Haymitch is asleep on the floor; it seems as if he rolled off the couch in his drunken stupor. He snores loudly and is still clutching a bottle of white liquor in his hand.

Without hesitation I make my way over to him and kick him swiftly in the ribs. He grunts opens his eyes to look at me. I ignore the profanities he mutters under his breath and say, "I need a drink."

I hear him mutter, "Get it yourself Mockingjay" and point at one of the kitchen cabinets. I grab the first bottle I see and quickly turn to leave so I don't pass out myself from the smell.

I meet Peeta half way between houses; his brow is furrowed so I can tell he is both angry and concerned.

"Katniss, what are you doing?"

"What the hell does it look like?"

I take swig from the bottle as I move to step past him, but he blocks my way. I feel it burn my throat as I take another. Peeta looks at me disapprovingly.

"That's the last thing you need right now, Katniss."

I take another huge swig and glare at him. He should know why I'm doing this. Of all people, Peeta shouldn't criticize me for wanting to forget. I just wish him and his stupid blue eyes that remind me of Prim would walk away.

Prim.

Now I'm done. I can feel myself unraveling at the seams and falling apart, piece by piece. Tears immediately well up in my eyes and I gulp down some more liquor.

"Damn it Peeta! Just leave me alone."

The last part is almost a desperate plea.

I push past him and walk into my house, my voice cracking from the effect of the liquor as well as the sobs threatening to escape my mouth.

But, he follows me through the door, living room, and the kitchen.

"Katniss, come on…"

"She would have been 14!"

I yell, with more ferocity than I intended as I spun around to face him. He just stands there, his arms at his sides and the softest look I have ever seen plastered on his face. Then he takes a step forward, and I know he's reaching for the bottle.

"No!"

"Katniss, please!"

"Just let me do this!"

I lunged away from him but he follows. I was desperate. I'm sobbing with the knowledge that I need this. I can't deal with the memory any more. Prim is gone; in her place I was clutching a bottle of liquor until my knuckles turned white and begging for Peeta to let me get drunk.

For the first time in my life I understand Haymitch, and wish I hadn't kicked him.

"Stop Peeta! Stop! You don't…. you don't know!"

I lurched away from him, sobbing but still managed to take another swing. I turned to look at him slowly when I realized he stopped grabbing for the bottle. His blue eyes were dark and his brow was still furrowed. He said my name again, quietly but strained.

"You really think I don't know what this feels like?"

"Peeta…"

"Stop this Katniss! I lost my whole family, I know how you feel! Damn it Katniss, I'm not going to sit here and let you drink away your sister and turn into Haymitch!"

I opened my mouth to say something, but he kept shouting.

"I don't understand you! You ignore the medicine from Dr. Aurelius, but then you do this! You can't keep going on like this!"

He stopped, his large chest heaving.

I knew he was right. Dr. Aurelius had sent me some blue gel pills a few months ago to take when I started feeling like this. I just let them gather dust in my bathroom cupboard and try to ignore my feelings until I just can't.

Like now.

Peeta looks at me again, and reaches once more for the bottle. I try to run away, but end up hip checking the table and knocking a few dishes on the floor. They shattered, and Peeta stopped mid motion. He just stood there, frozen with his eyes squeezed shut and his fists clenched at his sides. I knew something was wrong. Really, really wrong. I stepped towards him cautiously and whispered,

"Peeta?"

He looked up at me, his eyes completely void of color and his face angry. He backed up against the wall and slid down towards the floor with his head in his hands. He started to shake, and I knelt down next to him.

He was having an episode. It was the first one I've seen in a long time, but of course I knew he retreated to his own house when he felt one coming on.

"Peeta, please look at me. Not real, Peeta! Not real!"

His head shot up and he was glaring at me.

"You! You hurt me!"

"Peeta, no…"

"You did! You played me in the Games, you pretended to care about me…"

His eyes blinked rapidly and he twitched away from me.

"Not real Peeta!"

"You played me so you could get to me! You told them…you told them… you told…."

He started breathing heavier and heavier.

"You told them, they bombed 12 and killed everyone! You killed everyone! My dad and brothers…"

"Not real Peeta! That was the Capitol! I didn't hurt you! Peeta, please! Not real!"

I've never been so panicked, and I've never heard one this bad in so long. I was overpowered with guilt and wonder for a second if he would be better off without me. Of course he would. But I still yelled, "Not real!"

I began the routine I would do when he got like this.

"Your name is Peeta Mellark, you're a painter, you're a baker, and you like to sleep with the windows open! You never take sugar in your tea, and you always double-knot your shoelaces, your favorite color is orange like the sunset!"

The shaking started to subside, and his breathing got quieter. I continued, "Your favorite thing to bake is cheese buns, because they're for me. This isn't real, Peeta, I promise."

He swallowed, and I could see his adam's apple bob up and down. His voice cracked when he spoke, "How do I know?"

"Because this isn't shiny, Peeta. The Capitol injected you with trackerjacker venom to confuse you. This is real; when the Capitol gave you memories it was always shiny. This is real; I never killed your family. Peeta…"

I took his face in my hands and felt the sweat. His shaking stopped, but his eyes were still closed. After a moment he opened them; they were back to blue.

"Katniss, I'm sorry."

All I could do was hug him, the bottle of white liquor at my side and forgotten. He hugged me back, hesitant at first. I was almost crying, but I didn't want him to know he upset me so much. That broken plate triggered something, and if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have had this attack. It was my fault.

"It wasn't your fault, Katniss."

How could he still read my mind like that? How could the boy with the bread, after everything he's been through, still read my mind?

I turned to sit next to him, but he didn't move his arm from me. He still clutched me to him like I was going to disappear. I took note that this was the closest we've been sense we both returned to 12.

Neither one of us said anything else until our breathing turned to normal. When it did, I reached for the bottle, taking care to not move away from him. I sheepishly held it out to him as a peace offering.

He looked at it, then at me, and a smile crept across his face. He even managed a small chuckle, which I returned when he took it from me and took a small sip that made his face crinkle. He took another, less adverse to it this time and held it out to me. I took a sip and passed it back.

We continued this for while. I remember laughing with Peeta, and crying with him. At one point he said something so funny I fell over, clutching my ribs. I don't remember what it was. Something about this wasn't what he pictured when he thought of us getting drunk together.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer:** Not mine_

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Chapter Three. _  
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"Get up! Up! See, this is what happens when I let the Mockingjay and the boy have booze…"

I opened my eyes to Haymitch's rough voice. I was on my couch in the living room, Peeta's arm around my waist. We were sprawled across both the couch and the floor; my arm and one leg dangling in the air. If it wasn't for Peeta's grip on me, I'm sure I would have fallen. There was the bottle of white liquor on the floor as well as two more, which I didn't remember getting…

I started to gain awareness of what exactly was going on around me. The sun was streaming into the house, only so much stronger than I ever remembered. Every move Haymitch made in the kitchen (which was louder than usual, but I expected he was doing in on purpose) was amplified tenfold and I felt my head pounding. Peeta stirred next to me and mumbled something I couldn't recognize.

When I was beginning to stir and tried to release myself from Peeta, Haymitch came pounding into the room with two steaming cups of coffee. He sat on the coffee table, a smug look on his face as he surveyed the damage. He waited to start talking. Apparently, he was thoroughly amused.

I turned my head towards Peeta, and he smiled at me instantly. He didn't look very awake himself. An almost unrecognizable "Hey" fell from his lips. Oh good lord did he smell like Haymitch. I turned my head, only a bit too fast and fell off the couch. I groaned as Haymitch unleashed a fit of laughter and Peeta leaned over, sputtering his apologies.

"It's alright Peeta…just…stop screaming…"

My voice sounded rough, and I somehow managed to sit up half way. Haymitch laughed again and I resisted the urge to strangle him. Before I could insult him he shoved the coffee in my face and I took it without questions. I closed my eyes and heard Peeta sip his as well.

"Well well well, how the tables have turned."

I could almost see the look on his face, my eyes still closed. Peeta asked, his voice equally rough, "What are you doing here?" I managed to hoist myself up on the couch next to Peeta before he answered.

"Just seeing what happened to my liquor. Also, Mockingjay, not such a pretty sight when you throw up. I don't know what you see in her, boy." He laughed again.

"What are you waiting for? Drink the damn coffee. It doesn't help, to be honest, but it gives you something to do."

I slowly sipped the bitter drink and, not sure why, kept drinking.

"Now, don't bother me for the rest of the day. I plan on following your example until I don't remember my own name."

He stomped out of the house, making a point to slam the door. Peeta and I groaned simultaneously and fell back against the couch. I noticed he was almost done with his coffee, so I wordlessly handed him mine. It was the first time I got a good look at him. Hungover Peeta is quite the sight. His blonde hair is wild; going in all directions and sticking up in the back. His eyes are incredibly blood shot, and it's the first time I notice the blonde stubble on his face.

It looks nice…

"What are you staring at?"

He laughs at me, and I pray to all that is good and holy that he doesn't see me blush. He hasn't taken my coffee yet, so I push it toward him some more.

"Are you sure?"

I nod. "I never liked the stuff anyway."

He took my cup and didn't say anything else for a while.

"So, are you alright?"

"I should be asking you the same thing."

He sheepishly looked at me from over the coffee mug. There he goes again, with that look. I can tell he still remembers the horrible episode he had, how afraid I had gotten, and how tightly he held me afterword. He hadn't done that in a long time. I didn't realize how much I missed it.

"They're not usually that bad. I know you blame yourself, Katniss, but it wasn't you. Anything I said during the episode I didn't mean."

I looked down at the ground, by braid slung over my shoulder. It had come partially undone during some part of last night. I didn't bother asking if anything had happened between us, I would have seen it on his face. I whispered,

"I know."

"Are you alright, with everything?"

Of course I wasn't alright. I wasn't sure I would ever be again. I didn't know what to say, so I settled for remaining silent until Peeta moved a little closer to me and I felt him rub a few strands of my hair between his fingers. This simple gesture sent chills and warmth down my spine all at the same time. I felt him lean towards me and press his lips against my temple. The feel of his breath on me and his fingers in my hair is all too much.

"Peeta, I can't."

I turned to look at him and I could tell he was hurt, but I also knew he expected it. As if on cue, the phone in the hallway rang. I lifted my eyes to his, staring at him through two more rings. I finally pulled myself away and answered the phone. I would usually ignore it or take inspiration in Haymitch and disconnect the thing, but I needed to get away from Peeta.

"Hello?"

"Katniss? What is this, the first time you've used the phone? It's Dr. Aurelius. How are you doing?"

I don't know what to say, as usual, so I don't say anything.

"Alright, then. That bad?"

I'm not sure why, but I tell him in a quiet voice.

"I had a breakdown, and Peeta had an episode."

"Have you been to town, Katniss?"

I was caught off guard right away, and also really annoyed. I've just told him the first real bit of information I was willing to part with in two years, and he asks me a stupid question like this.

"No," I answer, annoyed.

"I think you should. Take Peeta with you. You haven't been out of Victor's Village in almost a year, Katniss. You need to see District 12 as more than just ashes."

I don't say anything. I hear him sigh. "Well, I'll call in a few weeks. Good luck, Katniss. Tell Peeta I'll call him tomorrow."

I listen to the dial tone for a few minutes and then hang up. I don't want to go to town. I don't want to see the wreckage of buildings. I don't even want to see the new buildings. The people of District 12 will be there, wanting to talk to me and wish me luck. If I see a familiar face, it will bring back bad memories. If I don't see a familiar face, I'll know why and I'll blame myself. They will stare. Or, they'll ignore me. Even worse, they might shoot me looks of pity from a distance.

"What did he say?"

I turn to look at Peeta, his hands in the pockets of his kakis.

"He thinks I should go into town. But I don't want to."

He just looks at me, waiting. I get frustrated and cross my arms across my chest.

"I don't!"

"I think you should. Greasy Sae has been asking you to visit at the Hob, and I heard Delly is back in town. She's going to work in the new factory. It'll be open in a few months."

He looked down at me, his stupid (and, I'll admit it, gorgeous) blue eyes searching mine. "You have to go eventually."

So, I agree to go. Mostly because my house smells like Haymitch.

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"It'll be fine, Katniss. Trust me, alright? We can leave if you want."

I don't bother with a smile as Peeta steps closer to me and takes hold of my hand. We're almost to town and I'm already regretting it fast. We make our way through the woods; the leaves blowing in the subtle wind and the sunshine (despite my leftover hangover) bring me a moment of peace until I remember where I'm going.

We make a turn and are in town, just like that. A few buildings have been put up. They are modest, made of fresh pine and in some cases brick. What looks to be a small monument is in the center of the square where the whipping post used to be. A three story, white building is being constructed a small distance away. Peeta tells me that it is the new factory that we will make medicines at. That's one of the few things I'm happy about. There is no more coal mining in 12.

I see the partially constructed city center, a handful of the pine houses and a small store. The train station looks clean and well used. I suppose I should have expected, what with travel between districts allowed and people going back and forth with supplies and the like. I hear a shriek coming from one of the houses, and Delly is making a b line towards the two of us. She looks thinner, and her blonde hair is pulled back in a long braid. She is still wearing the clothes issued from District 13. Peeta shoots me a look, and my grip tightens on his hand.

"Peeta, I don't know if I can."

Delly's perky spirit is the absolute last thing I need right now. He nods, and suggests that I wait here while he says hello for politeness sake. He lets go of my hand and walks towards Delly, who promptly hugs him and talks in a very animated way.

All of a sudden the buildings grow closer around me and I feel claustrophobic. The sunlight is too bright and I become paranoid that everyone is staring at me, so I turn on the heel of my leather hunting boots and run back to my house.

I don't know what I was thinking.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey everyone! I was wondering if you guys could give me some feed back on the characters. I'm super worried that this Katniss isn't like book!Katniss. Also, any favorite parts so far? Reviews make my life. Siriusly :)_

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Chapter Four.

I was bracing myself for the next day. Tomorrow, May 14th, Prim would have been fourteen. I don't know what to do with myself, really. Peeta knows that the day is coming and he's been around a lot more lately. When I have outbursts or I yell, he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to fight. Even Haymitch has been a little lax with the "Mockingjay" comments.

Peeta made cheese buns. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hadn't been hungry all day, so I nibbled on one while Peeta was watching some news coverage of District 6. When he turned away I threw it out the window, Buttercup pawing it and eating the cheese off the top. I wouldn't let him in the house today.

I know that half of my panic and overwhelming desire to throw myself off a cliff was my mind psyching myself out. It's the day that's controlling me. It won't make me miss Prim more, just like all the other days don't make me miss her less. I miss her the same, but sometimes I retreat within myself and make myself sick with thoughts of her. May 14th isn't the problem. The problem is I hate myself, because I'm responsible for Prim's death. The problem is that all I can think about is I'll never get to put her blonde hair in one braid instead of two. I'll never get to show her the other districts. She was always so curious. I'll never get to talk to her about Gale, or Peeta, or Mom, or any boys she has crushes on in school. I wouldn't be very helpful in that area, but I still can't help but miss it. I miss it even though I never had it.

With Prim gone I feel so alone. She really was the only person I was sure I loved. My mother almost never talks to me. Not that I'm angry with her or anything. I wouldn't know what to say. Gale is gone, and our relationship will never be the same. The war did things to him, as I'm sure it did things to me, but besides that I'm very sure nothing could have happened with us anyway. Gale is fire, and I've had enough. He's too much like me and not enough like me at the same time. I try not to think about it. And Peeta… I'm glad he's here. I don't know how I feel about him, or what I want from him, but I can take it a day at a time and I know that if he hadn't come back to 12 I would still me holed up in my coat closet with Haymitch's liquor.

In a way, Peeta is the best person for me right now, with all of the feelings I'm having about Prim. I sometimes forget that Peeta lost two brothers when District 12 was bombed. They died like Prim.

And then it hits me. I see her, clear as day, in the kitchen with me and the cheese buns. She's burning, burning, and screaming for me. I let out a scream and hide my face in my hands. It's like I'm hallucinating; it can't be real but it is, and I can feel the heat on my skin.

My head shoots up and I'm on the kitchen floor, sweating and breathing so heavily I sound like I've just run the full length of the Seam. Peeta is there and trying to hold me still. I feel so panicked. It's like I'm back in the Capitol.

"Peeta…"

"It's alright, Katniss. I'm right here, OK?"

I keep breathing heavy, and now I'm hyperventilating. Peeta looks panicked.

"Katniss, I'll be right back. I'm getting you some water."

He rushes, his footsteps heavy, somewhere behind me and appears a second later. He holds out a glass of water and one of the blue pills Dr. Aurelius sent me. I didn't want to take it. I don't want to have anything the Capitol gave me ever again. I don't trust it. I'm scared of it. But Peeta begs me with his eyes and I know Prim wouldn't want me a crying mess on the kitchen floor. I take deep breaths, Peeta rubbing my back and eventually I can control myself enough to swallow the pill with a gulp of cold water.

I lay on the hard wood floor, exhausted, with Peeta letting me rest my head on his leg. I blink my eyes and I hear Haymitch, his voice quieter than usual. I know it isn't a dream because I can smell the alcohol. It taunts me, because I know I don't have the strength to get some and even if I did Peeta would take it away.

The medicine is making me drowsy, and I manage to whisper to Peeta, "tired" when he helps me sit up. I have a pounding headache, and when I reach to brush a strand of hair from my face I can feel that I'm crying, but not hard enough for my whole body to shake like before. It must be the pill.

Peeta helps me to my feet, and I wobble as the room slides out of focus.

"Peeta, I feel sick."

I know I'm talking, but I don't hear my words. Somehow I end up in my bathroom upstairs, throwing up into the toilet with Peeta holding my hair back. I blink and open my eyes again. Now I'm sitting on my bed, and my whole body is sticky with sweat. It was like this before, when I first came back to 12. I wasn't as drowsy and the rooms didn't spin. That must be from the pill. The center of me feels so heavy. It's like I'm physically carrying all this pent up pain I've been saving for today. I hear some people whispering, and then I feel soft hands on me and hear a gentle voice as I'm guided back into the bathroom.

My braid is undone, then my shift dress unzipped and I'm in the tub and surrounded by cool water that feels good against my skin. My eyes come into focus for a split second and I see Greasy Sae, worried but with a small smile on her face that I knew was meant to reassure me.

I blink again and I'm laying on my bed, almost sideways, my head propped against the headboard. Peeta is sitting next to me, talking but I can't hear a word of it. My hair is loose and I sense small movements by my shoulder. Then I realize that Peeta is braiding my hair.

I don't know why, but to know that he's doing this for me makes my chest squeeze tight and my eyes fill with tears. He's done and I lean forward to him, gripping his t-shirt in my hands and crying harder than I ever remember doing.

He holds me tight against him, and I try to bury myself as close as I can to him so I won't have to move away and face the world. The drowsiness is gradually wearing off, and I feel the pain returning wave upon wave. It radiates through the roots of my hair and down to my toes. I can now feel the tears on my skin and hear what Peeta is saying to me.

But he isn't saying anything.

He's singing.

He's singing, very slowly and softly, the song I sang to Rue when she was dieing. I try to breathe easier, filling my lungs with large gulps of cool air and slowly letting go.

"Peeta?" I choke out.

"Are you back?" He asks, a forced lightness to his voice, and I know he's trying to make me feel better.

I feel like I've been gone for days. But then it only feels like a few seconds. I'm just so tired and I can tell it's now night time, but I don't know the hour. I eventually look up at him, my body completely exhausted from the crying and breathing and throwing up. I can even feel my body running out of tears as they begin to fall from my eyes at a slower pace.

Peeta looks at me and I can tell he's worried.

"Do you want me to go?"

What? How could he think that? Peeta is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I look at him and I know I can't be selfish and cry myself into a coma when I feel like this. I look at him and I see how strong he is, how he got better after the Capitol hijacked him and even though he still has episodes he keeps pushing forward.

I look at him as he remains lucid and… just so _human, _despite everything.

I look at him and I'm reminded that I'm not the only one who lost someone they love.

I look at him and I know that even though I've been through so much, I still have the boy with the bread. Even though I'm still unsure of what I want him to be to me, I know he's here and no matter what happens, that won't change.

Because we take care of each other.

"No, Peeta."

Of course, I can't tell him any of that. I'm surprised I even formed some sort of coherent thought about it all.

He doesn't say anything after that. He just leans a bit closer to me, both of us lying down now, and holds me in his arms. I sink back into him like before and hook one of my legs around his. It felt like the nights on the train heading to the Quarter Quell.

I still feel overwhelming anguish when images of Prim flash through my mind, but I slowly inch towards sleep when it starts to softly rain outside and Peeta's breathing becomes shallow and calming.

* * *

I'm in the Capitol, people are screaming and running and crying. I turn and there's Prim, tending to the wounded children. She looks at me and I catch her eyes for a split second before she bursts into flames. She disappears like a cloud of mist, and then Cinna is in the flames. He turns into Rue, then Marvel, Clove, Cato, my father…

Now I'm in a coal mine and it's exploding all around me. Limbs are flying everywhere, but then Gale is there. He saves me, drags me out of the chaos. I start to thank him, but he laughs and it's Snow's laugh.

I scream again, louder and louder as everything falls apart around me until I can only hear Snow laughing, smell blood, and see Prim in the distance covered in flames and crying.

I sit up in bed, covered head to foot in sweat. The window is open, letting in a cool wet breeze from the still falling rain. The sky is still dark, with a very faint blue beginning to show along the tree tops. Peeta is still next to me.

"Hey, it's alright. Shhh, Katniss. Not real, OK? It's not real."

He holds me again, letting me cry into his chest for the one hundredth time that day. But I know it is real. My sister is dead, and I killed her. I killed everyone.

"It's my fault. It's my fault."

"No, it's not your fault. You didn't hurt Prim. Coin did. It was her idea, Katniss. The Capitol killed everyone else."

"But I started it! Those damn berries…"

"What else could you have done, Katniss? You had no idea what that would start. You were just trying to get back home to your sister. Shhh, Katniss. I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna leave you."

Somehow those words sent a small wave of relief through me. What did Dr. Aurelius say in that phone call a while ago? Small things. Think of the small things and the things that make you happy, even for a second.

"Do you think we'll ever be normal again, Peeta?"

I asked him in a soft voice. I heard it crack from the sore throat I now had from screaming and crying. He slowly pushed the stray hair from my face and looked at me. And, I believed him when he said,

"No one will be normal again. But we will be better."

He pulled me closer to him and added, "I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

_Hey guys! I know I've taken a long time to write this, and it's a short cliff-hanger. Don't kill me! I'm curious to know what you think will happen, and also what you thought of the last HG book. Personally, I needed more closure on Everlark. Insert fanfiction! Thank you for reading, and remember to review please! :D _

_also, if you want, follow me on tumblr! I have harry potter, hunger games, doctor who, coffee/food, funny stuff, news, lit and books, photography, and other random things. _

**_www (dot) sipping-coffee-at-hogwarts (dot) tumblr (dot) com _**

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Chapter Five.

For a long time this is all that we do. Ever since my nightmares and Prim's birthday, Peeta comes over as usual for dinner and to watch the news coverage. But now he stays with me. Once he started doing this I found it difficult to remember how I ever fell asleep all alone in this cold house without Peeta's arms around me.

I still have nightmares, though. Peeta still has episodes. He is getting better lately. They are short and not very frequent. Usually they happen at night, when he has just brushed his teeth in the small bathroom adjacent to my room. Once I found him, staring at the bathroom counter with his toothbrush clutched so tight in his hand that his knuckles were turning white. He didn't know where he was. He didn't know me either. I was so scared. He looked at me like he was lost; lost and angry and ready to take it all out on me.

All I could do was repeat the usual things I tell him when he gets like this. He never takes sugar in his tea; his favorite color is orange like the sunset, and the others.

He snapped out of it fairly quick and didn't remember slipping into the episode, so I let him continue to brush his teeth and prayed he wouldn't see my red eyes when he walked back in to get into bed. He did, but he didn't say anything. I think he suspected he had an episode, because he held me extra close to him that night.

I wake up in a cold sweat and screaming almost every night. I don't even remember what I dreamed about most of the time. I'm all of a sudden awake and crying and Peeta is there to calm me down. I feel like if he wasn't there with me I would just fall apart, and it scares me.

We've become dependent on each other. Out of all of Panem, we are the only two who know what the other has been through. Sure, there's Haymitch, but he's drunk basically every moment he is awake. He wasn't in the arena during the Quarter Quell, either.

Peeta talks to Dr. A on the phone every week. I'm supposed to have private calls, or join in with Peeta's, but I haven't been in the mood lately. When I try to talk about everything that happened and what I think and what is happening now, the words die in my throat and I feel like I haven't had a drink in days. Peeta was always good with words, and I know he gives Dr. A updates about me.

Sometimes I take the pills. They are huge and hurt my throat when I swallow, but I know that if they help me even in the smallest way it would be an improvement. I take them for Prim and I take them for Peeta. I take them for Finnick and Annie's son, who shouldn't have to grow up in a world where bitter war veterans are walking around like ghosts.

One night I have a nightmare that shakes me to my bones. I don't remember when I wake up, but I was shaking and crying like I always do. I was holding the bed sheet to my body and not letting go. When Peeta finally pried it from my hands I was bleeding in the places my nails had dug into my skin. I was afraid the blood would trigger an episode for Peeta, but he was fine. He got both of us some tea and sat down with me in the bed. I curled into his chest and we fell asleep like that, with mugs in our hands. I woke up before him, which was very unusual, and looked at him until he stirred. He looked oddly peaceful, his blonde hair brushing against his forehead and his chest rising up and down.

And, I thought for just a second, that maybe we would be alright.

But that was before the worst day. I don't know if we're going to be alright now.

* * *

**GAAHHH! D: ( I will try to update soon. No worries!) **


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello! This chapter is long and emotional. Reviews are especially important to me for this chapter, so don't be shy!_

* * *

Chapter Six. 

The weather has started to get colder and the leaves are turning. Fall is slowly coming back to District 12. Peeta has been trying to get me into town recently, but I always find an excuse to not go. I don't want to see anyone, and I don't want to see the progress being made. A few families have relocated from 13, but they don't know how we used to be. It's upsetting to see new buildings being constructed over ruins and graves, even though I know I should feel the opposite. I should be happy that we are making progress. But, all I can think about is Prim and how she'll never get to see it all. Cinna won't be able to visit me, and neither will Rue or Finnick. They will become names on a plaque and I dread the thought that my sister will be reduced to just a number and a name.

Peeta has been working on his new bakery. He says he won't work there full time, not until he is completely sure that we are both alright. A few boys from 13 have shown interest, so for now Peeta is teaching them the basics. They also hand out bread to people in the town. With the new medicines building not yet ready, many people are still finding it hard to get by. I know that Peeta and I feel the same about people, especially children, going hungry. We both have too much money to know what to do with it, so handing out the baked goods is no problem.

The camera crews have been showing more interest in 12 lately. I can see the equipment being unloaded from my window, and I beg Peeta not to go into town. I'm afraid that they will follow him and ask him questions, worried that it might cause a flashback or that they will follow him to my house; I'll be trapped forever with my nightmares waiting outside. Peeta says not to worry, he made it clear to the reporters and camera crews that if they even so much as look in the direction of the Victor's Village it'll be the last thing they ever do. I feel instant relief flood over me as well as the urge to run to Peeta and hug him. I'm so glad he's back, even if I'm so confused.

But today was diffident. Today was so different.

We just woke up, and Peeta was in the bathroom running some water through his hair in an attempt to smooth it out. I stare at him and laugh, and then he shoots me a look.

"Don't even bother, Peeta. Your hair looked better in the arena."

He whips around and gives me another look, but this time it ends in a smile. I walk in to join him, reaching for my toothbrush when he splashes a ridiculous amount of water on my face.

"Peeta!"

I can hear him laughing, really hard so I let my anger ebb away. I wipe the water from my eyes with the corner of my nightdress and scowl at him.

"Oh, come on, you're not mad."

"How the hell do you figure, Mellark?"

He smiles when I use his last name. "Because you're smiling. And because I'm too good looking for you to stay mad at me."

I turn the sink on, fill my cupped hands with water, and throw it at his face. I smile again, "Doubtful."

He laughs and reaches for the water, which begins a pretty serious water fight. We're laughing and smiling, and eventually we end up soaked and on the floor of my bedroom. We're both catching our breath, and Peeta is absent mindedly running a strand of my hair through his fingers. I don't stop him.

"That's the first time we've laughed in a long time. Without being drunk, that is. Real or not real?"

I turn to him, smile and say, "Real."

"You meant it when you said 'doubtful', real or not real?"

I laugh again, but quieter this time. "Not real."

A smug smile spreads across his face. I ask the next question.

"You're happy here, real or not real?"

I had to ask. Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping Peeta here, away from what he really wants to be doing and away from the medical help in the Capitol. He could be doing anything, and yet he came back to District 12. It's not fair to him, to be here and worrying about me when he has his own issues to deal with. I want Peeta to be here with me, but if it isn't what he needs to be better, I would make him leave. After I ask he turns and looks at me for a moment. He stops playing with my hair and takes my hand instead.

"Real, Katniss. Always real."

He starts to move closer to me, his other hand brushing the hair from my face. I quickly sit up and practically run into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me and pulling my nightdress off as I turn on the shower and jump in. I stand there and let the hot water run over my face. I thought he was going to kiss me. That's why I ran away so fast.

When my skin begins to turn pink and wrinkled I turn off the water and step into my usual outfit of choice, a green long-sleeved shirt and the pants I always wore while hunting. I braid my damp hair to the side and take a breath before stepping out into my room.

Peeta is sitting on the floor, his back against the wall at the same place we just were. I could tell right away something was wrong. He was still in his loose t-shirt and sleep pants, staring straight ahead at what appeared to be nothing in particular. I take a cautious step forward.

"Peeta?"

He didn't move; it didn't even look like he was breathing. My heart started to beat out of my chest and I could feel the adrenaline surging through me. I kneeled down next to him and brush a strand of hair from his eyes.

"Peeta?" I ask again.

He closes his eyes, and I feel his whole body tense. His fists are clenched at his sides and at this point I'm sure he's having an episode. I take a deep breath and try to remain calm for him. I take another breath and open my mouth to start telling him this isn't real, that he is Peeta Mellark, when he looks at me and shoves me to the ground.

My head hits the floor hard, and I'm so stunned I don't realize that he did this to me. My instinct kicks in, the one that kept me going during the games. I sit up as fast as I can and back away from him.

"Peeta, this isn't real!"

He stands up, a look in his eyes that I don't recognize and I'm terrified. What could have triggered this? We were laughing and happy for the first time in who knows how long…

He starts shouting.

"Get away from me! You're a mutt! You're a monster! If you don't leave I'll, I'll…"

Peeta starts shaking when he isn't able to finish what he is saying. He is staring at the ground, and I know he is fighting himself. I beg him, in my mind, to remember me and to know I'm not the things he's saying.

"Not real, Peeta. Not real, alright? You're Peeta Mellark, remember? You never take sugar in your tea, and you always double knot your shoelaces…"

"Shut up! Shut up! I know what you did!"

He takes a step towards me, then a step back and turns to the corner of the room. His hands are in his hair and he is breathing so fast. He yells as he faces the wall, and I take a small step forward so I don't have to shout at him. Before I even get the words out of my mouth he starts to shout again. His tone is bitter, and it stings.

"You think you're so great. The Mockingjay, breaking hearts and taking names. That's what you did to me. You helped me during the games! You made me think that you…that you cared, and…"

He banged his fists against the wall, knocking over several things on the dresser.

"You used me and everyone else! You made me think you cared, that we were something, and then…"

I didn't hear much of the rest. He was mumbling and grinding his teeth. I heard the words "bombing", "fire", "killed", and many more. Then he once again turned toward me. His blue eyes had no color; his chest was heaving. He was no longer Peeta.

"And Gale."

My heart dropped. Don't do this Peeta. Gale doesn't belong here.

"You made me think you cared for me! And…and all that time, you were screwing him! Is that what you are, Katniss? Some kind of whore?"

"No Peeta! I wasn't! Not real, I never cared about Gale! Peeta please! This isn't real!"

The veins in his neck were throbbing, and his face was growing redder by the second. "I don't believe you! You had District 12 bombed; you killed my family and destroyed everything! You started the war on the Capitol! You killed…. You were going to kill me…. YOU'RE JUST A MUTT!"

He stepped toward me, fire in his eyes, and I think for a spit second that he's going to kill me. He's going to kill me, right here, in the room we just shared last night. He's going to kill me in the same room he held me in, kissed me in, and laughed with me in.

I put my arms up to block him and screamed for him to stop, to leave me alone. I screamed that this wasn't real and I willed him to wake up. But he didn't.

He pinned me against the wall, his grip on my arms rough and painful. He leaned his face close to mine, and it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I'm so scared of him. He was Peeta, and now he isn't. All of my training went out the window and I start to cry. He started to shout in my face.

"Admit it! Admit it before I kill you, I dare you! Say what you did!"

"I didn't Peeta! Not real! Not real! Your favorite color is orange you never take sugar in your tea…"

He pushed me further into the wall, and I felt his grip tighten on my arms.

"I didn't do those things! This isn't real Peeta! You're a painter, and a baker! Peeta, please!"

I feel him reaching for my neck. I don't want the last image that I have of Peeta, of the boy with the bread, to be with hate in his eyes. He is almost at my neck when he backs away from me, almost panting. His fists are clenched at his sides again and he is muttering. I think he's arguing with himself.

"You always double knot your shoelaces, you never take sugar in your tea, you like to sleep with the windows open, the Capitol hijacked you and that's why you're like this, I'm not a mutt, I never loved Gale…"

"Get out."

I stop talking, not understanding. I'm also breathing heavy, and I'm still pressed against the wall. "Peeta…"

"Get out before I hurt you!"

He is angry, and still in his episode. But for a moment the real Peeta is winning, so I slip out of the room and run to Haymitch's house. I must really look like a mess, because when he opens his door (a strange occurrence that I overlook because of the situation) he puts down the bottle of liquor he's holding and looks at me with an expression I've never seen.

"Katniss? What the hell is going on, I heard shouting. Woke me up, I'm not very happy about that…"

"Shut up Haymitch!" I yell, still trying to catch my breath.

"It's Peeta, Haymitch you need to do something. It's a bad one."

I leave out the details. He nods, takes another swig of his booze, and quickly makes his way to my house. Despite being drunk off his ass, Haymitch moves fast.

We both run into the house, but I let Haymitch go first. We're making our way up the stairs, and when we hear a loud crash he turns to me.

"I know he hit you; you can't go in there. Don't bother fighting with me right now. I need you to go to Peeta's house and get the pills in the kitchen cabinet, the green ones. Go; don't stand there like an idiot!"

He spits this out surprisingly quick, and I don't think before I turn on my heel and sprint to Peeta's. I wonder for a split second why Haymitch knows the kinds of pills Peeta needs and why this important fact was kept from me. I suppose Dr. A thought I wasn't stable enough; I have my own pills to remember to take.

I burst through the door of Peeta's house and am met with all the scents of a bakery. The cinnamon and dill make me think of him and I ache. His house is set up almost identical to mine, so I find the cabinet with his medicine right away. I open it and my heart sinks. He has so many pills. There must be five different bottles, all different sizes with long and complicated names and directions. I reach for the closest one and throw it on the floor when I read that it's for anxiety. A large clear bottle towards the back has the green pills Haymitch was talking about.

I'm in my house in no time and I see that Haymitch has moved Peeta to the living room. He is sitting now, his face in his hands but still shaking. I hand Haymitch the bottle, he says something to Peeta that I don't hear and he swallows the pill as soon as it is handed to him. He continues to stare down at the floor, his shaking starting to get less frequent and after what seems like forever it stops.

I look at Haymitch and whisper, "Do you think I can go to him?"

He nods and whispers back to me, "OK. Just talk quietly and don't say much, alright kid?"

I nod at him and cautiously step towards Peeta. I kneel down on the floor next to him and rest my hand gently on his knee. I feel him jerk away from my touch, but then he settles back into it.

"Peeta," I whisper, "this isn't real, OK?"

I pause and wait for something to happen, but at the sound of my voice I notice his breathing gets easier.

"Your name is Peeta Mellark. You're a painter and a baker, your favorite color is orange like the sunset, you never take sugar in your tea, you like to sleep with the windows open, you always double knot your shoelaces."

I take another breath and whisper one more time, "Not real."

I wait for something to happen, but even though the shaking stopped and his breathing is almost to normal I can tell he isn't out of this yet. I don't know what else to do, so I ignore Haymitch and start to sing.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow  
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow  
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes  
And when again they open, the sun will rise._

_Here it's safe, and here it's warm  
Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you._

I pause after I sing the last part and wait for him to respond. I use my chance and wipe away the tears on my face with the sleeve of my shirt, which I now realize is damp with sweat and tears and has a few drops of blood. He doesn't look up, but whispers,

"Katniss? I had an episode, didn't I?"

He looks up now and I nod, not sure of what to say. I'm more relieved than I've ever been when I see that his eyes are back to their usual blue. Before I know what I'm doing I burst into tears again, basically lunge forward and sob into his shirt. After a quick second I feel him wrap his arms around me. I grab onto the folds in his sleep shirt, so unbelievably glad to have him back.

"You're bleeding, Katniss."

I untangle myself from him and sit back. I reach up to feel my head, and when I look at my hand I see blood. It must be from when he pushed me and my head hit the floor. I look at Peeta, and I know by the look in his eyes that he remembers. He remembers all of it. The look alone makes me want to cry again. He looks like he hates himself. I feel him start to sit up and move away from me, but I can't let him run away from me after all of that.

"Peeta, don't leave. You didn't mean it; I know that wasn't really you."

He stood up and started to walk towards the door, but Haymitch blocked his way. He said, "Talk to her, boy," before leaving and shutting the door behind him. I stood up and followed, staring at Peeta and willing him to forgive himself.

"It doesn't even hurt, Peeta."

He ignores my gaze and I see his jaw tighten and his adams apple bob up and down. I lean towards him and hold him against me, even though he doesn't move. His voice breaks when he finally speaks.

"Katniss, I don't know what to say. I'm so, so sorry. I'm really sorry...I never meant to hurt you."

Without warning he wraps his arms around me, tight, and buries his face in the crook of my neck. "I would rather die than hurt you. Please tell me you know that."

"I know Peeta. I know, please don't beat yourself up about it. Please."

I'm crying again, and I feel moisture on my neck so I know Peeta is crying too.

"If you want me to go I will."

"Don't, alright? Don't go. Promise me you won't leave."

He doesn't say anything.

"Peeta, please."

"OK. I promise."

"You forgive me, real or not real?"

Without even a second to spare I answer, "Real."

* * *

Peeta goes back to his house after that. I can smell the bread from my room as I'm cleaning everything, so I know he's trying to calm himself. The sun starts to set, and the orange that Peeta loves is spread across the sky. The stars start to come out and I realize he probably thinks that I don't want him over tonight. So I walk to his house, knock on the door, and don't say a word when he answers. He lets me in anyway, and I take a cheese bun off the table in an attempt to show him I really have forgiven him. As I'm eating the cheese bun he silently walks to his couch and sits, and I follow. Still silent, I curl up against him and am so relieved when he responds by wrapping his arms around me. He starts to play with my hair again, and we both fall asleep like that.

It takes Peeta a little while to understand that I don't hate him, and we fall back into our routine. I hate that this happened, but now we both know we're not going anywhere. And in a lot of ways, that's more than we used to have.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hello again! I hope you enjoy this one. _

* * *

__Chapter Seven. 

Peeta has been better lately. It took him a while to fall back into his usual routine of baking, walking around 12 to see the construction, and spending the afternoon in my house before I fall asleep in his arms and under the covers. Once in a while, after we finish dinner and are washing the dishes, I look over at him and catch his eyes wondering over my face and resting on the small scar left from his episode. It really is very small, and almost completely hidden beneath my hair line. He hasn't had an episode since then, but when I try to talk to him about it he closes up and refuses to speak. I hate that he won't talk about it. Peeta was always good with words; always saying what needs to be said. The truth is that I feel horrible about the situation.

I don't blame Peeta, at all. I'm not mad, or afraid, or bitter. I'm worried. I am so, so worried about Peeta, my boy with the bread. All I can think about is all of the pills in his kitchen cupboard. I didn't know he needed that many. I'm starting to worry about what else I don't know about Peeta. How sick is he? Is he hurting himself by being here with me?

And then there are the questions I have about another aspect of Peeta: us. On some level I know that he still loves me. I can feel it when he holds me and see it when he looks at me. When I get overwhelmed about all of these feelings I do the same thing I always do; I go over the small details about the things that I know for sure. I know I need Peeta. I know I've been having fewer nightmares since he's started sharing my bed. I know he's slowly moving his things over from his place to mine.

It's not like I'm trying to figure out if it's Gale or Peeta. Of course it's Peeta; it always has been. But, I feel like I'm going to hurt him. We're both so broken, still trying to pick up the pieces of ourselves and figure out how to live in this world. It's not fair to him that he has to help me pick up my pieces when he has his own. I want him to be happy, and I don't see that happening if he stays in District 12. I know he loves the bakery, and me, for that matter. He could build another bakery in a place that isn't made of ashes. He could finally move on from me and realize what a mess of a person I am.

I care about Peeta. He is good, and kind, and despite everything he has gone through he has the best heart. He's gentle and caring, but stern when he needs to be. I look at him and I see the boy with the bread, the dandelion in the spring, the only good left in Panem. He smiles and I remember the good things. I don't need fire. Gale is fire. I do think about Gale and, yes, I am happy when I remember the woods and the jokes he used to tell me. But I knew when I kissed him that time during the Mockingjay filming, that I really did only kiss Gale when he was sad. I wanted to make him feel better; I wanted to be there for my best friend. If the war hadn't happened, I never would have kissed Gale.

If I was with Gale, I was against Snow and the games. When I was with him I wasn't the made up version of myself that I needed to be in front of the cameras. I resisted Peeta, and ran to my childhood friend who represented life before the reaping.

But, Gale was fire. He designed weapons and made bombs. He didn't think twice about killing all those people working in the nut in District 2. He was so full of range and anger, he only cared about revenge. I have no room for anymore of that.

* * *

Today is the first chilly day of fall. The breeze is crisp, and I've finally allowed Buttercup back into the house. Haymitch has acquired geese somehow. I don't really ask questions when it comes to Haymitch anymore. Peeta managed to put up a small little house for them, with a modest wire fence so that they don't end up chasing anyone who walks by. It's quite funny, actually, to see a flock of geese following around a drunk and unstable Haymitch. They seem to escape sometimes, always following Haymitch like he's their mother.

Peeta is almost done with his work on the bakery. Several of his apprentices are fully trained, so they handle most of the operations when it's too much for Peeta to be in town. He's better than I am, but sometimes when he's there too long he feels a flashback coming on. Despite the progress in 12, it's still the place where his family died.

After a late breakfast of oatmeal and juice, Peeta left to finish up the bakery work for the week. I'm washing the dishes, trying to kick an annoying Buttercup away from my ankles.

A sudden wave of emotion hits me. Usually I'm with Peeta when it happens. He holds me and doesn't ask questions. I'm not even sure I can pinpoint what exactly I'm so upset about. I go through images of Prim, Cinna, and the rest so quickly that none of them stick. I walk over to the couch and slump down, hugging a blanket to my chest and trying to banish the feeling of helplessness that has settled into the pit of my stomach. I drift into a shallow sleep, my nightmares mixing with the present and when I wake up I'm confused and more distressed than ever.

I feel the ugly sobs creeping up on me, but I push them away. For one fleeting second I think of going into town and finding Peeta at the bakery just so I can try to make myself feel better. I don't want to worry him, and I especially don't want to go into town. At the sound of yelling and the cries of Haymitch's geese I look out my window. Once again, he's stumbling into his house while his little pets squawk at his ankles. It looks like he just paid a visit to the Hob for some more liquor.

Liquor. Oh, no.

Well, what Peeta doesn't know can't hurt him, right?

What the hell.

I exit my house and walk swiftly to Haymitch, who is having tremendous difficulty opening his door. He sees me and makes a comment that I can only assume is rude; I couldn't hear it he was slurring so much. I reach out and open the door, then follow him in. He imediently drops down onto his filthy couch and takes a swig from the bottle.

"I'm here for some booze, Haymitch. Don't protest too much or you'll hurt yourself."

There was more mumbling, I grabbed a bottle from the kitchen and made my way to the door. I stopped when I heard Haymitch's voice, clear and slurred at the same time. I don't know how he does that.

"You really shouldn't be doing that."

I roll my eyes and whip around, shooting him a look.

"You really aren't the right person to be telling me not to drink, Haymitch."

"What about the boy? Won't he be disappointed in his precious Mockingjay?"

He sneered, but didn't drink from his bottle. I turn to face him fully, actually wondering why he was talking to me. Usually he makes a rude comment then lets me leave without another word.

"Peeta's in town." Haymitch nods, still looking at me with more meaning in his eyes than I'm used to seeing.

"I don't think you should do this, Katniss."

I don't say anything.

"Are you really sure this is how you want to deal with it all everything?"

I have to say something now. I'm sure the scowl shows on my face when I ask, "How the hell do you think you can tell me that? Shouldn't you, of all people, understand? Just let me get drunk Haymitch."

I turn and I hear him stand up, unsteady on his feet. This is very, very strange.

"That's why I'm saying this."

More silence.

"Don't turn into me, Katniss. You still have Peeta, you still have a chance."

Stunned, all I can do is stare at him. All at once I see the focused picture. Haymitch is standing (barley) in front of me, wearing the same clothes he's had on for two weeks. It's pretty apparent he hasn't taken a shower in that span of time either. His course facial hair is growing in, there are dark circles under his eyes, his nails are incredibly dirty, and he smells awful. We can all make jokes about Haymitch and his drinking, but it's real. He's lost in it. And for the first time I fully understand.

"I started like this, kid. But we're different. I didn't have anyone left to stop me. You got a good thing, with the boy. Even if you don't confess your undying love for each other."

I roll my eyes. Even in a serious conversation, Haymitch always seems to sneak in a snide comment. After a brief moment he stepped towards me, and I let him take the bottle out of my hands. He's close, and I see in his cloudy eyes that he means what he's saying. I almost start crying at the thought of this hardened, sarcastic man actually giving me the tiniest insight into his life. He doesn't say anything else, but slowly backs away and turns to walk into his kitchen. I turn my back to leave so he doesn't see my red eyes, and I hear him say,

"This conversation never happened, Mockingjay."

So I walk out without a word.


	8. Chapter 8

_For the people who want some more romance/progression... will you like this chapter, or not? Read to find out! :D Thank you all for the reviews and the wonderful compliments. You make this whole process worth it. _

* * *

Chapter Eight.

The next morning I wake up late. I can tell by the way the sun streams into my room, covering me in the bundle of sheets and blankets I've somehow tangled myself in. I roll over, yawning and expect to find Peeta fast asleep next to me. He isn't there, however, and even though I know I'm jumping to conclusions I feel a jolt of panic run through me.

Then I realize I don't remember going to bed last night. I must have fallen asleep on the couch after Haymitch insisted I give back his liquor. True to my word, I plan on not telling Peeta or anyone else about our conversation. I'm not too worried about my lack of recollection. It happens sometimes, when I'm either extremely tired or in a particularly bad mood. I roll over again, burying my face in the covers and trying to block the sunlight. I take a deep breath, noticing for the first time the smell of baking bread wafting upstairs. I know where Peeta has gone to.

I manage to pull myself out of bed, almost tripping myself as I pull my foot from the thin sheet. I stumble into the bathroom, making a point to ignore the mirror, and re-braid my hair. I straighten my baggy shift dress, slip on some thick woolen socks and walk downstairs.

At the sound of my footsteps on the stairs Peeta turns around, a bowl in this hand and a smile on his face.

"Morning Katniss."

I make my way over to the wooden table, and Peeta hands me the bowl which I then find out contains oatmeal. I pour myself some orange juice and sit down on the bench.

"You didn't wake me up."

"You were already asleep when I got home. I figured you had a long day, I didn't want you to be in a grumpy mood when I woke you up."

He sits down next to me with his own breakfast, a smile still on his face.

"I am not grumpy in the morning!"

Peeta chokes on his orange juice, and then shoots me a playful look as he's trying to get air back in his lungs. I roll my eyes and mutter, "Fine." Once his breathing is back to normal he gives me a good natured shove. I smile back at him to let him know I'm not actually angry. I hold his gaze for a while, and it feels so natural to be sitting here and eating breakfast and joking with Peeta. I break eye contact when I notice that look in his blue eyes. It's the look he gets when he's about to do something stupid, like confessing his "undying love for me", to use Haymitch's words. I turn my eyes across the room instead and begin to scarf down my food. They find the closet, and a thought crosses my mind.

"I think I'm going to head to the woods today."

I hear Peeta standing up and taking the bread out of the oven. I can tell from the smell that it's the same bread he threw to me that day in the rain, the good bread with nuts and raisins.

"Alright, that sounds good. I don't like it when you're alone here all day and I'm in town at the bakery."

As if on cue, the phone rings and Peeta goes to answer. Even if it's my house, the only people who would call are Dr. A and my mother, and they both expect Peeta to be the one to answer. I hear muffled conversation as I finish my food and put the dishes in the sink. I head upstairs to get dressed when I realized he's still on the phone. I throw on the first clean thing I find and head back down stairs. I turn to open the closet door to grab my bow and arrows which have been gathering dust.

Instead, I catch a glimpse of Peeta taking the bread out of the oven with a bit more hostility than he usually does. I postpone my hunting trek and turn instead to the kitchen.

"Who was on the phone?"

He doesn't turn around, but instead stops what he's doing and stares down at the bread.

"It was Dr. A. Apparently Haymitch told him about my episode."

I take another step forward so I'm standing next to him. I can feel the heat from the bread on my skin. He looks at me, catching my eyes again. I can tell he doesn't like what he's planning on saying next.

"He wants me to go to see him for a few days so he can readjust my medication. The next train that goes the whole way to the Capitol is tomorrow, and he reserved a seat for me on the 6:00am departure."

Stunned, I end up just staring at him. What can I say to that? I open my mouth and try to say something, but nothing comes out. He has to go. I don't want him to, and I can tell he doesn't want to go either. The whole thing makes me so angry. Snow and the Capitol took him and hurt him, and even though they were both defeated we still have to deal with this. It's not fair. It's not fair that as soon as Peeta comes back to me, he leaves again.

"How many days?" I ask, my voice surprisingly soft and even.

"Four days. I'm sorry, Katniss. I can tell him no, I can tell him I won't go…"

"No! Peeta, you need to. You need to go. You shouldn't stay here if it's hurting you."

"Katniss, that's not why…"

"You shouldn't have to!"

I'm mad now. I'm mad, and so incredibly sad, because I knew this day would come. All this time I've been afraid that being here would hurt Peeta, that I would just be another thing in the way of him getting better. Now Dr. A has taken notice, and I'm going to be left in District 12 alone. Even if I was emotionally ready to go with Peeta, I wouldn't be allowed to. I still have six months left on my probation for killing Coin. Somehow, he knows what I'm thinking.

"Please don't blame yourself."

"You're worse because of me."

"How could you think that? If anything, Katniss, I'm so much better because of you."

His hands are on my shoulders, and my jaw is tight with anxiety. All of my muscles are stiff and I can feel my eyes filling with tears. I push past Peeta, grab my bow and head out to the woods.

I walk fast and precise, my body still accustomed to the terrain. I walk around mostly, hunting not on my mind. Instead I practice my aim by shooting at certain tree branches, then climbing up to them and retrieving the arrows. When I get hungry I find berries and greens and drink from the small stream that runs through the trees.

I'm sitting on a log, absent mindedly tracing patterns in the dirt and mud. I hear a shift in the nearby foliage and look up. The noise was made by a rather large rabbit who hadn't yet noticed I was so close. It would make a nice stew, and I decide to take a chance and aim. I straighten up; pull an arrow out of my sheath, and focus. I take a deep breath, making sure my aim is accurate.

I'm just about to let go when the image of Marvel hurling a spear and Rue falling to the ground flashes in front of my mind. My bow drops several inches and the arrow flies much too far to the right, scaring the animal and bouncing off a large rock instead. I curse inwardly and stomp the ground with my hunting boots. Now not only am I angry, I'm humiliated. I can't even hunt anymore.

I continue to walk through the familiar areas of my woods, no longer bothering with any animals I see. I make my way to the lake, but it's far too cold to go swimming without getting sick.

When a thin line of dark sky begins to creep up on me I start to head back to my house. Peeta will be back from the bakery by now. I'm dreading the conversation that I know we will have, even though I know we should have it. I walk into the house and put my boots, arrows, and bow in the closet. Peeta is in the kitchen eating dinner by himself.

I walk in slowly, my eyes meeting his before I get my own food. We sit there in silence, eating the bread Peeta baked earlier and some stew that Greasy Sae had left over from the Hob. The dishes are washed in silence, and we walk upstairs the same way.

Peeta is brushing his teeth as I put on a long nightgown, taking a deep breath. I slip underneath the covers before Peeta is done, hoping he will think I fell asleep. But I have no such luck. I hear him walk from the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bed; I try to ease my breathing.

"I know you're awake."

At his words I imediently feel like I did that morning. The tears are in my eyes before I know what's happening, and I try to answer him in a calm voice but all that comes out is a teary mess.

"Damn it."

I sit up and inch toward him, leaning into his arms that he holds out right away. He rubs my back and I hold onto the folds in his sleep shirt, silently letting the tears fall from my eyes.

"You know I don't want to leave, right?"

"I know Peeta. I just hate that you have to."

We don't say much after that. I start to feel tired, and I know Peeta is too. We lay down but he doesn't let go of me. I curl up against his chest and he rests his hand in my hair, and I think that this moment would be wonderful if he wasn't leaving tomorrow. I don't know why, but I speak up.

"I tried to hunt today."

Peeta inches back from me just enough to look at me when he responds.

"What happened, the usual?"

I nod.

"Are you alright?"

"I don't know. I hate that I can't do it."

I let the events of the day catch up with me, and I feel more tears welling up. I don't know why, but the words fall from my mouth as I try to wipe my face dry.

"I can't even hunt anymore, Peeta! I hate this, I hate it so much! All I do is sit in this damn house and cry about everything. I used to be able to fight, and hunt, and keep going no matter what. I'm just so pathetic! I'm this stupid, winey girl who doesn't know what to do with herself. And now you're leaving, and I hate myself for being so upset over it. I hate that I'm so ridiculously upset about having you gone for a few days."

"What? Katniss, you are NONE of those things."

I tilt my head up to look at him, and I can see the look in his eyes that I can't name, but I know it means he's concerned. He pulls me closer to him and plants a kiss on my forehead. His hand finds its way to my waist, and the other is once again in my hair. It's like he's trying to pull me closer, but no matter what it's not close enough. He whispers,

"You are amazing. I know you don't believe me, but you still have no idea the effect you can have. With what you've been through and how hard you've fought, you deserve some time to cry your eyes out. It doesn't mean you're weak, Katniss. It means you're human. You'll hunt again, and things will fall into place."

He stops long enough to lean his forehead against mine.

"I promise, OK? We take care of each other, real or not real?"

A small smile spreads across my face in the way that only Peeta can make me smile and I whisper back, "Real."

* * *

We wake up in the same position when Peeta's alarm goes off. We stay there for as long as we can, but he has to eventually pull himself from me and get dressed. He throws a few things in a small duffle bag as I stay in bed, moved over to Peeta's side so I can feel the warmth he left behind. When he's done packing, he turns and looks at me.

"Tea?"

I follow him to the kitchen where we make some tea. I put sugar in mine, but not in his. We sit on the couch and I rest my head on his shoulder. The whistle of the approaching train sounds through the District, signaling twenty minutes until the final boarding call. The Victor's Village wasn't too far from the train station, but our time was still running out.

Peeta grips my hand and squeezes, then stands up and grabs the duffle. I stay sitting, watching him make his way to the front door. He turns around and looks at me, then says, "I'm coming back, Katniss."

I nod, then stand up and walk over to him. My grey eyes lock onto his blue ones, and in the dim light of the morning I can see every angle of his face. I count the small sprinkle of pale freckles on his nose and brush the blonde hair from his eyes. I shouldn't be this upset. To anyone else, I would be overreacting. Peeta is all I've had for a very, very long time. I don't want to be in this big house all by myself with Peeta in the Capitol.

He seems to be looking at me with the same feeling. I'm very conscious of his eyes wondering over every inch of me and his hands on either side of my face. He uses his thumbs to gently caress my cheeks and it sends a shiver down my spine.

"I'm going to miss you."

"Me too."

"Take care of yourself, Katniss."

He kisses my cheek, but his face lingers close to mine. I take a step towards him, not completely aware of what I'm doing. His lips brush against my cheek again, and then he leans closer to me and plants two more soft kisses on my jaw line. Before I can form another thought he kisses the corner of my mouth, almost afraid of what he is about to do, and then kisses me so lightly and quickly that I can barley feel it.

My arms are loosely around his neck and he's looking in my eyes, silently asking if he went too far. I suppose he gets his answer when my eyes inadvertently drop down to his lips. He kisses me again, bringing one hand to the back of my neck and gently gripping my hair. He is so sweet and soft and wonderful. Kissing Peeta feels like home.

It is gentle, and not forced. He kisses me like we have all the time in the world, but holds me against him like it's the last thing he'll ever do. He's warm and wet and tastes like tea. I keep one arm around him and slip the other one between us so I'm gently holding onto the front of his shirt. One of his hands slides down to my waist and pulls me closer as he continues to kiss me.

A few moments pass and I untangle my lips from his.

"We pick the worst time to do that." I whisper, a few more tears sliding down my cheeks. He smiles sweetly and brushes them away. I lean in and kiss him again, my brow furrowed with emotion. The second train whistle sounds, signaling ten minutes, and we both reluctantly pull away. His jaw tightens, and I know this is hard for him. He leans close to me and says,

"I'll call you when I get there. I'm coming back, I promise. I'll always come back for you."

He kisses me again, then steps out of the house.

* * *

_lalalalalala :D so, any comments? I would LOVE to know what you think about this one. Also, as a reminder, you can always follow me on my tumblr: _

**www (dot) sipping-coffee-at-hogwarts (dot) tumblr (dot) com**


	9. Chapter 9

_Oy. I don't know how I feel about this one, you guys :( I might rewrite it; I'll let you all know if I do. I might, I might not. eh. I hope you like it anyways! _

* * *

__Chapter Nine.

After Peeta left I didn't know what to do. I attempted to walk back upstairs and crawl into bed so I could sleep away the rest of the day. I curled myself up on Peeta's side of the bed once again, feeling the heat that he left behind. I hugged his pillow to my chest and closed my eyes, still feeling his lips on mine. If I concentrated hard enough it was like he never left; he was still here, holding and kissing me. I hate myself for waiting so long and for pushing him away.

It had been a little over a year since we were all back in 12, and finally when I let my guard slip, Peeta's off to the Capitol. I don't know what this feeling is. I care about Peeta. I want him to be happy. I miss him more now than when he was hijacked, if that's possible. I want him- no, need him- to be better, even if it means my own death or destruction.

I want to kiss him forever and not have to think about anything else ever again. The only person I have ever loved was Prim, but I obviously wouldn't love Peeta in the same way, so I can't be sure just yet. All I know is that at this moment I need to have him back. I figure that by dinner his train will have arrived at the Capitol, and then he would call me. I now face the prospect of pre-occupying myself until then.

For a second I consider heading to the woods again, but I make it as far as the hallway when I see the t-shirt Peeta had worn to bed lying on the floor. I slide out of my nightgown and throw on a pair of my own sleep pants and Peeta's shirt. It's much too big for me, but I hold it close to my body and end up crying into my pillow until I finally fall into a shallow sleep.

* * *

I lurch awake when Buttercup jumps on the bed and begins to meow loudly in my ear. I throw my pillow at him as hard as I can; knowing that he probably just wants food. I'm so angry that I don't care. I look at the clock and realize that Peeta should be calling in about an hour. I slept more than I meant to.

I breathe deeply several times to calm my nerves. I slowly stand and decide that I should try to eat something. I make it to the kitchen, but I end up crying at the table because my house smells like bread. When my tears are all dried up I wait for the phone to ring. Every tick of the clock on the wall shakes my bones and I'm reminded of the Quarter Quell arena. I rip the thing from the wall and throw it into the closet of the downstairs guest room that I haven't set foot inside in years.

I'm just turning to walk out of the room when I hear the phone ring, so I practically run to pick it up.

"Peeta?"

"Katniss! Hey, I'm in the Capitol now. Dr. A got me a room in this little hotel for the time being."

I don't say anything, just happy with him talking. I finally know that he made it there alright.

"Katniss, are you there?"

"Ya, I'm here. Are you alright?"

"I could ask you the same question."

I pause again, leaning against the wall and pressing the phone into the side of my face.

"I really miss you Peeta."

I hear him sigh into the receiver and say quietly, "Me too. But I'm fine, Katniss. Don't worry about me. Dr. A just wants to readjust my medication. I promised I'd come back, remember?"

"Ya, I know."

Again, we both take a moment to remain silent and just listen to each other breathe. I wish more than anything that I could jump on a train and be with him in a matter of hours. After a moment Peeta speaks up, "So, you kissed me before I left. Real or not real?"

I smile into the phone, hoping he knows that I am. "I actually remember you kissing me." He laughs and I laugh back. It should make me feel better, but I'm just reminded that we're laughing at the same time but miles and miles away from each other.

"I like kissing you."

"Me too. Especially when there aren't any cameras around."

I smile after I say this, and then hear Peeta saying something to someone on his end.

"Katniss? Some other people have to use the phone. I'll call you again tomorrow."

My heart sinks in my chest. "OK." I wait for him to say something back, but the phone cuts off. All I hear him say is "I lo…"

* * *

The next two days go by like the first. I did manage to wonder into the woods a few times. My aim is getting better and I have less and less flashbacks when I aim at an animal. I've also gone over to Haymitch's house a few times, emptying his liquor when he's had too much and filling it up when he gets too sober.

He doesn't say anything about Peeta leaving, which I'm grateful for. I feed his geese when he forgets. Which is really, really often.

Peeta has only been able to call once more. The hotel only has one phone and high demand to use it. I think he even played the "star-crossed lovers" card, but that only got him a few minutes. I miss him more than anything, but I'm glad I am able to function.

Peeta should be back tomorrow night, and until then I promise myself that I will try to shoot some sort of animal. It's too dark at the moment, so I put on some cotton shorts and Peeta's t-shirt before I go to bed. I throw Buttercup the scraps from my dinner to make him stop his awful meowing and head upstairs. When I'm halfway up I hear the door open and panic imediently sets in.

I quietly tip toe up the rest of the stair case and crab the knife I keep in my dresser. I hear the door close, then heavy footsteps walking across the living room and the kitchen. I would know those footsteps anywhere.

I drop the knife and practically run down the stairs, no time to be confused that Peeta is home early, and see him set down his bag on the couch. He turns toward me and smiles, and I jump into his arms.

"Damn you Peeta! You didn't tell me!" I say, my voice muffled by his chest. He's holding me so tight that I can barley breath, and a few inches off the floor. He sets me down and I pull back to look at him, but don't have much time because he crashes his lips to mine. I happily return the favor, and I can feel Peeta smile into the kiss. I'm overwhelmed (which has been happening a lot lately), and pull away when I feel myself start to cry.

"Don't ever leave me again, Peeta!" I say, almost angry. I'm so glad he knows me enough to know I don't have any hard feelings that will last.

"I don't plan on it."

He leans close to me again, and I can feel his breath on my face. I stare up at him, re-counting his freckles to make sure none of them have disappeared while he was gone. He softly kisses me again, his lips lingering on mine. When he pulls away he says, in such a way that I almost believe him, "You're so beautiful Katniss."

I roll my eyes and give him a playful shove, and it's now that he notices I'm wearing his shirt. He smiles again.

"So, is this new?"

I blush, something I'm sure I've never done, and try to respond.

"Ya, well, um…"

Peeta laughs and kisses my forehead. "I think it's cute."

He searches my eyes, and the smile is replaced by a different sort of look. I feel him gently tug on my braid. He leans his forehead against mine and takes a deep breath. He says my name, like a whisper. "Katniss..."

I kiss him again, slowly. I want to memorize how his lips feel on mine. He holds me to him tightly, his hands on my waist. His face feels coarse, telling me that he hasn't shaved since he left. When we pull apart, still close, I whisper,

"Let's go upstairs, Peeta."

He nods, and we go to my bedroom. I put the knife back in the drawer before he can see, then turn around and smile at him. He steps forward, slowly and almost cautiously. His hands find the edge of my (or his, actually) t-shirt and he runs the hem through his fingers. I reach to him and lean against his shoulder. After a moment he says,

"Did you only kiss me because I was leaving?"

I look up at him, at the boy with the bread. I shake my head, then turn and crawl into bed. He follows me after kicking his shoes off. I turn to him, curl into his chest like always, and fall asleep quicker than I ever have. Before I do, Peeta settles his hand into the curve of my waist and pulls me close to him. He asks me,

"Real or not real?"

I know, without asking, that he means us. Right now, is this real? I kiss his cheek and whisper,

"Real. This will always be real."

* * *

_I'm going to take this time to thank all of the people that have reviewed and favorited this story, especially a select few. _

_**Giorgia: **  
_

_**Ciao Caro! I'm also Italian! Only by blood, I live in the states :( Thank you so much for the wonderful review! It really means a lot to me that you like the story so much. Writing in the first person as well as trying to capture the essence of the characters was pretty scary for me, so reviews like this make me feel awesome. Feel free to talk to me anytime, we could trade language skills! :D **_

_**VannaMa'Kayla: **_

_**Oh, don't cry! Well, I guess if you cry then that means I'm doing my job :p I promise I'll try to update as fast as I can. I absolutely love Peeta and his relationship with Katniss, I feel like it's meant to be, you know? I know that Gale is important to the story, but him and Katniss just don't belong together. Actually, if all goes as planned, Gale will be making an appearance in the near future ;D**_

_**Pernille: **_

_**Oh my God. Really? But I've read so many good ones! Thank you so, so much for saying that. I just really love you. **_

_**Anon: **_

_**You got the kisses! Haha, more will follow. Trust me. No smut, however. I just can't write that stuff :p Some other things will happen in regards to their relationship, insert drama and romance and wonderful things! **_

_**CafeAime: **_

_**Thanks! Really, this means a lot. People like you keep me writing! 3**_

_****And to everyone else who I didn't get to, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Really, each and every one of you means so much to me. Peace and love! **_


	10. Chapter 10

_Hi guys... a bit of angst coming up. Have fun reading, and thank you so much for clicking on my modest little HG Fanfiction!_

* * *

Chapter Ten.

I woke up the next morning, still in Peeta's arms. I had forgotten for a moment that he was home early, but once I realized he was actually with me I settled down into his chest and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to have to go into town today. I need to check on the bakery, make sure the guys didn't burn it down or give free cupcakes to all the girls in town. You laugh, but both of those things have almost happened."

We both laugh as Peeta manages to pry his body from mine and stands up. It's so wonderful to have Peeta back and for him to be making jokes. He looks around the room, and I realize that he's looking for the t-shirt he left on the floor. The one I'm wearing. I can't help but chuckle, and I think Peeta realizes where exactly his shirt is. He smiles and sighs.

"Do you want it back?"

As soon as I say this I realize what that could possibly imply. I imediently bury my face in the pillow and say over and over, "That's not what I meant!" After a moment I peak my eyes over the very edge of the pillow and see Peeta with a ridiculous smile on his face. I think I can also see him blushing a bit. I sit up and hug the pillow to my chest; Peeta makes his way over to me in a way that can only be described as sauntering, and sits down.

He smiles again and leans forward, lightly kissing me along my hair line. It also happens to be the same place as my scar, the one he left me after his most recent episode. I look up at him again, still slightly mortified. I was just about to go over what I would say if he actually did ask for it back when he stood up again and said,

"You can keep it. I did say I think it's cute, remember?"

He stands up and grabs a different shirt from the top drawer of my dresser. He reaches to pull his sleep shirt off, and I don't look away even though I think about it. He turns and catches my eyes in his. There is starting to be a little too much tension in the room for my liking, so I quickly stand up.

"I think I'm gonna go make some hot chocolate."

I can almost feel Peeta smile as I make my way to the kitchen.

* * *

Peeta is wonderful. We fall back into our routine, but with a few more kisses thrown in. He bakes, Haymitch drinks, and I hunt. Two weeks after Peeta came back I managed to kill a rabbit. I ran home like I did when I shot my first game so long ago; I was almost giddy. I had time to skin it and start the stew before Peeta came back from the bakery. He was so happy that I was happy. Between us we ate the whole pot of stew and several cheese buns. It was the best day I've had in a long time.

It's strange, day to day life. My days aren't divided by good and bad; we don't go through fazes. I could wake up and feel normal again, but for no reason in particular end the day in a horrible mood. Occasionally, with Peeta at the bakery, I find myself wondering around, alternating between my house and the woods.

Peeta has been teaching me the basics of bread, and after about fifteen tries I managed to not start anything on fire. More often than naught the lessons end in a flour fight and some more kissing; I think we've both given up on me being a baker. I tell Peeta that it works out this way, since I wouldn't trust him with a bow and arrow.

These are the good days, the times when we can manage to be normal for a few moments. There isn't a night when at least one of us doesn't have a nightmare. They pass quickly now, and Peeta hasn't had a bad episode sense he went to the Capitol. I wake up screaming and sweating in Peeta's arms with images of Prim behind my eyes.

Other times I'll catch Peeta standing, almost frozen, and gripping the back of a chair. When this happens I go over to him, say the usual things, and sometimes I sing. They never last long and he hasn't hurt me. He was afraid of that at first. When he comes out of his episodes he looks at me, holding his breath and silently asking if he had done anything. I know now more than ever that we truly need each other to remain sane. He is the only one that knows what I'm going though without me even saying a word. He doesn't mention his family, but I know he needs time to process everything. Sometimes I catch his eye and I sense something going on with him, something that he isn't ready to tell me yet. But, I know he will eventually tell me.

He holds me when I wake up terrified and whispers comforting words in my ear. When people from the Capitol call about doing another news special he answers and tells them to leave me alone. He wants me to go into town, to see his bakery, but I can't yet manage. He understands, which I am so thankful for. One morning I got a call from my mother, just wondering how I was doing. It was the first call I've gotten in a year. After we hung up I turned to Peeta and clung to him for dear life, feeling awful for reasons that I couldn't pinpoint.

I haven't cried that much lately. It seems most of it has gotten out of my system. I hate crying, especially crying in front of Peeta. I feel weak and vulnerable, even though he keeps telling me it's good to get these things out. I want to be strong for him, and I can't see that happening when I'm a sobbing mess. One night he has a particularly bad nightmare, he doesn't say what it was about. Although, judging by the way he held me afterwards and how he kissed me, soft and almost desperate, I guessed it was about losing me. All of his nightmares are about me. I hate that.

I tell him, one night after he has another nightmare. I hate that I'm the source for all his pain. He looked at me like I was crazy when I said this. He said that I wasn't the pain; it was the absence of me. In his nightmares I was being taken away from him, I was hurt, and he couldn't do anything about it. He told me when he woke up and saw that I was in his arms, that I was safe, it was the best feeling in the world. That's all he ever wanted, he said. But I can't picture it. I can't accept it just yet, what he told me:

that all Peeta Mellark has ever wanted is to hold me in his arms and make sure I'm safe.

On nights like these I hold him equally as tight, one leg hooked around him and his face tucked into the crook of my neck. I want to be bigger for him; I want to be able to hold him like he holds me. I feel so small next to him and sometimes I get afraid that it isn't enough.

When we wake up together like that and he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world, and kisses me the same way, I know that it is.

* * *

Lately, though, it hasn't been enough for me. Peeta isn't the problem. We still talk, laugh, cry, joke, and kiss like usual. I don't know what it is, actually.

One afternoon I was in my basement, trying to catch up on the ridiculous amount of laundry I have. Since I haven't done it in about two years, there was a lot to accomplish. I turned to walk up the stairs, and the way the light reflected off the window pane made me look twice. It's happened before; I see Prim in my house. The light plays tricks on my eyes and once it's in front of me I can't make it go away. I try to push it from my mind, but for the rest of the day I see Prim.

After the laundry I go to sit on my front stoop, watching the fall leaves in the wind. The primrose bushes are still growing nicely in my front yard. The yellow petals blow gently in the breeze, and I pick one up that had fallen with the force of it. I stared at the delicate flower, turning it in my hands and memorizing the curves of the petals and the way the yellow turns into a light orange at the center. I hold the soft petals between my fingers and see some pollen rub off.

The wind picks up, and I lift the small flower in the air to let the wind carry it away. I say goodbye to Prim inside my mind, following the small flower with my eyes until it disappears beyond my range of sight. I know that Peeta is minutes away and supposed to be home in a matter of hours, but I still feel so alone.

I forget the laundry and decide to head to my room. I curl up on my bed, not knowing what to do with myself. I decide on a bath, so I make my way into the bathroom and turn the tap. I let the tub fill with hot water as I just stand there, like moving is the hardest thing in the world. I rip my clothes off and settle into the boiling water. I rest my chin on my knees, hugging them to my chest. I sit there for a long time before I even think of washing up. But instead, my eyes wonder again and stop at a small container on the shelves next to the mirror. I recognize it as a container of razor blades, given to me by my prep team to keep tabs on my "appalling" body hair.

In District 12 harming yourself isn't a new phenomenon. I remember going to school, seeing the red marks and white scars on a few select girls. One of them was in my class every morning. She was small and mousey, with dull brown hair and freckles. I didn't know her name, but it was common knowledge that her parents fought quite a bit. Her father was rumored to take his anger out on her and her mother, which would explain the random bruises on her arms. She had an older brother who was working in the mines. He didn't have time to help her. She probably died in the bombing.

I never understood the point of such a thing. I didn't have time to sit and wallow in my misery, I was only thinking of feeding Prim and my mother. I also had Gale and his family to worry about. It never crossed my mind. Plus, there was also the risk of someone seeing the marks, or infecting them on my long days in the woods. My whole life was spent making sure to keep everyone intact, why would I take it upon myself to spoil that?

But now, sitting in this tub of boiling water in a place I absolutely never pictured myself in, I understood that girl and wished I had asked her name. I stand up slowly, took the box from the shelf and sat back in the water.

I didn't want to make a mess.

I washed my blood away, and then let the tub drain like nothing had happened. That was the strange part. Nothing felt different, except maybe a feeling of slight accomplishment. I didn't feel like sobbing, I didn't feel happy. I pull on my clothes, careful to make sure the marks were covered. I had chosen a place that Peeta wouldn't be likely to see; at least I was lucid enough to think about something like that. I slipped on my loose shirt, covering the dozen or so cuts immediately above my right hip bone.

I hear the door open and go to greet Peeta like nothing happened.

* * *

_Don't be upset! I would also like to take this time to say you should never, ever, hurt yourself. I have personally gone through some things like this, and I promise that it doesn't fix anything. Seek help if you are doing or thinking about doing it. With that being said, I have more reviews to respond to! Also, I promise a VERY VERY amazing and cute chapter related to this coming up. A certain someone (Pernille :p) will be happy about it, that's all I'm saying :) _

_****__**VannaMa'Kayla:**_  


_**At first I wasn't sure about Josh being cast, but after watching the movie and all of his interviews I've decided I'm in love with him, haha. I think that personality wise he is so, so Peeta. Other than that I pictured him being taller, but he is the cutest thing I've ever seen so I'm not too upset XD And I cannot wait for Catching Fire! OH MAN I am going to just sit at home and twitch when the trailer is released. Thank you so much for the review! I love that you love this story :)**_

_**WaffleNinja:**_

_**First of all, you get bonus points for your username. With that being said, thank you so much! I'm glad you like it and I hope you enjoy the rest! :D **_

_**Kathybear: **_

_**I was worried about Katniss crying too much. The way I see it is she has a lot of things to process, and crying is a good way to use up some energy. I did write that she wasn't comfortable with it, I think she would feel like it's a sign of weakness. I agree that Katniss isn't the crying type, but after something so traumatic happened to her it shook her up. It's just a healing process, not who she actually is. Thank you for the review! :D**_

_**Charlotte: **_

_**Oh, I know right? Peeta is the absolute best. He's a great match for Katniss, and so amazing that he can know what she's thinking and say the right things. She doesn't voice her feelings all the time; Peeta balances her very well. Happy reading! 3**_

_**Pernille: **_

_**Hello again! Again, SO MANY THANK YOUS for this. I feel like the pace of their relationship is so important and unique to them. Although I'm sure Peeta would be more than happy to jump into every aspect of a relationship with Katniss, she needs time and he understands that. Her needing time doesn't have anything to do with what she feels for Peeta, it has to do with herself. She has insecurities, understandably, and also is very hesitant in having someone so close to her. I'm sure she also feels bad about things, like what I wrote before about her feeling like Peeta was hurting himself by staying with her. Haha, you and your passion! Don't you worry, dear. Believe me, Everlark passion is the reason for my life. :)**_

_**Giorgia:**_

_**Ciao again! Your reviews make me smile. Your English is great, don't worry! It's much better than my Italian anyway XD Oh man, thank you so so so much! I love that you appreciate the characters and how I write them. I was worried because Suzanne Collins is so good, and it's her book after all, but thank you! It makes me feel better about the whole thing 3 I'm from the mainland, lol. It's a small town named Fano, about an hour from Florence. You've been to the US! Yay! I'm from Connecticut, so about three hours from NYC. I LOVE it there. You've been to more places in America than I have, haha! I've been to all the ones you mentioned except for Baltimore. I was in Italy in March for a study abroad; we went to Rome, Florence, Assisi, Pisa, and then to Barcelona in Spain. It was so beautiful! I never wanted to leave. Keep reading, I really enjoy your comments! :D **_

_****Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Love you guys *hug through computer* :)**_


	11. Chapter 11

_Hello lovelies :)_

* * *

Chapter Eleven._  
_

I wake up to find myself alone in bed and the smell of hot chocolate coming up from the kitchen. Peeta has been waking up early lately, I don't know why. I decide to rub the sleep from my eyes and make my way down the stairs. I find Peeta sitting at the kitchen table, a mug of hot chocolate in his hand and half a dozen sheets of paper on the table. A pencil is in his other hand, and I realize he's sketching. I look at him for a moment before finally walking into the kitchen.

He smiles as I walk in. I grab my own drink and sit next to him, leaning on his shoulder. My eyes wonder over the papers and follow Peeta's movements as he continues to draw. I see that he's working on a drawing of his family. I've never seen his brothers, but I recognize his father and mother. I wait a moment before I speak up.

"This is great, Peeta."

I roll my eyes to meet his, and he smiles as he tugs on my braid before saying "Thank you."

I take another sip of the hot chocolate and watch Peeta draw. His father is just how I remember; Peeta has managed to bring his father back to life with his sketch. I can feel the warmth behind his eyes, and I can feel the iciness behind his mothers just the same. The day that Peeta threw me the bread comes rushing back, and I remember how his mother hit him so hard, and how I saw the bruises the next day.

It tears me apart to think about it.

I move my gaze from Peeta's family to the other drawings, taking them in my hands one at a time. I see more drawings of his family, mostly his brothers and father. As I pick one up I see another, almost hidden. I see color on this one; I see yellow.

I slowly pick it up, and I don't know what else to do than to whisper, "Peeta…"

Peeta has drawn Prim. She's smiling and laughing, surrounded by the small yellow flowers that gave her her name. It's like she's here again, right next to me and talking. Every freckle, every blonde hair is just how I remember.

I know that there are videos of Prim, that there are pictures. I was afraid to look at them; I was terrified that it would bring back horrible images and make me break down. But, this drawing of Prim has done the opposite. It's like a reminder that she laughed, she was happy, when all I've been thinking about is the one day she died.

Prim had thousands of days when she wasn't in pain. Life was hard, and sometimes we didn't have a lot to eat, but she did eat. I made sure of it. She had Buttercup, and her goat, and me. Peeta has brought her back to me.

I see another drawing. I set down the picture of Prim very slowly and pick up the other. I'm surprised to see that it's a drawing of me. I'm sitting on a couch that I recognize as the one on the train to the Quarter Quell. I'm holding a mug of something, and I'm actually smiling. I realize that this did happen, and I'm basically amazed that he's been able to capture a moment that occurred so long ago, and with such accuracy.

I've never liked how I look, but the way Peeta drew me I can feel that he really cares about me. For the first time I see myself as sort of alright when it comes to appearance, and I realize this is how he sees me. Still holding the picture, I look over at him.

He's still sketching, not looking over at me. I think he might be embarrassed. I decide to eliminate those thoughts from his mind. I lean forward and kiss him on the cheek, feeling the heat of him on my lips. I now know for a fact that he was blushing. I tell him, "Thank you." And I know that he knows what it means.

He finishes his sketch of his family, setting the pencil down and drinking the rest of his hot chocolate. I notice he looks over his drawing, his eyes resting on every face before they move on the next.

"Do you miss them?"

He pauses before he answers.

"All the time."

"Your father was a good man. He came to see me before the games."

"Ya? Did he tell you to win?"

"No, Peeta. He gave me cookies. He asked me to spare you."

Now we both pause; he turns and looks at me. It breaks my heart when he asks, "Is it wrong to not miss my mother? Because I don't."

I've never seen the look in his eyes that he has now. It's strange. I can tell that he feels guilty. Peeta is so sweet and good; he has guilt over a woman that abused him for years.

"I don't like the way she died, but I'm not sorry that she did. I don't blame you for not understanding."

"No, Peeta, I understand. I remember the day with the bread, and I remember how she hit you."

I see his jaw tighten, and I reach for his hand under the table to give it a squeeze. I was never hit like that by my father or mother. I don't know what it's like to have someone who is supposed to care about you do something like that. I think that I now understand a bit more why Peeta is so upset when he thinks about how he hurt me during his episodes.

"She did that a lot. She yelled at my brothers and my Dad, but she only ever hit me. I don't know why. I think she was glad when Effie pulled my name at the reaping."

I leaned in closer to him, resting my head in the crook of his neck and continuing to hold his hand. I can't think of anything to say. Peeta turns his head to me, squeezing my hand back.

"I'm glad Effie pulled my name at the reaping."

I look up at him, and I don't know what to say to him. I'm glad I don't have to, because he leans forward and kisses me. I try to tell him in the kiss that I would have done it all over again, that he is the best man I know, and that I'm not sorry his mother is dead either. We finally pull apart after a long time, and I say,

"Thank you for drawing Prim."

He only smiles in response.

Then, it hits me.

"Peeta, what if we made a book with these drawings? We could write about everyone. They wouldn't really be gone, you know? Like Prim."

"Like the plant book?"

"Exactly like the plant book."

He smiles and I return the favor. I don't know what exactly did it, but that picture of Prim gave me some happiness. What use is her dieing if we don't remember her, if we don't recognize the good times she had? It's not just Prim. We need to record Cinna, and Rue, and Finnick.

That day, after Peeta goes to the bakery, I pick up the phone and ask Plutarch to send some paper. It arrives soon after, and Peeta and I put his drawings inside. I'm not ready to write about Prim just yet, but it's a good feeling to know that I still have her.

The first day we start the book we put in Peeta's family. He tells me stories about his brothers, and how his Father taught them to bake. He leaves out his mother. When we're done and lying together in my bed, I kiss him on the place where I remember his mother leaving a bruise.


	12. Chapter 12

_Oh, hello again. This chapter is longer than the rest, but for good reason. It's my favorite so far. Tell me what you think!_

* * *

Chapter Twelve._  
_

"Peeta, do you have to be so loud?"

It was early in the morning, and Peeta was already awake and getting dressed. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I really wasn't a morning person. Peeta woke me up with his heavy steps back and forth across the room, preparing for his day.

"Sorry."

I curled further into the blankets, trying to muffle the noise. I feel his weight on the side of the bed, his warmth next to me, and his arm holding onto my waist as he plants a kiss on my shoulder.

"You should come into town today, Katniss."

I groan.

"I'm serious! There are a set of twins from 13, Annie and Abby, who have their eighth birthday today. I promised I'd make them cupcakes. I think a bunch of other kids might show up, too. I could use some help…?"

"We both know I'm helpless at baking, Peeta."

"Oh, I already baked them; I just need to put the frosting on."

"I'm no better at decorating."

I hear him sigh. He starts to trace small circles into my exposed shoulder blade with his thumb. How is it that this simple gesture can make me go crazy?

"You can hand out the cupcakes?"

"Peeta…"

"Please? I want to spend time with you today. Also, whether you like it or not, you need to make it to town eventually."

I look up from the covers and see his blue eyes begging me, and this time I'm the one to sigh. I don't want to go into town. I can tell he wants me to, and he is right in saying I need to go sometime. I've basically spent two years between my house and the woods; maybe I need a change of scenery. I also think that it would be a good thing to get as far away from the box of razor blades in my bathroom as possible.

I give in.

"Fine, I'll go."

It's almost worth it to see the smile on his face and feel his lips on mine after I relent. I reluctantly pull myself off the bed and put on one of Cinna's dresses. It's green, my favorite color, with long sleeves and long enough that I don't have to worry about exposing myself. I can tell he made it just for me, because it is nothing Effie would have approved of. I braid my hair to the side and slip on my hunting boots, which don't clash with my dress as I had anticipated. It actually looks nice.

I turn to Peeta, both of us ready to walk into town, and I see a smirk on his face.

"What?"

"I just haven't seen you in a dress in a long time."

He says this in a way that makes me feel my face turn red, his smirk not yet gone from his face. I roll my eyes and walk down the stairs first, then stop at the front door. The last time I went into town it wasn't very successful. I hear Peeta walk up next to me and take my hand. I look over, and I think that maybe I can do it this time. I know that Peeta wouldn't let anything happen to me.

"Don't be nervous."

I nod, he kisses my forehead, and we both start walking into town. I feel nervous with every step, but it's still better than last time. I see the buildings in the distance, a bit more weathered than they were previously, and I can see that the new medicine factory is just about to be opened.

It looks normal, with people walking to work, doing business, and kids running around. I don't know if that makes me upset or relived, that things have returned at least a little back to normal. I see the small monument at the town center that I remember from last time, and my chest constricts when I realize that Prim's name is on it. Peeta's voice brings me back.

"The bakery is over here, a few shops away from the new city center."

I look to where he is pointing and see what he is talking about. It is modest, but I can tell he's put a lot of work into it. The structure is similar to the old bakery, with large glass windows in the front. It is pine, like the other buildings in town. Instead of the elaborate cakes I remember, I can see bread and various pies in the window. Luxury items like ingredients for frosting where still hard to come by, but I'm not surprised that Peeta pulled some strings for these little girls' birthday.

I say, "It looks great Peeta," and I mean it. He smiles down at me, still holding my hand.

We walk to the front of the bakery, and I'm very weary of the eyes following us. I have to admit that making an appearance after two years, and holding Peeta's hand for that matter, would attract some spectators. But, something is different than I expected.

I thought that I would walk into town, eyes following me and blaming me for the bombings and all the deaths. Or worse, they would avoid me, thinking I'm some insane murderer. Instead, when these eyes find me, I see encouraging smiles and even a few small waves. The people that I recognize from the old 12, and some from 13, give me a respectable nod and then continue on their way.

I breathe a sigh of relive that the Capitol's tendency to converge and destroy hadn't spread to my home. Still a bit nervous, I turn my attention to Peeta's bakery. We step through the door; a small bell signals when we open it. There are two counter tops on either side of the front room, also with glass cases containing bread and other various things. On the counter in front of us there is a cash register and a small open space; a young man no older than Peeta is frosting vanilla cupcakes with pale blue frosting. He looks up.

"Hey Peeta! I'm almost done with this batch. I think the kids are going to stop by before school, which should be in a few minutes. Are you Katniss? Nice to meet you!"

He steps out from behind the counter and shakes my hand; I go along with it and manage a small smile in greetings. It's safe to say this is David, a rather friendly and ambitious man from 13 that Peeta had mentioned. I'm glad when Peeta speaks up.

"Hey, Dave. Katniss, this is Dave, he's in charge of the decorations…"

Two more men come from the back door, covered in flower. Both have dark black hair and freckles and are carrying a few more trays of cupcakes. Dave chimes right up, "Hey guys, Peeta brought Katniss today!"

Good Lord this guy is going to get annoying fast.

One of the dark haired men stepped forward, also shaking my hand. The other followed suit.

"Nice to meet you, Miss Everdeen."

By the way he was looking at me; I would have to guess that this one is Rory. He was the one Peeta said tried to give out cupcakes to all the girls in the District. His eyes swept me over up and down. Yup, definitely Rory. The other introduced himself as Jacob. Thankfully, he was much nicer and mellower than the other two.

"Alright you two, keep 'em coming. I think I see them right now" Said Peeta, but not before giving Rory a glare that made him shrink back behind the counter. All three fell back into their routines, and Peeta walked me over to the counter on the right where the finished cupcakes were being placed. Before walking over and making sure that Dave's frosting work was adequate, he leaned close to me and asked,

"Are you alright so far?"

I nod, and Peeta gives me a smile and squeezes my hand. This isn't so bad. I'm not too worried about Rory, either. I'm fairly confident that Peeta would kill him if he looked at me like that again. I can't help but smile at the thought. It was almost hilarious to see Peeta jealous over a guy that just met me. Dave brings over a fair amount of finished cupcakes to the counter, and I see Peeta is joining him on the frosting station.

I hear the bell above the door ring, and people begin to walk into the shop.

It's wonderful. The whole town seems to make it into the bakery eventually, which I find terrifying at first, but I calm down. I know Peeta is here, and I know that I shouldn't be afraid of these people. It's a happy atmosphere, something I don't remember ever happening in District 12. Workers from the factory come in with smiles on their faces and grab a cupcake on the way to work. I'm sure that all the children in the district come through as well.

I spot two small girls walking in; each holding onto a hand of what can only be their mother. They both have thin, impossibly blonde hair that is pulled back from their faces. They have brown eyes surrounded by small freckles, and they look both shy and excited. Peeta catches my eye and points, so I know it is them.

The girls and their mother walk over to Peeta. I can see the mother talking to him, thanking him, and I can see the look on her face than radiates gratitude. My heart swells for Peeta right then; he has so much to deal with, and he still makes sure these children get cupcakes for their birthday. This was something that was unheard of before the war. Peeta and the girls walk over to me.

I've never been good with children, unless you count Rue and Prim. I didn't really know what to say, so I settle on a smile. Peeta sees me and returns it, brushing his hand along my arm before handing a cupcake to one of the girls.

She smiles up at him, the first smile I see from her, and she continues looking at Peeta with her large brown eyes as she bites into the cupcake. He kneels down so he's at her eye level.

"Good?"

She smiles and nods, then nervously looks up at her mother. Her mother also smiles and whispers something to her daughter. The girl looks sheepishly back at Peeta and says, "Thank you, Mr. Mellark." Peeta smiles back at her.

I take another cupcake and lean over to hand it to the other girl. She looks at me the same way he sister looked at Peeta. Before biting into the cupcake she says, in her small voice, "You're the Mockingjay."

I see Peeta's anxious face out of the corner of my eye, as well as the mother's apologetic look. I lean forward again and smile at the girl.

"Yes. But you can call me Katniss, alright? That's what my real name is."

She smiles.

"I like that name better."

"Me too."

* * *

By the time everyone in the District had circulated through the bakery it was a complete mess. The crowds had lasted all day, and with the sun just about to set Peeta told his workers to clean up and head home. He opted out of helping to walk me home. After closing the front door he turns to me and smiles.

"I'm glad you came with me."

"Me too."

I feel his arms around me and his lips on my neck, like when we were on the train to the Quarter Quell. I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of the bakery, content to stay here for the rest of my life.

"That was really nice, what you did for those girls. They're always going to remember that, Peeta."

"It's the least I could do, you know, after everything. I'm just doing for them what no one could do for us."

I understand what he's saying. In District 12, practically everyone went to bed hungry. There were people who cared, people who wanted to help, but they simply couldn't. If they tried, they would be arrested or worse. It was the Capitols way of keeping us in line in addition to the games.

I've never thought about fighting for something when I was actually fighting. I didn't care about the revolution. From the beginning, all I was trying to do was protect the people that I love and keep Prim's belly full. I didn't have these grand visions of a new government, or freedom from Snow. As the rebellion progressed I fought for those things too, but only because I was invested. My mother and sister were helping 13 in the war effort. Gale and Beetee were designing bombs. Peeta was a prisoner.

I'm not a silver lining person. I used to think about Prim being gone, and how no amount of food or freedom could make up for her. I thought of Rue, Cato, Clove, Wiress, Cinna, Finnick, Portia, everyone. It didn't seem fair for so many to die, then it be called a victory when the other side finally gave in. As long as there was one person dead, it wasn't winning.

I think of the twins at the bakery, and what Peeta did for them. I think of all the other children that can now celebrate a birthday, and the parents who don't have to worry about their children being chosen to die. Kids in District 1 and 2 are no longer raised for the slaughter. The men of 12 don't die in mines. There will be no more games. If anything good could come out of death, I'm glad that it's these things. Prim wouldn't want me to wallow in sadness. But, she would want two girls get cupcakes for their birthday.

Finnick and Annie's son will never know his father, but he won't know the games either. Somehow I know that if Finnick were given the choice, he still would have died in the Capitol. He would have died for his son. Actually, when I think about it, that's exactly who he died for.

I start to get choked up and bury my face further into Peeta's chest. I think he knows what I'm thinking, as he always does. He kisses me, soft but firm and I taste the blue frosting we used on the cupcakes. I want to kiss him forever, but my muscles are aching with the events of the day. I haven't done so much in a long time; I think I've taken my ability to lounge around for granted. I make a point to remember to make it to the woods more often. I can tell Peeta feels the same when he manages to pull his lips from mine.

"I'm so tired."

"Me too, Peeta. I don't even want dinner."

He chuckles. "Well, you must be pretty tired."

"Oh, shut up."

I shove him in the chest playfully and we both walk up to my bedroom. I turn the light on and notice Peeta has a streak of blue frosting on the side of his face. I reach to wipe it off, licking my finger when I'm done.

And, once again my actions seem to make the situation awkward even though that wasn't my intention. Peeta just smiles; he probably knows I didn't mean anything by it. I'm glad that he goes right into the shower so I can wait out my embarrassment. I change into my cotton shorts and Peeta's t-shirt. Even with him back, I can't seem to sleep in anything else. I lay on the bed, exhausted, but still not able to close my eyes.

Peeta is soon done in the shower and comes out wearing his usual sleep clothes. He lies on top of the covers next to me, his arm across my abdomen and his lips against my neck again. We don't say anything, because we don't need to.

* * *

He's choking me, his eyes full of hatred and violence. I struggle to scream out, to tell him that this isn't real, but nothing happens. No one is here to help me. Peeta leans closer. His eyes are no longer blue, they're grey, and he is breathing heavily.

It's so real, so incredibly real that I actually feel his hands on my neck and the life leaving me. I manage to get out a scream, and I beg him,

"Peeta, please! This isn't real, stop!"

He smiles, and I'm terrified. It's an evil smile, the kind Snow used to throw at me. He leans close to me, his hot breath on my neck, but it isn't intimate. For a moment I think he's going to sink his nails into me as well.

Then, all of a sudden, I'm free from his grasp and running from him. I don't know where I am, but I find a room and slam the door shut behind me. The hinges are suddenly weak, and Peeta bursts through the door and grabs me again. He leans next to my ear, and I'm struggling to escape with everything I have. I'm screaming and crying, but it only eggs him on. He's enjoying it.

"Peeta, please!"

He laughs, and it's cold. He spits when he finally talks.

"So, what do you want your last words to be, Mockingjay? Do you want to die like this, begging me to spare you?"

He leaned even closer to me and whispered, "I never loved you," before I slip into darkness.

I'm sitting up in my bed, my throat sore from screaming. I'm drenched in sweat and I'm shaking uncontrollably. It was so, so real. I'm still shaken right down to my bones; my body is still in the nightmare. I feel Peeta next to me; he's saying something that I can't hear. I try to get away from him at first, desperate to run away. I hear him say "not real" over and over, and eventually I lean into him and try to calm my breathing.

He's stroking my hair and rubbing my back, still telling me that it was just a nightmare. After what seemed like forever I feel like I'm finally out of my nightmare, the fear gone. Now I'm just left with disappointment. It was my first nightmare in a few weeks, and to have it be about Peeta was even worse. I hear him ask me, "Was it Prim again?"

My heart sinks, and all I can do is shake my head no and run into the bathroom for a drink of water. My legs feel shaky, and I don't bother looking into the mirror. My skin is clammy, and I feel my hand shaking as I take a sip from my glass. Peeta is next to me, his arm around my waist when he realizes I can barely stand. He whispers, "Katniss…" and I turn into his chest.

"Was it about me?"

I choke out a sob that answers his question. The words fall from my mouth, and I'm pretty sure I'm still a bit delirious.

"It was so real, Peeta. It was so real…" I say, over and over. He doesn't say anything else; he just continues to hold me.

I don't know how much time passes, but when I feel my crying subside I slowly pull myself from his chest and look at him, taking a very deep breath. He kisses my nose, whispering my name again. This is Peeta, the real Peeta, and he isn't going to hurt me. I take a step away from him, turning to the mirror even though I don't want to. It really did feel so real, I look at my neck and find no bruises.

Peeta sees.

Without a word he takes my hand and leads me back to the bed, where he brushes the damp hair from my face.

"Katniss, I would never, ever hurt you."

"I know, Peeta."

I can still see the pain in his blue eyes, still foggy from sleep. I know what he's thinking. He wouldn't hurt me, but he has. I was having a nightmare about something that actually happened. Even though he wasn't himself, and I tell him that over and over, he still feels incredible guilt. I feel helpless, because I don't know how to take it from him. I'm crying again. He leans forward, his hands on either side of my face. He uses his thumbs to caress my cheeks like he did before he left for the Capitol. I reach forward, resting my hand on his forearm, close my eyes, and lean into his touch.

"I love you, Katniss."

My heart swells, and I open my eyes to look at him. Damn his face. I can see it; I can actually _see_ the words on his face. The bathroom light is still on, sending small rays of light into the dark bedroom. It's just enough for me to make out his features. I whisper back the only thing I can think of,

"I know."

"I would never, ever hurt you, understand?" I nod in response.

"Because I love you. I love you, so incredibly much."

He leans closer, kissing my nose, forehead… he kisses all of me. His lips touch my hairline, my jaw, my eye lids, and my lips. He doesn't linger there, though. I'm very aware of his lips on my neck, kissing me where the bruises would have been.

He's trying to take it away.

I feel more tears in my eyes. "Peeta…"

"Shhh, Katniss."

He keeps kissing me, his lips grazing my neck so softly. This isn't about the physical aspect. It's not intended to be a prelude to more intimate things, but it is the most intimate moment I have ever had with Peeta.

I don't know how this boy does it. His lips move against the sensitive skin of my neck, moving agonizingly slowly. I feel shots of warmth through my body, through the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. I think I'm actually shaking.

He moves back to my face, kissing the small amount of tears I let slip. He whispers to me again, "I don't want you to hurt anymore."

He kisses the scar on my hairline, the small scars behind my ear from the first games, my neck again, a small scar on my shoulder…

He's kissing all my scars. I'm assaulted with feelings I have never, ever felt. I never even knew they existed. He takes my hand in his, slowly fanning our fingers and lacing them together. He moves a bit closer, bringing my arm up slightly so he can reach the ugly scar Johanna left. Peeta kisses that, too. He moves down my arm, making sure to kiss every single mark I have. He moves to my other arm, and then kisses me on the cheek.

That was just for me; I don't have a scar on my cheek.

I open my mouth to say something, but he stops me by brushing his lips against mine. I lean into him, eager to kiss him back, but he pulls away quickly and slowly all at the same time. We are further on the bed now, but still sitting up. I meet his eyes, now darker than I remember. He whispers,

"I'm taking it all away."

I feel his fingers at the hem of the t-shirt I'm wearing; he gathers the loose fabric in his hands. For a second I think he's going to lift it off of me, but he still continues to kiss down my neck and onto my now exposed shoulder.

I've never been so glad that I wear his shirt to bed.

His lips move along my shoulder like he's an expert. He settles into the crook of my neck, kissing me more, and I feel an alien noise escape the back of my throat. He moves away from that spot, and I almost curse him. Instead he brings his lips back to my face, resting them for a moment dangerously close to my own. His eyes meet mine again, and I get the feeling that he's asking me something. I do the only think I can think of (it's impressive that I can think at all right now) and kiss him, trying to give him permission for whatever he has planned.

He pulls away from me, still holding the hem of my shirt in his hands. He whispers huskily, "Can I take this off?"

God, I almost cry with the tenderness I feel from him and the shy look in his eyes. I don't know what to say, so I reach to his hands and lift them only a few inches to let him know. I see his adams apple bob up and down, and he kisses me on the cheek again. He guides the loose cotton shirt up, finally slipping it over my head and letting it fall to the floor.

His eyes move over me again, and I'm surprised when I don't feel self conscious at all. I'm wearing a black, cotton bra. Nothing special. He manages to pull his eyes from me, now looking into my own. I stare back at him like an idiot, not knowing what to do. I don't have to think about it any longer, because he leans forward and kisses my neck again.

I find myself touching him in return; his back, his arms. It feels so, so right. It feels like this is what my life has been leading up to. I hear him say my name again, softly, just to say it. I feel his hands all over me. He keeps kissing my neck and shoulders, but his hands wonder. He moves them over my back and my stomach, and I was wrong before when I thought I was shaking. Now I definitely am. He keeps kissing my neck and shoulder, and I make that noise again. He moves over my chest, careful to not get too close to my breasts, and kisses all the scars I have there, too.

I rest back on the mattress, so Peeta is hovering above me, and he keeps going. He supports himself on his elbows, careful not to put his full weight on me. He kisses down my chest, and I whimper when he brushes one side of my breast with his lips. Again, I wonder how he can do this to me. I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am. It's just me and Peeta.

He shifts himself downwards, still kissing me. Now his lips are on my stomach, kissing every burn and mark that I have. I can feel his hands tenderly resting on my hip bones….

"Katniss?"

I almost don't hear him at first, trying to keep myself together. I look up when I realize he has stopped kissing me, and my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach when I realize why.

He's staring at the razor marks above my hip bone. He slowly runs a few of his fingers over them; like he's making sure it's real. I start to explain, although I don't know what to say. I open my mouth, but all I get out is his name when he interrupts me.

"Did you do this to yourself?"

I sit up on my elbows and look him in the face. As soon as I did I regretted it. The look in his eyes was like I just told him I was leaving, or that I was dieing, or that the bombing had started again. I could feel his anguish in my bones. I open my mouth again, but I don't know what to say so I close it. I try again.

"Peeta, it's not…"

"Did you do this to yourself?" He asks me again.

I manage a small "Yes", before my voice breaks. I have never, ever hated myself more than I do right now. His eyes leave mine and go back to the marks; he runs his fingers over them again. He sits up and stares at them. I don't know what to do, so I sit up and inch close to him, but he avoids my gaze. I grab his hands in mine.

"Peeta, I'm sorry… I just, I don't know… Peeta, please say something."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't even look at me. I'm terrified.

"Peeta, please!"

He finally looks up at me; I can see tears in his eyes. His jaw is tight, and I can tell his muscles are tensed. For a moment I think he's slipping into an episode, but his eyes remain the same. I start to cry again.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Peeta…"

I lean into his shoulder, sobbing now. Why did he have to find them? Everything was perfect, and wonderful, and for the first damn time in my life I didn't feel like I was nothing. My chest muscles clench as I continue to cry into him. I grab the front of his shirt, desperate for him to stay close to me.

After a moment I feel his arms around me, stronger than ever. He's holding me so tight it hurts, but I don't care. He runs my hair through his fingers and kisses my forehead. Then I feel him let go; I feel him slip away from me and stand up off the bed. No. No, Peeta. Don't leave me. I'll die if you leave me right now.

I hurry to stand up with him, grabbing onto his shirt and hanging on for dear life. All I can say is,

"Don't!"

I cry even harder, but he doesn't go anywhere. I feel him grip my arms, wipe the hair from my face, and lean closer to me.

"Katniss, Shhh…calm down Katniss. Shhh…"

He says this over and over until my breathing is under control again. I still don't let go of him.

"Don't you dare leave me, Peeta Mellark!"

"I'm not. I'm not leaving you."

Both of our breathing begins to get calm, and I find the courage to look into his face. I'm not good with words; I'm not good with talking. I try to tell him with my eyes that this isn't who I am. I got low, and I don't know why, but I hurt myself and I've never been so devastated in my whole life. I look at Peeta. Good, sweet Peeta. I kiss the scruff on his face and I hold his hand tight. He is the first one to speak up.

"Was it because of me?"

I stare at him, completely shocked. If it's possible, I feel more hurt now than ever.

"No Peeta, of course not! No, never you, Peeta. Peeta…"

"Where you, I mean, is that the only…."

He took a deep breath before continuing.

"How many…"

"Just twice, Peeta. That's it. I'm not..." I struggle to find the words, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."

He looks at me; I can feel his eyes burn holes right through me. "Promise?"

"I promise."

He pulls me into him, holding me tight to his chest and burying his face in my hair. He starts to talk.

"You're just so beautiful, and good, and perfect…Katniss, I know you don't think so, but you are so damn perfect to me."

I look up at him again, wanting more than anything for his lips to be back on me. I kiss him, I press my body against his and he returns the favor. His lips move from mine back down to my neck and shoulder; he finds that place again and he needs to hold me around my waist so I don't fall down.

He feels so impossibly, wonderfully like Peeta. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Still holding me around my waist, he steps towards the bed. Before I lay down, I untangle my lips from his and take a breath.

"It's your turn."

I'm the one to pull off his shirt this time, letting it drop to the ground. He pulls me against him again, and for the first time I feel his chest on mine. I do what he did to me; I kiss every scar and burn that I can find. I want to memorize him, how his muscles curve, and the places that make him feel like he makes me feel.

Peeta is shaking now; I'm incredibly inexperienced, but it's like I've always known where and how to kiss him.

We're on the bed again, and he's kissing me all over. His lips find my shoulder, and he slowly pushes aside the strap of my bra so his lips are on my bare skin.

I know what's happening, and even though Peeta's movements are slow and intoxicating I don't think I'm ready to go all the way tonight. I need him to never stop kissing me, I want to always have his lips on my neck, but I've never done this before. I think Peeta senses I'm thinking this, because he moves his lips away from my neck and back to me, kissing me so incredibly sweetly and softly that I don't care when I feel my lungs constricting. We let go, and are both trying to catch our breath. Peeta smiles at me, and I smile back.

We kiss again, just like the last one. It's a kiss that says he loves me, that says we don't have to go all the way tonight. His hand rests on the curve of my waist and he keeps kissing me, slowly and carefully. I think we fall asleep kissing, because in the morning we are tangled together and holding each other for dear life.

I never have another nightmare about Peeta again.

* * *

_oooooohhhhh... what do you think? :D :D this chapter makes me so damn giddy. I wish fanfiction could be made into movies... _

_**I'll respond to reviews in my next chapter. This one is just too damn long :p_


	13. Chapter 13

_Sorry I've taken so long! I started a new job at a factory (how 19th century of me :p) So I've been very busy. Don't fear, I'm still writing! I usually listen to music when I write, so I_'_ll list some of the songs I've latched onto whilst writing this particular fic. As always, enjoy and review please! _

_Over You - Miranda Lambert _

_The Hunger Games Soundtrack _

_One Thing - Finger Eleven (on repeat for Chapter 12 :p)_

_Shake it Out - Florence + the Machine _

_Better Than I Know Myself - Adam Lambert _

_Turning Tables - Adele _

_**Just a few! _

* * *

Chapter Thirteen.

The next morning I wake up in Peeta's arms. I look at him to find that he is already awake, staring at me. I don't know what to say. Last night was absolutely amazing, but I know what he wants to talk about. I can feel his unspoken words, and I feel the marks on my hip bone burning. I'm afraid he'll feel it too.

I wish more than anything that I could take it back, that I could rewind my life like a clock and throw out the razor blades instead. I still don't know why I did it exactly. I don't think I ever will. I could blame my feelings about Prim and the rest, but it's an excuse. Nothing made me do it but myself, and I don't know what to do with that information.

I'm still looking at Peeta; the sadness behind the gleam in his eyes sends a sharp pain through me. He kisses me softly, and then moves away.

"I missed one."

I don't know what he means until he moves further away from me, meets my eyes, and plants a kiss on my razor blade scars. His eyes trail back up to mine, slowly moving up my body on their way. I suddenly feel cold and exposed, so I slip off the bed as fast as I can and grab my shirt off the floor. I hurriedly pull it over my head, not caring that it's on backwards.

Peeta reaches and gets a grip on the edge of the shirt; I stop. I don't know what else to do but turn around, and Peeta takes a step towards me so I can feel his breath on my face.

"Please talk to me, Katniss. I hate the idea of you keeping all these things inside and not telling me. That's why I'm here."

I look up at him, my voice quieter than I meant for it to be.

"Is that why you're here? To save me?"

He shakes his head.

"I'm here because I need you. I need to put my life back together."

He pauses, and then asks, "Why are you here?"

I know he doesn't mean to ask why I'm in 12. Where else would I have gone? He's asking me why I'm in this room, wearing his shirt, holding onto him… Why the feel of his lips still lingers on my skin. Why am I here with_ him_.

I wish I was good with words. I can't tell Peeta that I love him when I can't even tell myself. Love is a weakness, a fault, and it's used against you. Where has love gotten me? Or, more importantly, where has my love gotten anyone else?

I can't physically say it. My emotions are shot to hell. I've been shaken, chewed up and spit back out by the Capitol. Everything I've ever known has been completely taken away and put back in a different order. I still can't make heads or tails of the first games. Or anything else. My whole life has been secrets and lies. I vowed to myself, after seeing what my mother was like after my father died, that I would never fall in love.

I've never seen it do anything good.

But, wasn't last night good? It was wonderful, actually, when I take away Peeta finding my scars. How can he be so at ease with knowing he loves me? How can he say it, the words rolling off his tongue like it's the most natural thing in the world? I've been silent for too long.

"I mean, do you feel guilty? Are you watching over me? Do you just not want to be alone?"

"Well…yes, but that's not… it's not why…"

I close my eyes, no longer able to make eye contact with him. I've ruined something else.

"Katniss, I still don't know what's real and what isn't. I mean, I know about Snow and the Capitol. I know pretty well the difference between the trackerjaker events and the actual ones. But that's it, just the basic facts. I don't know how much of the first games were real for you. I don't know if any of it was real, actually, up until we came back here. Sometimes I still wonder."

I don't say anything.

"The cave, when you kissed me. Real or not real?"

I whisper back, "One of them was. One was real."

"Just one?"

God, this hurts. "I couldn't think about that, Peeta. I needed to get back to Prim… I couldn't…"

"Holding my hand on the stage with Caesar, kissing me when the cameras came for the Victory Tour and the Quarter Quell… Real or not real? Is any of it real? How much of it was for the cameras?"

I can feel him tense up next to me. He's not angry or even sad. He's desperate for the answers. This is when I realize it was all real for him. Every last kiss, every hug and smile. Every time I thought he was plotting during the first games and beyond, he was just being honest. When he told the whole country he loved me, it wasn't a hoax. I feel the weight of this realization crash down on me, compressing my breathing and I feel like I'm going to suffocate. I try to talk.

"I didn't know that it was so real for you… I wasn't, I mean, I didn't think…"

I stop to take a breath, praying the tears at the back of my eyes stay there.

"I don't know."

I look up at him, and I want to take it all back. I want to go back to bed, to kiss him again, to stay curled up in his arms and not have to answer any questions.

"Why can't we just…just forget? I don't want to think about anything that happened years ago. I don't even want to think about last week. I can't live in the past, Peeta…Maybe we should, um, maybe… start over."

"I don't want to forget, and I don't want to start over."

"We might have to. Because, if you spend the rest of your life going over the moments over and over, wondering what was real and what wasn't, you'll go crazy. We both aren't sure of anything, real or not real."

I pause again, looking up into his blue eyes.

"Can we focus on what we know is real?"

"What is real to you, Katniss?"

I take a breath, preparing myself to reveal more about myself than I've ever planned on. But, I know Peeta needs this. I need it. I can no longer be a child, hiding everything I feel and expecting to come away clean.

"When you kissed me on the beach during the Quarter Quell, when I felt like dieing after you were captured, when all I could think about for months was the fact that you were being hurt and I could do nothing…nothing, about it. It was real when you threw me the bread, and I thought about thanking you every day for years after it happened."

He steps even closer, holding the very tip of my braid between his fingers and looking not at me, but into me. I can feel it.

"It was real when you left me for a few days, and I cried like a damn baby after the train left."

And, at the next thing I'm about to say, I feel one single tear escape my eye.

"And last night was the realest I've ever felt. I know I can't tell you the things you want to hear, I'm not good with words… I'm even worse at emotions…"

I take a deep breath, letting my voice crack and only a few more tears fall. I decide to let it happen.

"I mean, do you think… Peeta, do you really… do you really think I would let you sleep next to me every night without…"

I pause again, briefly.

"Do you think I would let you kiss me like that if… do you think…?"

Damn it. Again, I'm crying. Not sobbing, thankfully. I'm so used to being stone cold. I need to say these things; I need it because Peeta needs it.

"Do you think I would cling to you every night like my life depends on it and have it not mean anything? Do you think I would kiss you like that, miss you when you're in the same room as me… be telling you these things…."

I don't finish, because he's kissing me. I kiss him back, telling him everything I might be able to say out loud one day. I feel his arms around me, holding me so tight that I can't breathe. I don't care, though, and I cling to him the same way. I keep going when I can't breathe. We keep going when I feel him lift me off the floor.

We untangle from each other and try to fill our lungs with air. He's smiling so much it looks like his face is going to be stuck like this forever; he's still placing small kisses on my nose and my cheeks. I kiss him on the cheek in return, relishing the feel of his stubble on my lips.

My stomach growls, ruining the moment, but Peeta only laughs. I manage a smile as well, kissing him one more time. We walk to the kitchen together, and Peeta warms up some hot chocolate. We sit on the couch, me leaning on his shoulder like always. Halfway through our drinks I feel him looking at me, so I turn my head and wait.

"I've been thinking, Katniss."

"About?"

"I'm already over here all the time."

I'm a bit puzzled, but I nod anyway.

"Alright, is that what you were thinking about?"

"That, and the fact that all of my clothes are over here. I bake here now. I haven't set a foot in my house in two weeks; I've just been at your house."

"OK…"

"Well, um…what if it wasn't your house anymore?"

Now I'm really confused. He seems nervous, and he's holding my hand like I'm going to disappear. None of this helps me make sense of what he's saying.

"But it is my house."

He manages a small smile and a chuckle.

"I know, Katniss. I was just wondering, what if…"

He pauses again, and I almost yell at him to get to the point. This so isn't like Peeta. For once, he's the one stumbling over his words.

"What if it's our house?"

* * *

_Now I'll take this time to get back to my favorite people ever! Also, I'm quite interested in knowing if any particular quotes have stood out to you; has anything Katniss or Peeta have said/done that made you go "wow"? Just curious :)_

_**MissRox: **  
_

_**Thank you! I'm sorry I took so long to update :(**_

_**sohypothetically:**_

_**asjdhalkjsdahklsd I read your review over and over. I LOVE that you picked a favorite line... it gives me all the feelings. Awwwww thanks! **_

_**VannaMa'Kayla:**_

_**Psshhhawww! Yes, I NEED fanfiction movies in my life. Like, NOW. **_

_**Werepire-girl29:**_

_**Oh don't cry! (I can't help but be happy that you did, though XD)**_

_**Pernille:**_

_**Oh hey! Ya, I really thought about the cutting situation. It is certainly a delicate issue, and I wasn't sure it was something that Katniss would do. She is a very strong person, but self-harming doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're hurting, you need help, and you don't know what to do. That being said, Katniss definatley is all of those. I knew you would enjoy the kisses! XD I DID TOO. **_

_**Wildharp:**_

_**Oh stop, you're just saying that! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I appreciate everything you said. Honestly, to make you smile on a bad day made this whole thing worth it. If you ever want to talk, my email and tumblr is on my profile page :) Sorry for making you wait so long!**_

_**Charlotte:**_

_**Haha! Here it is :p Thank you dear! **_

_**ChloeRhiannonX: **_

_**:D :D :D *hearts* That is all. **_

_****As usual, thank you EVERYONE who reviewed. You are all loved and appreciated. **_


	14. Chapter 14

_Oh, haiii! You know the drill... read, enjoy, and REVIEW! :D_

* * *

Chapter Fourteen.

Obviously, I didn't say no. Both Peeta and I had a laugh when I suggested we move the rest of his things over that morning, and then realized all of his things were already at my house.

At our house.

Surprisingly, I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm not bombarded with questions and feelings and heavy breathing. Having Peeta with me, knowing that he'll be there every time I go to sleep and every time I wake up, is comforting. It's the most comfortable I've ever felt.

Haymitch doesn't say anything, although Peeta says it's because he thought we moved in together ages ago. He's right, though. Peeta and I have been living together as long as we've been in 12, really. The thought that it was happening too fast didn't cross my mind. As far as Peeta's concerned, he's wanted this since we were five.

As far as I'm concerned, I've been with Peeta since we were sixteen and we shook hands on the stage during the reaping. It isn't scary; it's what is supposed to happen.

Lately Caesar has been calling my house, at least once a day. By the third day I answered, cursed at him a few times, and hung up the phone so forcefully that I almost broke it. I thought the calls would stop after that, but they didn't.

One morning Peeta answered and actually talked to him, which made me absolutely infuriated.

"Why did you answer? Peeta, I am NOT doing another interview. As far as I'm concerned, Caesar Flickerman can take that phone and shove it up his…"

"I know, alright? Katniss, I figured I would at least ask what the guy wants from us. You do realize he was going to keep calling until one of us gave in, right?"

I stand there in front of Peeta in the hallway, my arms crossed over my chest. I can't stay mad at Peeta for this, mainly because I know he's right about it. The other reason is that a few moments before the phone rang we were in the middle of a very enjoyable kissing session.

That's also the source of my anger- I was just about to assure Peeta that taking off my shirt wasn't moving too fast. I pointed out that he's already taken off my shirt once, but he insists it was a different situation. I have to admit, this time was a bit more…heated.

I stay standing, taking a deep breath so my question doesn't come out in a shout.

"What did he want, then?"

"Well, he didn't want an interview, if you can believe that. He is curious about some things, but that wasn't his reason for calling. Plutarch and Paylor need to talk to both of us. Haymitch, too, although I tried to explain that he wouldn't be very useful."

He pauses, looking at me, and sighed.

"I think we should do it, Katniss. He said it was important."

I stare back at him, my arms still crossed. Going to the Capitol and talking to everyone again was the last thing I wanted to do. I would kiss Haymitch before going back there. Peeta took a step forward, lacing our fingers and kissing my forehead.

"Please?"

"You are not going to convince me by using your wiles, Peeta Mellark."

He laughed and asked, "My wiles?"

I smirked in spite of myself.

"I don't know if I should be confused that you used the word "wiles", or offended that they wouldn't persuade you."

I looked at the ground and mumbled, "That's not the point." Peeta kisses my forehead again, then steps around me into the kitchen and starts to make some tea.

"Anyway, he basically said if we didn't go on our own they would take the train themselves, armed with camera crews and Effie."

I sat down at the table, my head in my hands as I shuttered at the mention of cameras. This wasn't fair. I had been through enough. We had been through enough; these people didn't have the right to force us back into the glare of the spotlight and into the surroundings we associate with battle. I hate them all.

How dare they, all entitled in their fancy Capitol offices, force us to go to the place we saw covered in blood and the faces of the dead?

I feel Peeta sit next to me, pushing a mug in front of me that I don't bother to take. I don't look up from my hands, and I feel him rub my back. I hear the phone ring again and sit up right away, eager to give that man a piece of my mind. I storm to the phone and demand,

"What the hell do you want? I told you to stop calling…"

The voice I hear sends chills down my spine, and not the good kind. I feel rooted to the spot, not able to speak. This is the only thing that could make my day even worse.

"Hi, Gale."

"Katniss? Jeez, whose been calling you? I would have thought…"

"What do you want, Gale?"

He waits before answering.

"I'm guessing you've gotten a call to come to the Capitol? They want me to go, too. Johanna is coming along as well. I just didn't know if you were going, with everything."

I don't say anything in return. If Gale was going, I am certainly not. I don't think Peeta would want to go any longer either. Gale spoke up after I don't say anything else.

"I'm going to be up there tomorrow, and then I have to head back to District 2. We wouldn't cross paths, if that's what you're wondering."

"You need to be back to design more bombs, is that it?"

I hear him sigh. "Katniss, I don't do that anymore. But yes, it involves defense."

I shudder. I hate, down to my bones, what Gale turned into. I don't hate him, I remember him as my friend in the forests of 12, but he isn't the same anymore. I don't need him, anyway. He seems to be doing fine on his own, too.

"I was just making sure you could handle it, emotionally."

Oh, that does it. My blood starts to boil; I clench my free hand into a fist and feel my muscles tense up. Is this why he called, to ask if I was still crazy? Who does he think I am, this quivering mess of a girl, holed up in the woods and not able to function?

I feel Peeta standing behind me, so I decide to end this conversation.

"For your information, Gale, I'm perfectly fine, and both me and Peeta are going."

"Mellark is going too, eh?"

I hate his tone. I hate his voice. I hate that I know him so well I can tell he's mocking Peeta.

"Yes, he is. Oh, and Gale?"

"Ya?"

"Screw you."

I hang up the receiver, still shaking with anger. I feel like I need to let out some steam, so without a word to Peeta I grab my bow from the closet and make my way to the backyard.

I don't leave the backyard; I simply take aim at a small target I fashioned a few weeks ago. I release arrow after arrow into the center of the target, despite my shaky hand.

"What did he say?"

I manage to put my bow down and turn to talk to Peeta. I know that Peeta has no hard feelings against Gale, but it's still an uneasy topic. I'm obviously shaken, and I can tell he's concerned.

"It doesn't matter."

Peeta steps forward, wrapping one arm around me and brushing my hair back from my face with the other.

"So, we're going now?"

I look up into his face; his kind eyes making me wonder why I was so hesitant in the first place. I figure, if Peeta is with me, it wouldn't be too bad. I also realize, much like going into town, it would have to happen eventually. Given my past, I can't just drop off the face of the earth without one last closing meeting in the Capitol. I only hope it isn't anything serious.

"We have to, don't we? They aren't giving us a choice. But, Peeta, could you call Caesar back?"

"Why?"

"I don't want the cameras. If we step off that train and see even one camera, we're turning right around and coming back. No pictures, no videos, no interviews, no prep team, and I want to wear my own damn clothes."

Peeta smiles down at me, kissing me gently on the lips. I return the favor, remembering what we were doing before the damn phone rang. He slowly pulls away, and I feel incomplete without his lips on mine. He holds me close to him, knowing that talking to Gale bothers me.

"Peeta?"

"Hmm?"

"Gale won't be there. I thought you should know."

"Good. I don't want him getting in the way."

He kisses me again, more firmly this time, and I feel that sensation of electrical currents running up and down my spine.

"Peeta, I want you to know that Gale could never get in the way."

I look up into his face, counting his freckles again, which has become my favorite pass time. I don't know how he turned me into such a… _girl_…. with all these foolish things like weak knees and losing my words after he kisses me. He says,

"We leave in three days."

I nod, a smile spreading across my face.

"Until then, can we just do this?"

"Well, if you insist."

We kiss again, and make our way back into the house.

* * *

Nothing in the world heals me like kissing Peeta does. I stare at him, looking away when he notices and blushing furiously. It's alright, though, because he does the same to me. We haven't gone too far, though. We kiss; our shirts have managed to slip off once or twice, but nothing else. I'm happy with where we are. Honestly, I don't think I can physically handle anymore of the sensations Peeta gives me until I can get through him kissing down my stomach without holding my breath.

It's strange; I feel so grown up. It's quite a strange thing to think about, really. I feel old, and weathered, scared, with more life experience than I really should have. I feel 45 sometimes instead of my real age.

But, when I look at Peeta, I know that I'm not 45. I am, in fact, 20, and this is how it should be. With every kiss and touch that we share, I feel a little bit of my battle scars wearing away. I still have nightmares; we both do; but as long as we are there for each other it will be alright.

It sounds sappy, it sounds so unrealistic… but it's true.

Sometimes I look at Peeta, unsure of how we got here, but so glad that we did.

* * *

_So, I responded to a few of you, but my computer deleted them :( I'm expecting to add a new chapter tomorrow, so I'll just put them in that one :P_

_ALSO..._

_**GIORGIA BB, WHERE ARE YOU? I MISS YOUR BEAUTIFULNESS AND YOUR REVIEWS ;_; **  
_


	15. Chapter 15

_Another new oneeeee... :D This one is sort of angsty, and the issues brought up will be covered more in the next chapter. _

* * *

Chapter Fifteen.

The next three days flew by incredibly fast. Before I knew it, both me and Peeta had each packed a small bag and where drinking tea in the kitchen, waiting for the train whistle. I sip my tea, not tasting it. All I can think about is the fact that I'll be on a train to the Capitol in a few moments, with the familiar feel of the train around me and the imposing Capitol buildings getting closer and closer.

I pick up my mug of tea again, now noticing I'm slighting shaking. I take another sip, still not tasting it. All it does is burn my throat.

I didn't sleep at all last night, and I'm sure Peeta didn't either. I tried, knowing that being tired would only make things worse, but I just ended up floating between wide awake and slightly drowsy.

As I set down my mug the train whistle sounds so loud that I feel the house shake, although I'm sure it's my imagination. I feel Peeta stir next to me, putting his mug in the sink and grabbing his duffle bag. I don't move. Maybe if I ignore it, if I finish my tea and pretend that I don't have to go, then I could stay.

Peeta leans over me and kisses my forehead, brushing my braid aside as he does.

"Come on, we can't miss the train."

I feel myself stand up and grab my bag, then lean into Peeta's shoulder and take a deep breath. He still smells like the bakery, and his strong arm around my shoulder reassures me enough that I somehow manage to walk out the door, and before I know what's happening, me and Peeta are climbing the steps to the train platform.

My chest constricts and I stop short, closing my eyes and trying to focus. The memories I have associated with this place come rushing back, attacking me from all directions and I don't know if I can do this. I feel Peeta's warm breath on my ear and his hand on my back.

"It's alright, Katniss. There won't be any cameras or interviews, and I'm going to be with you the whole time."

I don't know what to say so I nod, the last whistle sounds, and before I know it both me and Peeta are in our compartment, the countryside rushing by us.

The compartment we have isn't anything like the other times we've been on the train. It's a small room, with a modest bed and an attached bathroom. An attendant comes by to tell us that the food car is open, but I'm not hungry. I packed a few cheese buns anyway, just so I wouldn't have to leave the room.

I curl up on the bed, hugging the thin blankets to my chest and closing my eyes. It's so cold on the train. I'm relieved when Peeta slips in next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me against him so our bodies curve together.

We don't say anything, because we both know I'm terrified. I don't know what they have waiting for us, and I don't want to know. I feel so frustrated because I know I have to go, but I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

I don't know how, but I drift off to sleep and wake up to Peeta gently shaking my shoulder, holding out a cup of hot chocolate and a cheese bun. I sit up slowly, realizing just how hungry I actually am. I mutter, "Thank you."

Peeta has his own food, so we sit and eat in silence for a while. After I scarf down my food I lean into his shoulder, wanting to just be back in our house.

"You'll be fine."

"I guess."

"Remember, if even one thing is out of place we are going to leave."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

* * *

When we step off the train a few hours later it's already the next morning, the first light of day coming up from the large and hard-looking Capitol buildings. I step off onto the platform, Peeta in front of me and holding my hand. I don't see any cameras, no crazed crowds to bombard us, and we get into the car before anyone notices.

The car is low and dark, and the driver says the windows are tinted so no one will be able to see inside. We wind through the streets, the obnoxious colors still familiar. There are less people, less face makeup, but it's still the Capitol. I can't help but stare out the window, not able to tear my eyes away from everything. My heart skips a beat every so often without a specific reason.

By the time we pull up to what used to be Snow's mansion, the sun has fully risen in the sky and the streets are noisy again. We step out of the car; I gather my loose overcoat to protect myself from the bitter wind.

Paylor is there when we walk in, all smiles and conversation. She informs us of the new procedures and events, some of which we were already familiar with thanks to the news casting.

The mansion is still headquarters for the government, but the lavish rooms and unnecessary spoils have been converted into offices, storage, and conference rooms. The whole west side, basically a separate building, is now housing the Capitol citizens who were displaced during the fighting.

I'm told the rose garden has been destroyed, replaced with barracks for the guards stationed here.

I nod after Paylor says each of these things, not really caring, to be honest. Peeta is much more civil, asking questions and making comments about certain things. We end up on the third floor, where they have a large conference room and a few spare "guest rooms" for situations like this. I blush when she asks if we need one room or two, and Peeta responds with "Just one, thank you."

We only have time to drop our bags on the floor of the room when Plutarch comes rushing in, not bothering to knock and greeting us with a superior looking smile. We shake hands and then follow him into the conference room where everyone else is already waiting. I walk in and imediently feel like throwing up.

Plutarch sits next to Paylor. Caesar is also in the room, along with two other imposing looking men that I don't recognize. At the back of the long table, in the corner, is Gale.

"Sit down you two! Have you already had coffee?"

Plutarch asks, handing Peeta and I steaming mugs of the stuff. Neither of us takes a sip. We are all sitting now, in silence, waiting for what is about to be said. I look to Paylor, asking with my eyes that this be quick. I feel Gale's eyes on me, and I'm very aware that Peeta is tense in the chair next to me.

"As you all know, we are here to talk about the current state of Panem as well as new discoveries dealing with the reign of former President Snow."

Paylor takes a small control from the table and presses a button; a large screen rolls down from the ceiling at the far end of the room and displays various photos of the rebuilding of Panem.

I imediently zone out. I hear political terms thrown around, facts about the new government, and how educating the people in the Capitol about what Snow was actually doing is the hardest obstacle they have had to face. Gale speaks about District 2, how him and Beetee have disabled all the remaining bombs, traps, and other harmful devices. Peeta turns to Paylor and asks,

"What's being done, exactly, with the people in the Capitol? You mentioned before that most of them find it difficult to realize Snow was corrupt."

"Yes, well, it's been difficult. The people that saw the bombs and fighting towards the end have come to accept that something was going on, but otherwise we have been met with a lot of resistance. I also wanted to make a point of showing people what happened as opposed to telling them, so we are gradually releasing Snow's records to the public. If someone is curious, they can look. We've also stopped integrating the promotion of violence into the Capitol school systems. Some of the children ask why we no longer have the Hunger Games, so we take that chance to explain as best as we can that it was wrong and only used to frighten people."

Gale adds to the answer, "The resources of Panem are also being more evenly distributed. We're making sure no one is starving anymore."

I feel his eyes on me and I can't help but look up, meeting them with my own. What does he want me to do, stand up and hug him? Does he want me to congratulate him, compliment him, with trying to feed people? He talks about it like it was his idea, when I know these measures have been going on for a long time. I know this much from watching TV back home. I hear Plutarch speak next,

"There have also been monuments put up around the country, as I'm sure you've seen in District 12. The Games are no longer shown, but they are still a very important subject. We don't want to forget they ever happened. It needs to be a cautionary tale."

I reach for Peeta's hand under the table, gripping it in mine so hard I'm sure that the circulation is cut off. Then Peeta asks a question that makes me almost fall out of my chair.

"Do people still think Katniss and I are married?"

I don't look at anyone, and it takes a moment before Caesar answers.

"Well, Peeta, yes and no. We haven't gone public with correcting everything that Snow has done. Actually, I'm sure that the only people who know what exactly happened are you two, Haymitch, and Effie. Nothing specific has been covered, but it is a general statement that the Games were falsified. Why, when Mr. Odair confessed what happened behind the scenes to him, many people realized the media couldn't be trusted."

My muscles tighten again at the mention of Finnick, and I feel Peeta squeeze my hand again. I speak up before I even realize what I'm doing.

"Why are we here, then?"

Everyone looks at me; Caesar looks slightly taken aback. Peeta says my name, trying to calm me down. It doesn't work.

"None of this is new information. The news stations have been saying the same things… why bring us all the way out here for that?"

Paylor sighs. It scares me, because it's the sort of expression that people get when they are about to say something horrible, or reveal bad news. I don't know what else could possibly be happening. I scan the room.

Everyone has the same look. Even Gale.

"As I said before, Katniss, we have been going through all of Snow's records."

Paylor pauses and I turn to look at Peeta. I can't tell he doesn't know what's going on, either.

"There are some that concern you, specifically, and we wanted to make sure that they get into your possession and yours only."

Paylor gets up from her chair, grabs a thick file from a nearby table, and slides it to me. I see my name at the top, printed in straight black letters.

**Katniss Everdeen, Tribute (12/74)**

I pick it up, holding the thick material in my hands.

"Does Peeta have one, too?"

Another pause.

"Mr. Mellark doesn't have a file."

I turn to look at Peeta, his blue eyes confused. I am too. Why would he not have a file? He had as much to do with the games as I did. Part of me even wonders why we don't share a file when it hits me.

Peeta doesn't have a file because Peeta shouldn't be here. If Peeta hadn't been brought to District 13, he would have been killed. No file and no Peeta. A person who doesn't exist can't have a file.

I feel like I'm going to throw up and cry all at the same time. I feel infuriated, devastated… I keep going through what would have happened if Peeta had been killed. I cover my mouth with my hand, I feel the room spinning, I try to speak but I can't. I'm sure that's all they needed to tell us, because the next thing I recall is lying in the bed of the guest room.

My file is on a small desk in the same room, forgotten, while I sob into Peeta's chest and hold onto him like he's going to disappear, because he almost did.

When everything was happening I knew it was a very real possibility that they would kill Peeta. I knew, all along… but for some reason, knowing that there is physical proof that he was almost taken away from me is the worst thing I've come to realize in a long time. I don't know what to do or what to say; I just stay like this with Peeta for as long as I can remember. I don't say anything and he doesn't say anything.

I do realize that Peeta wasn't killed. He's here, with me, holding me and whispering comforting words in my ear. But for now I can only focus on the "what ifs" of the situation, and I don't want to try to sleep because I know I'll have nightmares about it.

I don't think I'll sleep ever again.

* * *

_Hey, I lied before when I said I would reply to you all in this one :( I have to get up early tomorrow, but I promise to follow through with Chapter 16!_


	16. Chapter 16

_OK... new chapter again! As always, don't forget to review!_

* * *

Chapter Sixteen._  
_

It seems as if we stay like this all day; Peeta holding me and letting me cry into his chest. Of course I'm sad, but most of all I can only think about how insanely mad I am.

How dare he? How dare Snow make these decisions?

After everything I've gone through and everything I've lost, he would take away Peeta, too. He would take away Peeta in the most horrific, painful way possible. He was planning on doing exactly what Peeta didn't want; he was going to strip away everything that Peeta is and then kill him when he's barley a shell of his former self.

I am so, so mad. I feel sick. I hate… _hate_ this.

"Katniss, please calm down."

Peeta's voice sounds far away. I lift my head up just enough so my eyes can meet his, and the look on his face tells me he is hurting for me. I then feel so stupid all of a sudden- I shouldn't be the one crying and having Peeta comfort me, I should be the one talking to him and making sure he is alright.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry."

I sit up on the bed and lean back against the headboard, roughly wiping away my tears and trying to calm myself down as fast as possible. Peeta follows suit, and I drape my legs over his lap when he wraps his arms around me.

"I'm sorry Peeta…I'm just so angry…"

"I know. Just, please don't cry. It's gone, it's in the past. I'm here, no matter what Snow was planning to do."

He kisses my forehead, which only makes me take a deep breath to prevent more tears. Being close to him just reminds me of what I would have lost.

But at the same time, I can't seem to let go.

"Remember when you told me we can't live in the past? Don't let this upset you so much, Katniss."

"But he was going to…"

"I know what he was going to do. But he didn't, alright? I'm here, with you, and I'm not going anywhere."

He kisses me on the cheek this time, and I inch closer when he goes to pull away so he is still resting his forehead against mine.

"I just can't stand the thought, Peeta… I can't stand it. I mean, I don't know where I would be right now if you weren't with me. I mean it, Peeta. You save me,"

I kiss him on the lips, letting the sensation shoot through my whole body until I feel it in my toes.

"You make me better, and you're the best man I know. I just… damn it! I'm sorry Peeta, I shouldn't be doing this… are you, I mean… are you alright?"

He kisses me before answering, and this time his hands are in my hair.

"Oh, I'm definitely alright."

I feel a small smirk spreading across my face, amazed that Peeta can still make me smile when something like this has just happened.

"Peeta…"

"I know. I'm fine Katniss, really. I just can't think about those things, you know? It doesn't matter what Snow did or was planning to do, because I'm out of it now. _We're_ out of it now. I'm here, not corrupted by tracker jacker venom, and kissing you. Honestly, it's more than I would have pictured happening. I promise that I'm alright, I just need to know that you are, too."

I take a deep breath, trying to let go of everything. I know what Peeta is saying is true. I can't let things that never happened make me so upset, not when I've come this far already. I need to stay better for Peeta and for myself. For Prim, too, even though she isn't here.

"I'll always be angry about it, Peeta, but that doesn't mean I'll let it control me. I'll be fine, I know it. I just really want to go home."

Peeta smiles at me, lacing his fingers with mine.

My eyes focus on the thick folder resting on the dresser, just in my line of vision behind Peeta's shoulders. I don't know if I want to open it or not. I can tell that Peeta catches my gaze and knows what I'm looking at, because he stands up, takes the folder in his hand and holds it out to me.

I stand up, my eyes meet his, and I take it in my hands as I take a step towards him. It feels heavy, and I stare down at my name for what seems like hours. I make the decision to just open it, read it once, and then destroy it.

Some small part of me needs to know what Snow had planned, to know what would have happened to me. I need to know so that all of the information is in front of me, so I can place it behind me properly, and walk away from it once and for all. I spin on my heel and sit on the bed, spreading the contents around me.

As I suspected, all of my information is in the file. All of my family's information is in it as well, including Gale and his family. There are fact sheets about the first Games, along with photographs. More information regarding the Quarter Quell is included, as well as a separate pile outlining all of my "rebellious actions".

After sifting through it all there is only a few pieces of paper left with new details; everything else was already things that I knew. I pick up these papers, my hands shaking a bit with anticipation. I know they weren't going to kill me; it would have been too easy.

My eyes skim the first paragraph, then the second, then the third. When I finish reading the small amount of information I look up at Peeta, his blue eyes searching mine for any trace of emotion.

I'm sort of in shock, although the information itself isn't shocking. I feel the weight of these facts settle in my stomach, and I feel my mouth go dry.

Basically, they were going to break me.

I was to be in the clutches of the Capitol, made to live here and do events for the Games. I would be paraded around Panem no longer as the Mockingjay, symbol of the rebellion, but as a symbol of the power of the Capitol. I would be shown to the people of Panem, proof that an uprising wouldn't work. I would be made to publicly confess to foolish notions of freedom and new government. Peeta would also be killed in this scenario, too. It would be taught that he died in battle, and that the "star-crossed lovers" idea was mine, used to manipulate the people of Panem and take advantage of their emotions.

And, to keep me from simply slashing my wrists or swallowing nightlock, they would hold my sister as collateral in their twisted game. If I was cooperative, non-threatening… they would keep Prim (as well as my mother and everyone else that was still alive) alive and fed, but not enough as to give them hope.

All of this I expected. But, there was a small paragraph towards the end that caught me off guard.

I was to be used like Finnick was… I would be ushered around as a sexual pawn, forced to be with men who paid Snow to have a night with the Mockingjay.

I don't know why, but this fact alone makes me feel queasy. Just the thought of being violated over and over again, while Snow sits happy in his office and with Prim under his thumb, knowing that I can't do anything about it. I would truly be trapped; I would have just enough emotional ties left for Snow to use them against me.

Peeta asks me without saying a word what is in the file, so I silently hand him those last few pages. I stare down at the blankets, taking the time to trace every stitch and pattern. I'm not upset, specifically. I don't feel like I'm going to break down or cry like I did when I heard about Peeta.

I feel… gross. If at all possible, I feel violated as if these things had already happened.

In what seems like slow motion I look up at Peeta, now done reading the file. I can tell that he doesn't know what to say exactly, and the anger in his whole body is evident. Snow could raise us for the slaughter, change us into people that we aren't… but this was a whole new level of manipulation.

I know Peeta is upset, maybe even more so than I am. He loves me, I know it, and for him to know that the girl he loves would be violated, prostituted, essentially _raped_…. and he wouldn't be around to even try to help me.

My eyes meet his again, and I can tell that he is desperately searching for the right words. In the end he doesn't say anything; he just leans forward and plants a kiss on my cheek. He stays close to me, not moving away, and asks me in a quiet tone,

"Are you alright?"

I feel his breath on my face when he asks me this, his hand on mine, and the presence of his body next to me. This alone tells me that I will be alright. I nod in response to his question, leaning forward just enough so I'm resting against him.

There is a knock at the door, and neither of us makes a move right away. After a moment Peeta stands up and opens the door, revealing an orange-haired Caesar Flickerman.

"Hello you two, I hope I'm not interrupting anything!"

He flashes his obnoxious smile, and I now notice he is holding a small metal box in his hands. When both Peeta and I don't say anything, he clears his throat and takes a small step into the room.

"I want you both to have these."

He holds out the box, which Peeta takes in his hands.

"What is it?"

"They are all of your tapes. Footage of the Games, your interviews, candid footage, basically anything that has either of you on camera."

He pauses, and I don't know why he is giving us these things. I don't want to watch any of it again, and I know Peeta doesn't either. When Caesar realizes we are confused he speaks up.

"I thought you would like to be the ones to determine what happens to them. These are the only copies. I figured, after all you two have been through, that you would want to decide when and if they should be shown. Oh, and Paylor doesn't know about this. No one does, actually."

Peeta and I look at each other, stunned that someone would give us a chance to do this. There is more uncomfortable silence when Caesar finally says,

"Well, I think I should be going. Lots to report on, you know."

He turns to go, but Peeta stops him.

"Hey, wait."

He turns around, looking at both of us. Peeta goes first.

"Thank you, Caesar."

"Ya, thank you."

He smiles at us again, but softer. Something in his expression tells me he had gotten tired of interviewing children year after year, asking them personal questions, shaking their hands only to know they will soon be killed. He walks away without another word, and Peeta places the box on top of the desk with my file.

We'll figure out what to do with them tomorrow when we board the train.

* * *

_lalalala... what do you all think of this one? I'm curious :D Now to finally respond to some reviews. _

_**MissRox:**_

_**Hey! French, eh? I took French in High School, which means I don't speak a word of it :p Anyway, thank you so much for the review! AND YOU ARE THE GODDESS OF REVIEWS. I hope you enjoy this one too!**_

_**Endor Solo:**_

_**Ha! Oblivious Katniss is the best. Thank you so much!**_

_**Pernille:**_

_**Hey fanfiction bestie! :D OH THANKS. I really love that conversation too, and I think it's really important to their relationship. Katniss wouldn't just come out and be like "omg I love you", you know? Oh, you're impressed skldjlkdjaslkd :D I must admit that I got lucky brainstorming that chapter. It's one of my favorites, besides chapter 12 :)**_

_**InLoveWithPeeta:**_

_**Very nice username :) Obviously, Gale has made an appearance. More things to come, just hang on!**_

_**Lydia: **_

_**OMG dude, thank you sooooo much! I can't say anything else except ILOVEYOU. I love that it makes you happy when you have a bad day! That's all I hope for out of this situation, it's fantastic. **_

_**Wildharp:**_

_**Thanks! I also really, really like Katniss's side of the convo with Peeta. I just really wanted Peeta to know that Katniss loves him, even if she doesn't know it herself yet. And don't worry, Gale's story isn't over yet. The petty side of you may be very happy!**_

_**Cowboy'sMontana:**_

_**Pppsshhhaawww! I'm glad you like it so much!**_

_**maryclumsykatherine:**_

_**Yes, Gale being there will be addressed. It seems as if he wasn't being honest when he was on the phone... ;)**_

_****As always, thank you very much! I appreciate all of you guys. **_


	17. Chapter 17

_Hey! This is a short one, and I have big, wonderful, fluffy plans for the next chapter. I'm planning on putting it up tomorrow, but I do post as I write so it may be the day after. I hope you all enjoy this one, even if it is on the small side! Oh and also, Josh won the MTV award for Best male performance! I wish Daniel Radcliffe had won for Harry Potter, considering it was the final movie and he was AMAZING, and thg has two more movies to do. With that being said, though, I'm so proud of my little J Hutch! He's so adorable. Jennifer Lawrence also won for best female role! (Even though I was rooting for Emma, for the same reasons as Dan) But, she is flawless as always. _

* * *

Chapter Seventeen._  
_

I wake up in the morning, more than ready to board the train for District 12. Peeta takes a shower before we leave, but I don't bother. I just want to go home, shower in my own bathroom, eat some rabbit stew, and fall asleep with the sounds of the forest outside my window.

Neither of us has brought up Gale and the fact that he isn't supposed to be here. He did tell me we wouldn't cross paths, but I don't have the time or energy to be mad at him. After all, our train leaves in a few hours and I don't plan on addressing him.

Of course, my plans never come to fruition.

Peeta and I are walking through the hallway of the mansion, holding our duffle bags and heading to the car that is waiting to take us to the train. I know once we get back to 12 we will be fine; the metal box with our tapes is resting in Peeta's bag and waiting to be dealt with.

We turn the corner on the first floor, right before the door. Gale is standing there, tall, dark, and brooding. All three of us stop where we are, frozen. I see Gale's dark eyes quickly run over me and then briefly flick to Peeta.

"Hi, Katniss. How have you been? You look good."

I know imediently that this is a lie, because I know for a fact I look like hell. I can feel Peeta tense up next to me when Gale tells me I look good. I cross my arms over my chest.

"What are you doing, Gale? You told me you wouldn't be here."

Gale smirks and takes a step towards me. It's now that I smell alcohol on his breath. He isn't drunk, I can tell, but it wouldn't surprise me to know he has had a few.

"Well, I had a change of plans. My day opened up, and Beetee is taking care of my work while I'm here."

Awkward silence rests between us, and I quickly glance at Peeta. It really shouldn't be this way. Gale and I were never anything. He should have the common courtesy to act like it.

"You didn't answer me, Katniss. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Gale."

There is more awkward silence, then Plutarch pops his head out from the doorway.

"Peeta, could you give me a hand with something?"

Peeta shoots him a look that seems to say "I hate you more than I've ever hated anything", and then turns to look at me. He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek, which I know was meant for Gale more than for me. He looks at Gale, then back at me before leaving to help Plutarch.

Once Peeta was gone Gale took a step closer, and then ran his hand through his hair.

"So, I take it you're with him now?"

"So what if I am, Gale? It isn't any of your business."

Gale takes another step closer, placing his hand on my shoulder which I shrug off imediently.

"I don't know why you have to make this so awkward. We kissed _twice_, why are you acting like we're married?"

"I just want to make sure you are fine with being back in 12. Being back with Mellark…"

"I _did not_ settle for Peeta, if that's what you're asking. I _chose_ to go back to 12. I _chose_ to be with Peeta. You chose to live in District 2, never even try to call me, and to work with weapons."

"So you wish I had returned to 12? Were you upset that I'm in 2?"

"No, Gale! It's your life. Our lives have gone separate ways, and I'm completely fine with that. We are different people, Gale, and we wouldn't have ended up together anyway. You need to stop making a big deal out of this."

The truth is that I was more relieved than anything when I found out Gale wasn't coming back to District 12. I didn't need his fire, I know that, and I don't understand why Gale has to make a huge deal out of this. I don't want to be with Gale. I never did.

I see his jaw tighten and he keeps talking.

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"Why the hell would that matter, Gale? More importantly, why would you even ask that? Why would I tell you? LEAVE ME ALONE, GALE! YOU MAKE THIS SO DIFFICULT! DAMN YOU!"

My fists are clenched by my sides and I literally feel the anger flow from my body. I want to slap him; I want to scream in his face and make him as angry as I am now. How dare he do this? Like I haven't been through enough today, Gale has to start this unnecessary conversation and create more problems for me.

Peeta comes from around the corner and walks right to me, glaring at Gale on his way.

"Come on, let's go."

I turn to follow Peeta out of the door when Gale speaks up again.

"Make sure Mellark is taking care of you, Katniss."

We both freeze, and I open my mouth to say something. Peeta, however, beats me to it.

"I am taking care of her, Gale. I have been for a long time now. But make no mistake; Katniss is taking care of herself too. And she takes care of me. That's more than you could ever give her."

With that Peeta turns on his heel, drapes his arm around my shoulder and walks us out the door and into the car. We sit in the car in silence, and board the train the same way. We get a room almost identical to the first one we had. I sit on the bed, the conversation with Gale making me feel exhausted. Peeta sits down next to me.

"Did that upset you, what I said?"

"No, Peeta. It was perfect. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish Gale knew that we would have been nothing. I mean, there wasn't even a "we" to begin with between him and me. I don't need more people mad at me, or angry in general. If Gale is in my life, which is his choice and his alone, it needs to be as a friend and nothing more. I don't know why he's acting like this."

Peeta rubs my back and kisses my forehead.

"I think the war changed him too, Katniss. Maybe this is his way of dealing with it. And I certainly understand him wanting to be with you. That doesn't mean, however, that I like what he said to you."

"I know, Peeta. I just want to go home and forget about it all."

Peeta smiles at me and nods in agreement.

"Sounds great."

* * *

_Review responding time! Also, I would like to address the changes going on. Some stories have been removed (or are going to be removed) of they contain violence, curse words, are rated M, are inspired by a song... and other things. I'm putting the URL to the change (dot) org petition that you can sign to stop this from happening. I think mine would be safe, but I'm thinking of putting it on an additional cite just in case. I'll let you know where/when I do! _

_www (dot) change (dot) org/petitions/fanfiction-net-stop-the-destruction-of-fanfiction-net_

_**PeetaKatniss10:**  
_

_**Awwww, thank you! And you will be getting your fluff very soon, my friend!**_

_**Wildharp:**_

_**Oh thanks! I was worried a bit; I didn't want to have Katniss cry again, to be honest. But, considering the situation I think it is appropriate. She needs to get it out of her system in order to move on. **_

_**MissRox:**_

_**No mistakes! You're English is great. OH MAN, your reviews make me smile! sajdhalskdhaklsd I have a fan! :D :D**_

_**Pernille:**_

**_Oh haiii. Thank you as always for your awesome review and comments! I really look forward to reading what you think and responding to your questions and comments. What would have happened to Katniss/Peeta after was sort of hard to think of, but for some reason I knew right away that I wanted to include the sexual exploitation aspect of the plan. This whole realization with move the story forward and will give me wonderful situations to write fluff! _**

**_Synchro lover:_**

**_ OH STAWP. _**

**_Lauren:_**

**_HERE IT IS. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN. LALALA. ;)_**

**_**Thanks everyone, and have an awesome week! _**


	18. Chapter 18

_Hello my lovelies! This is the fluff I promised, I really hope you like it :D I was recently asked a few questions regarding thg, so I'll answer those now :)_

_**-**Why do you think Katniss doesn't want any kids, and why do you think Peeta wants them so much? _

_I think that Katniss doesn't want children because of all the horrible things that happened to her. In the books she said she didn't want children because of how Panem was, and how difficult life was for everyone. She didn't want to raise a child in a world where food wasn't guaranteed and that her child would be put up for the slaughter once a year; even if he/she wasn't chosen, they would still be subjected to watching the games on TV and living with the Capitol forever watching. Once the rebellion is over I still think that Katniss thinks these same things, even though hunger and the Capitol aren't threats anymore. I don't think she will ever get used to having food or freedom, because she will always remember what it was like to not have those things. Also, she has seen the violence, evil, corruption, and manipulation that exists in the world. She wouldn't want to bring a child into that. I also think she wouldn't trust herself to care for a child when she has so many effects from the war as well as emotional issues. _

_I think Peeta would have always wanted children, but in a way the war made him want them more. I think he always dreamed of a life with Katniss and a few kids running around. Even though both Katniss and Peeta have gone through the same hardship, I think Peeta sees the potential in the world now. It happens sometimes with people who are abused, for example. They feel that it's almost their duty to have kids and raise them right, to teach them that the monsters under the bed are very much real but that they can be defeated; to try an put some good back in the world. I think this fits Peeta exactly. I don't like it when people say that Peeta forced Katniss into having children. He wouldn't do that. It did take 15 years, so it was thought about. I think Katniss agreed to have children with Peeta to make him happy, of course, but I think also because she came to realize the world can be good again. It says in "Mockingjay" that Peeta reminds Katniss that the world can be good again, he's the dandelion in the spring. Also, lets not forget that she is in love with Peeta. She was afraid, but I really do think she truly wanted to have his children. _

**_-_**_Do you think those questions will come to play in your fanfiction?__  
_

_I wasn't planning on putting the question of children in this particular one. I feel like "These Games We Play" is more of a story about Katniss and Peeta finding their way back to each other and having a chance to properly explore their feelings for one another. I was thinking of writing a one-shot or a 2 chapter fic dealing with that question and how Katniss came to the conclusion that she is alright with having children. _

**_-_**_Do you have a twitter or a tumblr account? _

_I don't have a twitter, but you are welcome to visit my tumblr! It's **www . sipping-coffee-at-hogwarts . tumblr . com** :)_

* * *

Chapter Eighteen.  **ATTENTION! THE M RATED VERSION OF THIS CHAPTER IS NOW A SEPARATE STORY, "THAT TIME IN 18."**_  
_

The train ride seemed to be taking longer than the ride to the Capitol. I fell asleep again, and Peeta had ventured to the food car to get us both hot chocolate when I finally woke up. I can tell by the way he keeps his sentences short and his gazes long that he wants to talk about the file, or at least ask me a question about it.

I don't know what to think about it. Obviously we both know how I feel about Peeta's lack of a file, but I've decided to do my best and follow Peeta's advice. It didn't happen, it's not going to happen, so I need to push it away and not let it drag me down.

When I finish my hot chocolate I stand up to look out the train window. All I see are thousands of trees flying by, and I stare so long that they start to look like green blurs, or the paint strokes on a canvas. The sky is starting to dim, and I see a large lake in the distance. I turn to see Peeta, still sitting on the bed with his mug in his hand.

"I know you want to talk about something, Peeta."

He smiles at me, shyly, and walks over to join me at the window. I lean into his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me; the usual. He still smells like the bakery, even though he hasn't baked anything in a few days.

"I just want to make sure you're fine with everything. I know I already asked you, but you're not usually eager to say what you're thinking."

He smiles at me again, and I throw a small smile back to let him know I'm alright.

"You know I hate what Snow would have done to you…"

"No, Katniss, I was talking about your file -what they were going to do with you."

I pause for a second and look up at him, not really sure how to put my thoughts into words. I step away from him and get a drink of water from the small bathroom. I undo my hair and re-braid it to give myself something to do. Peeta doesn't follow me, but I can feel his presence just outside the door. I walk out and go back to the window, leaning against the smooth glass.

"I don't know, Peeta. It's strange to think about… I guess I just feel…contaminated somehow."

"You know that I would have done anything, _anything _to save you from that, right?"

"I know, Peeta, but it wouldn't matter. They would have killed you."

I can tell he's emotional about this. For a moment I wonder if this has affected him more that it did me. His blue eyes are burning, and his jaw is clenched.

"I know Peeta; I know you would have done anything. But you wouldn't be able to, Snow would have been sure of it. I hate that he had those things planned, and I know you do too."

He looked down at the ground, then back up to me. He looks so sorrowful.

"I would have hated it to, Peeta. Even though nothing like that ever happened, I still feel like it did on some level. I feel gross… just to know that I was so close to that life."

"I feel awful, Katniss. They could have killed me, tortured me, anything… but to know that they would have done those things to you… It makes me angrier than anything to know I couldn't have done one thing about it."

"But it didn't happen, Peeta. I'm fine. It just makes my skin crawl, but I'll get over it. To know that horrible, Capitol men would be touching me…I mean, you're the only one I pictured…"

I felt my eyes grow huge in my head, and I notice Peeta's eyes sparkle a bit. I tense up and I feel all the blood in my body rush up to my face. I don't know what else to do but run away from the situation, so I turn as fast as I can and take refuge in the bathroom. I whip the door closed and sit on the floor, my head in my hands and feeling mortified.

How in the hell did I let that slip? I mean, I've never actually _pictured _Peeta and me, um, in that situation. I guess it wasn't really a question, though. Like I was about to tell him, I never thought of it being anyone else other than Peeta. The more I sit on the cold floor of the bathroom I realize I would have been stupid to come to any other conclusion.

Who else but Peeta? When I think about the way he kisses me, even when he did during the games, it was so different. And wonderful. I knew that the fire in my belly on the beach of the Quarter Quell would lead to something. How could it not? Peeta and I live together; he shares my bed every night and holds me until I fall asleep.

Damn it. I need to admit it to myself.

It isn't my bed anymore, it's _ours_. Mine and Peeta's. I shouldn't be so afraid of this. Well, I'm not afraid exactly. I'm just…well, afraid, but in a nervous and inexperienced way. I hear Peeta knocking on the door.

"Katniss, please come out of there."

I stand up slowly and open the door, met with a new rush of embarrassment when I see Peeta with a small smile on his face. His blonde hair was hanging in front of his eyes, and the subtle light shining in from the window setting off his freckles. Why did he have to look so incredibly good right now? I look awkwardly to the side and wait for him to say something.

"Katniss, don't be so mortified."

He says this with a smile on his face, and when I look up at him I don't remember why I was so nervous. I manage a small smile and I lean against his shoulder as he gently starts to rub my back.

"You're adorable."

He kisses me on the forehead and I look up at him, suddenly wanting to finish what I was saying earlier.

"I'm sorry! I just… I meant it, you know."

"You don't have to…"

"No, Peeta, I'm just saying. The thought of that happening to me is only so disturbing because I would want it to be you. I mean, you have to know by now that I really… I care about you, Peeta."

His smile is in his eyes now, and he kisses me on the forehead. He begins to talk, softly; I can tell he's a bit nervous by the way he gently runs the hem of my shirt between his fingers.

"I guess that's why I was so upset, too, besides the fact that I wouldn't be able to help you. It would be awful to know that it wasn't me."

His eyes meet mine, and it feels like forever before he kisses me. It's soft and wonderful, his arms strong around me. It's like how he kissed me for the first time since we were back in District 12. I stand on my tip toes so we're at the same height, and I wrap my arms around his neck. I feel one of his hands move up my back and onto the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

We pull apart for a split second, catch our breath, and then kiss again. I feel myself sigh into him, something I haven't done before and I feel like he kisses me harder when I do this. He's gentle and firm with me at the same time. It's perfect.

His hands are still at the hem of my shirt, and when we pull away briefly to catch our breath again he whispers my name.

"Katniss…"

"It's alright, Peeta."

He doesn't question me this time, and my shirt is slowly pulled over my head and thrown to the floor. I feel it again, the fire in my belly. This time it is spreading to the roots of my hair, my fingers, and the tips of my toes. The intoxicating feeling of his finger tips is all over my bare skin, sending more waves of a feeling I can't really name all over me. Peeta moves his lips to my neck, and right away that alien nose comes from the back of my throat. I need him to be closer to me, more than I've ever needed anything.

I take a small step back from him, and he looks confused until I reach for the hem of his shirt. He realizes what I'm doing and helps me discard it. I try to touch him and kiss him like he does to me, and I hope I'm doing it right because I'm hopelessly ignorant about it all. My toes are cramping from standing on them for so long, and every time Peeta kisses me neck I feel my knees get weaker.

He seems to know this, which amazes me. How does he do that? It's like we are one person, right here and now. Because of the small size of the room, when Peeta takes one step backwards (taking me with him) we're already at the bed.

He pulls me along with him, and now we're sitting on the bed together, still kissing. I don't really know what's happening, but I'm completely fine with it. It's just me and Peeta. My hands are in his hair and his hands are running all over my back.

His lips move away from mine again and kiss me over every inch of exposed skin I have. I kiss his nose and cheeks, then move my own lips to Peeta's ear and kiss him so softly I'm not sure my lips even make contact. Once again, I don't have any idea what I'm doing, but that doesn't stop me from slowly surrounding his ear lobe with my lips. He tries to say something but it gets caught in his throat, coming out like a strangled sort of noise.

He pulls his lips from where they were right above one of my breasts and kisses me on the lips, pulling me towards him even more. I'm actually almost straddling him, both of us still sitting on the end of the bed. I feel his hand wonder from my hair down the side of my waist and onto my leg, resting on my thigh.

He whispers into our kiss, "Katniss, if you want to stop, just say so."

"Peeta, it's ok. Trust me, please." I whisper back.

"I love you."

"I know."

His hand slides from its current spot to the inside of my thigh and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I wonder why in the world I waited so long for this. I don't even know what we are going to end up doing. Are we going to go all the way… oh my god he's going to see me naked… or will we do other things…? I don't know, but whatever it is I can't wait, and I know this is what I want.

His other hand slips one of my bra straps off as he kisses my shoulder. He kisses a line from my shoulder down to above my chest again, and his hand moves down to brush against my breast. Again, something I can only describe as a whimper emerges from my lips.

Now Peeta is leaning against the same wall that the bed is placed against, and it's apparent that I am straddling him now. His hand moves over my breast again, and I whisper his name for a reason that I'm not sure of. Both his hands move down to gently grip my hip bones and he kisses me on the nose. Our eyes meet and I can tell he's asking me something, asking for permission.

I answer him by planting a kiss on his lips and whispering, "I trust you, remember?"

He kisses me back and pulls me down by my hips and I let out a gasp. Ok, now I'm sure we're not going to hold back. I respond my grinding down on him at the same time he pulls me down using my hips, and I hear him make a noise that comes from the back of his throat and sounds like he can't breathe.

I know his grip on my hips will leave a bruise, but I don't care. He kisses me on my neck and wraps one arm around my waist to pull me even closer. He turns me on his lap and lays me down on the bed so he is hovering over me, the heal of my foot hooked around him. He kisses me again and this time he is the one to grind into me, and now it's my turn to let a moan escape my throat.

He does it again and I feel like I can't breathe, I can't see and I don't remember my name. This boy is impossible. He keeps kissing me and whispering my name. I can tell by the pressure between us that he wants this as much as I do. I reach for the zipper on his pants when a voice sounds through the whole train on the speaker system.

"District 12, five minutes."

Peeta and I look at each other and laugh, because if we don't I would curse and I'm pretty sure he would actually cry. His blue eyes sparkle at me and his smile sends chills down my spine. His forehead drops and rests on my shoulder as he mutters, "Damn it." I chuckle a bit and he lifts his head up, and then kisses me softly on the lips. He lingers on my lips for a moment, then kisses a line down my neck and stops himself. He rests his forehead on mine this time and just sighs, looking into my eyes with the most adorable look I've ever seen.

After a few moments Peeta manages to sit up and I follow suit. We must have only three minutes until we reach 12, so I grab his shirt and sheepishly hand it to him with a smile on my face. He hands me mine and says, "Oh, sorry…" and gestures to my neck, which I can tell by a quick glance already has a mark from his lips. I look back at him and say,

"It's fine."

We manage a small laugh again, and straighten our clothes just in time for the train whistle to sound and the passengers to exit the train. We hold hands and walk to the house, savoring the green of the woods and the rustle of the leaves.

Haymitch is sitting on the stairs at the front of his house with a bottle of liquor in his hand. He tries to wave and say something to us, but both Peeta and I keep walking past him and make our way into the house. When the door is closed Peeta shoots me a look, and we both drop our duffle bags to the ground.

We don't have any interruptions this time.

* * *

_yay! Oh I hope you all like this one. I worked really hard on it. This is new territory for me! Well, now it's response time._

_**MissRox:**  
_

_**Oh I know, but this one is longer! I really hope you liked it my dear *hugs* :)**_

_**maryclumsykatherine:**_

_**daskdjakldj oh geee *blushes and hides in closet*  
**_

_**Charlotte:**_

_**Thank you! And I hope you are good with your questions that I answered above :)**_

_**DDH1215:**_

_**Oh, Chapter 12, you're a bit new! Well I'm glad, I love new readers! I hope you liked it as well as all the others, I can't wait to hear from you again!**_

_****Thank you everyone! ****ATTENTION! THE M RATED VERSION OF THIS CHAPTER IS NOW A SEPARATE STORY, "THAT TIME IN 18."**_


	19. Chapter 19

_Reviews please!_

* * *

Chapter Nineteen._  
_

I roll over, tangled in the many blankets on the bed. I take a deep breath without opening my eyes, and I can tell its morning by the way the air feels and the warmth of the sun on my bare shoulder.

I open my eyes and see Peeta looking at me, his freckles even more prominent in the bright sunlight and his smile bigger than I've ever seen it. He leans forward and kisses my forehead, tangling my hair in his hands.

"What time is it?"

Peeta yawns before answering. "Almost ten. I have to…"

"Peeta Mellark, don't you even think about going to that damn bakery today."

He smiles at me and laughs, moving in closer and pulling me towards him by my waist.

"I was going to say that I have to get some tea. Believe me; I'm not going anywhere today."

He kisses me on the lips, firm and soft. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and hook one of my heels around him, trying to pull him as close to me as I can. I take a deep breath, remembering last night.

So, Peeta and I had sex. I refuse to use the term "making love"; it sounds so childish, something that an immature teenager would say. It was the single most amazing thing I have ever experienced, and I honestly don't know how it could be better. Peeta was perfect. He kissed me in all the right places, said all the right things, and it didn't hurt like I've been told it would. Well, at first there was an uncomfortable pressure, but Peeta made sure to ask me about one thousand times if I was alright. What kind of question was that? Of course I was.

I remember the way his blue eyes stared into my grey ones, and how the pressure of his body on mine was wonderful. I let my guard down completely. He kissed me, touched me, was inside of me, and I wanted it to happen. I remember saying his name over and over, sometimes not aware of it. At the end I felt the knot in my stomach explode, and for a second I was afraid that Haymitch would hear. That worry quickly subsided, and I found myself not caring if all of Panem heard us.

I look at Peeta, all smiles. All I want to do for the rest of my life is stay in this bed with Peeta. I smile back at him.

"How did you get so good at that? And you better not say you've had a lot of practice."

Peeta smirks, "Well, I've only been thinking about that for the past, like, sixteen years."

I blush, finding it difficult to believe that Peeta has had these sorts of thoughts about me. I mean, I spent three quarters of my life covered in dirt and with the social skills of a rock. He dismisses my thoughts with a kiss, and then rests his hand along the curve of my waist.

"Oh Katniss, you still have no idea the effect you can have. I should be asking you the same question."

I blush again and attempt to hide my face in his shoulder, and Peeta responds by rubbing my back and chuckling softly. I shake my head.

"Are we really debating who is better at this?"

"Well, Miss Everdeen, I can think of a way to decide once and for all."

Peeta shoots me a look that I think is supposed to be seductive, but it makes me laugh because he looks more adorable than anything. He responds to my laughter by kissing every inch of my face as I keep laughing, and he pulls me closer to him by my waist. He moves his lips down to the back of my ear, and the feel of his warm breath on my skin makes me sigh.

"Seriously, Peeta, so good at this…"

"You know..," Peeta begins, still kissing me on my neck and across my jaw line, "I didn't think I could love you anymore than I already did, but if it's even possible I think I love you more than I ever have."

I kiss him back, finding that place on his ear that I remember getting a good response from before.

"Katniss…"

He moves his whole body over me now, and we're skin on skin again. He kisses me harder and I feel his hand brush up my leg and grip my thigh, pulling it up so my ankle hooks around his hip. He kisses my neck again and I let out a throaty moan when we hear a knock at the door. We both ignore it and keep kissing, but it happens again and again, louder each time. Finally Peeta manages to untangle our lips and take a breath.

"Whoever that is, I swear I'm going to kill them if they knock one more time."

Right on cue, another loud knock sounded through the house, and the look on Peeta's face was almost comical. Then we hear,

"Hey! Boy! Mockingjay! What kind of neighbors are you, not even greeting your old friend Haymitch?"

Peeta's eyes meet mine and I say, "Oh. my. God."

Peeta sighs and plants a kiss on my collar bone, then regrettably gets up and pulls on a pair of sleep pants that where lying on the floor. He walks over to the window, opens it, and yells, "What do you want, Haymitch?"

"I'm just saying hello, kid! Where's the Mockingjay?"

Peeta turns to look at me and he shrugs. I know the only way that Haymitch will go away is if he gets what he wants, so I pull on Peeta's shirt and walk to the window. Haymitch is standing in my front yard, holding a half full bottle of booze and squinting up at the window. He doesn't have any shoes on, and his shirt is only half buttoned. I shoot him a glare.

"What the hell do you want?"

Haymitch scoffs and takes a swig from the bottle.

"Did I interrupt something? Oh man, I did! You finally got somewhere, huh boy? It's about damn time!"

"Shut up Haymitch!" I yell, horrified that the whole District might hear him yelling.

"Oh, she's still a bit irritable! I think you need to have another go, bo..."

He doesn't finish his sentence because he falls to the ground, lunging away from the hair brush that I just threw at him.

"Don't make me get my bow!"

Haymitch pulls himself up from the ground and wipes some dirt from his side, takes another swig and gestures up at Peeta.

"Good luck with that handful!"

He turns and walks away, and then I slam the window shut. I turn to Peeta and cross my arms over my chest, angrier at Haymitch than I've ever been. Peeta smiles at me and pulls me to him by my elbows, and then I rest my head on his chest.

"I'm totally fine with you shooting him, by the way."

We both laugh and I kiss him, so glad that we've made it this far. I never thought I would be this happy, and I never thought that Peeta would come back to me after the hijacking. I never thought I would be normal again, to be honest. I look up at him and see his smile, feel his skin on mine and I've never been so happy that I have Peeta. I think of earlier, when I woke up to his smile and his hands in my hair.

We lay back in bed, just holding each other, and I think about the fact that I'm so incredibly happy that it's Peeta, not Gale, that is lying next to me. I look over at him and see hope that the future will be better, I see the boy with the bread. The Capitol couldn't take him away from me. No one ever could. I love him, and I know it, and I want him to know it. This wonderful, kind, amazing man deserves to know what I feel about him, after everything we've been through and after all the doubts he has had.

"Peeta?"

"Mmmhh?" He turns to look at me.

"I love you, you know."

He smiles slowly, and I feel my cheeks getting hot. I don't break my gaze, though. He doesn't say anything right away, so I say something else.

"And not just because of last night. I really, really love you, Peeta. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."

I see his adams apple bob up and down, and he silently reaches forward and runs some of my hair through his fingers, then traces every line of my face like he's trying to memorize me. He leans forward and softly kisses my lips, then whispers,

"Katniss…"

He looks up at me again, then continues,

"You love me, real or not real?"

And I tell him, "real."

* * *

_lalalala... _


	20. Chapter 20

_Hey, it's not over! I promise I wouldn't leave you hanging like that. For those of you who haven't noticed, I published a new one shot about Katniss and Peeta, rated "M" and dealing with what happened between Chapter 18 and 19. Read and review! _

* * *

Chapter Twenty._  
_

"Peeta, you need to unpack. We've been home for two months."

I'm in the middle of braiding my hair over my shoulder, and Peeta is brushing his teeth in the bathroom. I usually don't care about these things, but Peeta's bag hasn't been moved once in eight weeks. Buttercup has started sleeping on it, thinking it's a new addition to the house.

"I will, alright? I'm just really busy with the bakery and everything."

"You spent half of yesterday in bed."

"Ya, but you where there too, remember?"

He peeks around the doorframe and shoots me a look complete with a smirk, so I roll my eyes.

"You don't have anything else to do today, you can do it now."

Peeta walks out of the bathroom, wearing his usual pair of sleep pants and loose shirt. He sits next to me, leaning forward and brushing his lips against the crook of my neck.

"I kinda had plans for tonight…"

"Peeta!"

"Ok, ok…I'll unpack."

He finally relents, standing up and smirking at me again before he goes downstairs to get his bag. I return his smile and finish my hair, sitting back on the bed and looking through our book. We've added pictures of almost everyone, and the writing portion is getting done pretty fast as well. We managed to sober up Haymitch long enough for him to write his experience of his own games, and he described his fellow tributes to Peeta so he could draw them. Prim's page is done; I wrote down all I could in one afternoon. Every childhood memory and almost forgotten story was written down, and it served as a healing process. Peeta has put his family into the book as well, not yet getting to his mother.

We have my parents wedding photo as well as a picture of Finnick and Annie's son, who looks exactly like his father. Both Peeta and I talked to her on the phone along with Johanna the other day. We told them about the book and Johanna offered to take the train down and pose for her drawing in person; I obviously refused adamantly and was stuttering my words as Peeta laughed. Then she asked if Peeta had "manned up and slept with me yet"… we mysteriously lost our connection before we could respond.

Both Peeta and I haven't yet put our own experiences into words. Sometimes, like when Peeta had a small episode last week, he will write down his experience and what memory/hallucination it was about.

I put the book down on my dresser just when Peeta walks back into the room, his duffle bag (absolutely _covered _in cat hair) in his hands. He drops in on a nearby chair and unzips it, putting various items of clothing away. After he places a pair of pants in the closet he pulls out the metal box Caesar gave us, the one with all our tapes.

He holds it in his hands, looking up at me and I know what he's thinking: what the hell should we do with this? He sits on the edge of the bed and I join him while he opens the lid and peers inside.

"Are they just tapes?"

"Ya, they're like those small disks in the Capitol. They're not labeled, though."

I take one and turn it over in my hands, inspecting it. Each disk is no bigger than the palm of my hand and shaped like a circle. Peeta was right, I don't see any markings. I look down and scrunch my eyes to make sure, but all I see is my reflection in the shiny black coloring.

We both look at each other, the tapes in our hands seeming like they have a presence all on their own.

"Should we watch them? I mean, just so we know what they are."

"I don't know, Peeta. We already lived it; I don't feel like going through all of that again. I am definitely not watching the games or the battle especially."

"I'm not talking about the games; I mean like candid's and stuff… I was thinking, Prim might be on one. My brothers too, maybe."

Now I understand. I'm not sure how I feel about seeing Prim, but I'm all for the idea if Peeta wants to see his brothers again. The more I think about it, it could also help Peeta with his "real or not real" questions. I assume these tapes aren't altered, and I would know if they were anyway. I look at Peeta and nod.

"If you want to Peeta, I'll watch them with you."

We walk downstairs and Peeta places all of the disks on a sort of rotation machine attached to my TV, so we just press a button on the screen and it changes disk. I've never used it, but he seems to figure it out pretty quick.

I sit next to him on the carpeted floor, closer to the TV than usual so we have control over the different disks. I can feel that we're both nervous. I hug my knees to my chest and lean my back against the couch while Peeta is next to me, holding my hand and with a deceivingly calm look on his face.

We press play, and the first image is of the games. It's just woods, but we both recognize them. It cuts to the cave, and we watch ourselves kiss for the first time before we really can react. Peeta presses the button on the TV and mutters, "Well, that's awkward."

The next scene is some miscellaneous footage of Peeta and I in interviews, reacting to said interviews and some scenes during the victory tour. We see the interview where Peeta says we are married and I'm pregnant.

"We can get rid of that one."

Peeta agrees, and then hits the button again. This time it's from District 12, the reaping and the faces of people I know I will never see again. There is also a portion from outside my old house in the seam; Prim and I walking to town for the reaping. I didn't know they were filming that, but I'm not surprised either. At the sight of Prim I tense up and Peeta squeezes my hand, but I'm fine. I see myself say something and Prim smiles, which calms me in a way I didn't expect.

Then it is me and Cinna, and I'm twirling on stage and turning into a Mockingjay. We both stop and stare at the dress go up in flames and then transform, which still makes my breath catch in my throat.

"We keep this one, for Cinna."

We go through others; the Quarter Quell, which is when Peeta asks the most questions. They are all "real or not real", and they are easy to answer. Peeta has a good idea of the truth, but sometimes the details slip away. We see Johanna, Finnick, Beetee, and some aerial footage of District 13. There is Finnick and Annie's wedding and Prim and I dancing. We keep that one, too.

It abruptly switches to the first time Peeta saw me after he was rescued from the Capitol, it showed him lunging forward and wrapping his hands around my neck. I'm the one to rush forward and hit the button for this one. I can see it in Peeta's eyes that he's torn up by it, so he kisses me and says he's sorry a half dozen times. I let him, saying that it wasn't his fault. He seems to be alright after a moment, even though I think he might bring it up again later. We continue with the tapes.

Then it cuts to the woods in 12, right next to the old Hob before it was burned. This is the last disk, it says so on the bottom of the screen, and at first I don't know what the point of it is. Then I see Gale and me outside the Hob, Gale step forward and say something, and then he kisses me. Both Peeta and I don't move, frozen to the ground for reasons that I don't know.

Then it shows Gale being whipped, me stepping in front and getting cut, and rushing him back to my house. The camera zooms through my kitchen window and we watch me kiss Gale on the lips, visibly upset and emotional. I make a move forward to stop it, but Peeta is on his feet faster than me and he shuts the TV off altogether. I don't know what to say, so I stand up and face him.

He's looking at me with such sorrow in his eyes that it kills me. I figured he might be upset, but this is more serious that I thought. I expected to have to reassure him, go over for the millionth time that Gale doesn't mean anything to me, but the tone of the conversation changes when Peeta speaks up.

"You lied to me."

I open my mouth to say something, but quickly close it. What did he say? It hits me… Peeta's actually mad at me. I can see his stiff muscles and the way his jaw is tight. I'm surprised and worried.

"What do you…?"

He interrupts by gesturing to the TV and almost yelling at me.

"You lied about kissing Gale, Katniss! Don't tell me you don't remember. Months and months ago, when we were eating in the kitchen the day after I came back from the Capitol? I asked you if you ever kissed Gale. You said not real."

I stand there in silence, remembering exactly what he's talking about. I did tell him not real. I didn't see the point in saying anything… it didn't mean anything, Gale initiated it and the second kiss was because I thought he was dieing, I panicked… I didn't see the need in upsetting Peeta.

"Peeta, I didn't see the point…" I begin, trying to keep my voice level and my tone calm. I'm worried, but also so frustrated at having to explain myself over and over again.

"You lied to me!"

I see the anger in his eyes. He's sad and frustrated, and part of me thinks it isn't just about Gale. Peeta steps around me and walks into the kitchen, harshly grabbing for a drink of water and downing it all in one gulp. I follow him, still careful to keep my tone level.

"What else are you lying about, Katniss? How many times have I asked you "real or not real" and you brushed past the truth like it was nothing?"

"Peeta, stop! It was just that once! That was so long ago, I didn't want to talk about Gale or anything that happened with us." Peeta steps forward again, so we are closer now. He isn't screaming, but the tone and harshness in his voice is evident.

"What did happen with you then, did you date him! Did you sleep with him?"

Now I'm mad. I feel like I'm being interrogated, I just told him the truth and that doesn't seem enough.

"Of course not! I'm telling you, nothing happened! Gale kissed me; I had nothing to do with it!"

"Ya, it really looked like he had a hold of the situation when he was almost passed out on the damn kitchen table!"

"I thought he was dieing, I was…"

"Oh, did you feel bad for him? Is that why you're with me, too? Do you feel bad for me, Katniss, with my episodes and this damn thing?" He points to his prosthetic leg, which I know he is self conscious about. I don't know what to say to that. I've said everything; I've told Peeta all I can about this. We just stare at each other for a moment, Peeta's chest heaving with adrenaline. I speak up after a while.

"What do you want from me, Peeta? I'm sorry!"

"You still lied, Katniss. I thought we promised to never do that?"

"I'm telling you the truth now, Peeta! I didn't think about it, I just answered… Peeta, you know Gale isn't anything…!"

"And how do I know, because you told me?"

We pause once more, then Peeta turns on his heel and before I know what he's doing he has his shoes and jacket on, opening the front door. I rush over and block the door knob.

"You can't just leave…Damn it, Peeta, you're overreacting!"

His voice drops, and his next words are more harsh whispers than shouts.

"It was always Gale, wasn't it? He was always your first choice. You only noticed me because of the games, Katniss. It took a whole nation of people to force you to kiss me."

I look up in his face, panic setting in. He's right in a way. But the games don't matter, it's always been him, he's the boy with the bread…

"And why would you stay with me, anyway? We both saw that video of me choking you. Why else would you be here other than pity, or lack of options?"

"Peeta…"

"Stop, Katniss."

His eyes meet mine, and what he just said registers with me. I know that Gale isn't anything, but what would this look like to Peeta? I was friends with Gale first, I never even spoke to Peeta before the reaping. I wasn't exactly happy with the fake marriage, or any of the publicity. That doesn't mean I don't care about him… it just took me so long to figure it out. It would have happened anyway, it would have….

He's been captured, everything he knows ripped out and put back together in the wrong order, he's haunted by false memories.

What Peeta just said about that video of him attacking me, his fake leg… It hits me all at once. I look up into his blue eyes and I see the hurt. I was so busy with Peeta being sweet and kind and good that I never stopped to think about what he thought of himself.

It kills me, absolutely kills me to realize that Peeta Mellark hates himself. He's insecure about Gale, his leg, his memories, basically everything. To find out I lied to him, about Gale of all things… I understand why he's upset. But he's so angry, he isn't letting me talk. I don't know what to do. I tug at his jacket and step closer to him.

"Peeta, don't go. I'm sorry; we can talk about this, alright?"

I kiss his face, his lips, but he remains frozen. I pull away and stare at him. He looks at me with such a cold expression that I'm afraid.

"You can't just kiss me and make this go away, Katniss."

And with that he walks out the door.

* * *

He didn't leave the District, of course. He ended up staying at Rory's house that night, while I curled up in the downstairs closet and tried to breath. Peeta just walked away from me. He didn't leave me, he didn't pack his things and go, but it still hurts so damn much. I hate that he's so upset, and I can't do anything about it. But I'm also so mad that he's mad. I can't do anything more than tell him what I already have; he's just too stubborn to listen to me.

I wake up the next morning in my closet, Buttercup pawing at the door. I untangle myself from the coats and boots, make some tea, then sit down on the couch. I was just about to get up and put some shoes on in order to go see if I could bring him back when I heard the door opening. It was Peeta, his clothes wrinkled and his eyes still cold. I don't say anything.

He makes tea for himself in the silence, and then sits on a chair at the opposite end of the living room. We don't look at each other.

"You left."

"You lied."

"Peeta, Gale has nothing to do with this. I never had anything even resembling feelings for him. I lied because I didn't want to hurt you. I care about you, Peeta. But you… you didn't have to leave."

He looks up, and I feel my eyes well up with tears and anger surge through my body.

"You told me you would never leave me!"

"You said you would never…"

"STOP!" I scream, knowing what he is about to say. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my fists at my sides.

"Do you know you're crazy? Do you know that I hate Gale right now for even existing? Peeta, I tell you and tell you everything! Just listen to me damn it! And then you go and…you leave!"

I pause, catch my breath in the silence, and speak up again.

"Why are you even back? Did you come to get your things… get some money for a train ticket..?"

I bury my face in my hands, so frustrated and overwhelmed with feeling like I'm going to cry.

"I'm not leaving you, Katniss. That's why I came back. But I'm still upset about Gale. I just… can you picture what that feels like to me?"

"Can you picture what this feels like to _me_?"

I look up, and Peeta is now standing as well.

"What if I told you that I was jealous of you and Delly?"

"That's ridiculous, Katniss… we're just…"

Our eyes meet, and I see just a hint of realization rise into Peeta's eyes. I brush away the few tears that have fallen from my eyes.

"Exactly."

I look down at the ground again, not able to look at him without wanting to cry, scream, yell at him and kiss him all at once. I feel him step towards me, then slowly rest his hand on my arm and guide me towards him. I sigh with the relief of being close to him again, and he leans his head on mine as he buries his hands in my hair. He whispers into my hair, "I just love you so much. I think about Gale and you, and how I just stumbled into your life. It seems like I was your second choice. If I lost you, Katniss, I don't know what I would do."

There's a small pause as Peeta strokes my hair.

"I'm sorry I left."

"I'm sorry I lied."

I look up at him and kiss him, glad he's back. I know Peeta may still need some reassuring, but he at least needs to know I love him. We can't keep having this same fight, going back and forth without any progress.

So, Peeta and I destroy the tapes. We keep the two that have Cinna, Prim, and Finnick and Annie's wedding. They get placed back in the box, which is put on the top shelf of the closet. They sit there, ready if we need them. The others we destroy, placing them on rocks in the backyard and smashing them to dust with a hammer I found in the basement.

We take turns, pounding on the scars of the past and the things we don't want to remember. I smash Snow, his stupid roses, and Seneca Crane. We both take turns with the Gale disk, which turns out to be extremellly satisfying. I let Peeta have the last hit, and we watch the wind carry away any misconceptions about the past and the future.

I tell him that the past is the past; we can't worry about it. I also pointed out that I could easily bring up Johanna naked in the elevator before the Quarter Quell and how Peeta seemed to stare, which made him both laugh and blush.

We kiss and he carries me upstairs, where we tangle ourselves together and promise to never leave or lie ever again. I say that this is real, right now. Me and him. Gale is in District 2. Peeta and I share a house, a bed, and a life. _That_ is what's real.

* * *

_Oh, I don't know how I feel about this one :/ thoughts, comments? Idek. Well, responding time! _

_**WaffleNinja:**  
_

_**Hey, you're back! You can view the "sexytimes" in my other story if you wish. :)**_

_**MissRox:**_

_**Hello lovely! lakjsdalkdja OMG WUT DID YOU JUST COMPARE ME TO PEETA? OK, I can die happy now. It's official. Yes, write write write! I'm sure you're great. If you want, shoot me an email and I'll read some! **_

_**DDH1215:**_

_**HAHA! I figured it was something like that ;) Thank you!**_

_**The-Sonnet-Rises:**_

_**Oh my goodness, thanks so much! I really appreciate it. Like, really. So much. :D**_

_**Lauren:**_

_**Chapter 20 ;)**_

_**bo-duke-fan-01:**_

_**No, it's fine! THE STORY CONTINUESS! :P**_

_****THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU FLAWLESS PEOPLE. **_


	21. Chapter 21

_I know it's been FOREVER sense I updated, but here it is! Enjoy and review!_

* * *

Chapter Twenty One._  
_

After the argument, Peeta and I fall back into place. It had been a few months, and life was just as it always was. We wake up together and eat breakfast. Peeta bakes, I hunt. Haymitch drinks and raises his geese.

Peeta has had another episode, but it wasn't bad. We were eating dinner (some bread and rabbit stew) when he dropped his glass of water, shattering the glass in all directions. I imediently got up and sat beside him, his hands were gripping the edge of the table so hard that they were turning white. I gripped his arm and buried my face in the crook of his neck, saying the usual things. After a few moments he was back.

We both still have nightmares, too. I always wake up sweating and screaming, which I feel awful about because Peeta never wakes up during his. I see images of Prim mostly, but Peeta kisses them away when I wake up. Neither of us has taken out the tapes; they are still buried in the depths of our closet.

One night I had a particularly bad nightmare, this time about Snow and Seneca Crane. I woke up screaming, my throat already hoarse and tears running down my face. Peeta pulled me close to him and whispered reassurances in my ear, kissing me and eventually I fell asleep.

I open my eyes, the thick air of the morning settling in the room and coming in from the open window. I can hear birds and feel the moisture of the early morning. Both me and Peeta are in the same positions that we fell asleep in after my nightmare. He smiles at me and kisses my forehead, brushing the blonde hair out of his eyes after.

"Feeling better?"

I nod and smile at him. He kisses me, and then slips out of bed and stretches.

"Do you have to go to the bakery today?"

"We have a huge order in. So yes, I do."

I sit up and hug my pillow to my chest, frowning at him as he pulls on his work clothes.

"Please?"

Peeta looks at me and sits down, a small smile on his face.

"You know I would if I could. You have to help Sae with the soup kitchen today, remember? Around lunch time?"

"I guess."

He smiles again and kisses me, pulling me a bit closer by the folds in my sleep shirt. I kiss him firmer, hooking one leg around him in an attempt to get him to stay.

He chuckles into the kiss and gets up, then tousles my messy hair and walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he turns to look at me I stick my tongue out, which makes him laugh again. I sigh and come to the conclusion that he really is going to the bakery today, and that I should get ready to help Greasy Sae in town.

I join him at the sink, brushing my teeth and taking a drink of water. When I'm done I notice that Peeta is looking over at me, a smile on his face and that look in his eyes.

"Do you need something?" I ask, finishing my small sip of water.

"Ya."

"OK…. What?"

"I need you to marry me."

I'm imediently caught off guard, trying to go through all the possibilities of what else he could have said that sounded like "marry me."

My heart jumps into my throught and I stare down at the sink, and then take a deep breath. I manage to look up and him and turn so we're facing each other. I don't know what prompted him to do this, I mean, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it looks like I spent last night in the arena.

I open my mouth to say something, but close it when I can't think of anything. Peeta is looking at me, the smile still on his face and the look still in his eyes.

"P…Peeta…"

Before either of us can say anything he kisses me, wrapping his arms around my ribcage and pulling me to him so we fit together just right. I feel one of his hands brush back my hair and gently tug, which makes chills go down my spine. He waits until I can't breathe to pull away, and it's now that I realized he moved us so we're back in the bedroom. He starts to speak, his voice a bit rough.

"Before you say anything, I want to say that I love you."

He leans his forehead against mine as he talks.

"I love you so much. I want to be able to introduce you to people as my wife. I want to see a ring on your finger every day and know that I put it there. I wake up to you every day, and I fall asleep with you in my arms every night. We brush our teeth together; I mean… we're married already. I just want to make it official."

"Peeta…"

"Katniss, I hope you know you mean everything to me. Just think about it, you don't have to say anything right now…"

"Peeta!"

He stops talking, and I look up at him and smile, and then took a breath.

"I was going to say that I agree. I see us as already married, Peeta. Of course… Peeta, of course I want to marry you."

He stares at me for a moment, like he didn't hear a word I said. It seems to hit him after a minute, and he picks me up in his arms and kisses me again.

"I love you so much," he whispers into the kiss.

"Me too."

His hands are in my hair and my feet are off the ground, and I feel Peeta lay me down on the bed so the full weight of his body is on me. He's still kissing me when he talks, and I can feel him smile.

"I think I will stay home today."

I laugh and kiss him harder, then I wrap my legs around him and reach to unbutton his shirt at the same time he reaches to pull my own shirt over my head. I kiss him down his cheek and his neck, and he grips my hip bone to pull me impossibly closer to him and I sigh and curse at the same time. He whispers once more into our kiss,

"Forget that. I'm quitting. I'm selling the bakery and never leaving the house again."

* * *

We eventually talk about the specifics of getting married. Eventually.

Neither of us wants a large party. We don't want a party at all, really. We decided on going to the city center and signing the marriage license the day after our toasting, which would consist of just the two of us. That's all I want.

Johanna, Annie, and Effie were planning on making a visit in about a month, so when they are all in 12 we will make the official announcement and have a few drinks. I know for a fact Effie will want to plan this huge extravaganza, but I'm adamant that she won't even suggest a party theme without a threat to throw her on the closest train. We could have the traditional song sung then, I suppose.

I'm not as afraid as I thought I would be. Peeta was right, we are already married. I'm not afraid of it, I'm happy. It's stable. I need that. Besides, I've wanted to get rid of the last name "Everdeen" for a while now. I associate it with pain, which is the only thing my family has ever given me. Prim and my father are both gone, so that name has nothing else to offer me.

But Mellark is a good name. Mostly, because it's Peeta's.

* * *

So what do you think? ;D

_**WaffleNinja:**_

_**KKLSJFLKJFLKSJF THANK YOU! I was worried, but I really appreciate this more than you know. I hope you like this chapter!**_

_**Endor Solo:**_

_**Thank you! :D**_

_****I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND YOU ARE MY FAVORITES THE END. :D :D **_


	22. Chapter 22

_Hello my favorite people! :D I promise the toasting is in the next chapter. It's 1am here and I need to get up at 5am to work, so I figured it was time for a break XD _

_ALSO: a shout out to MissRox for translating my story to french! Seriously, YOU RULE MY DEAR ROXY. _

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two._  
_

We are getting married in three days. Winter has begun to slip away, and most of the snow is gone. We have a few warm days every now and then, and a few birds have returned to the forest. Peeta's bakery is doing very well, and I'm back to hunting how I used to. I recently got my new permit, so I'm allowed in the woods beyond those of my house.

We have slowly been watering down Haymitch's liquor and making sure he is able to walk for at least a portion of the day. That conversation we had has stuck with me, and both Peeta and I have agreed that even though Haymitch's drinking has basically become a hilarious identity, it very well could kill him one day. With the Games disbanded and a bit of stability now back in Panem, I think it could work.

Haymitch has noticed this of course, but has been reasonably compliant. We don't stop his drinking all together, and I really think that is his main concern.

Along with the wedding in three days, we are expecting Johanna, Annie, and Effie in town in four. I called my mother on the phone to tell her, and she was thrilled. That doesn't mean she's going, though.

I understand that she doesn't want to return to District 12 and be confronted with memories of Prim everywhere she turns. But, I mean, this is for me. I'm getting married. I expected this from her, and I'm so angry that it actually upsets me.

Besides that, I'm nervous for the toasting. I don't know why, really. It's Peeta.

I can tell he's ecstatic about this. He's all smiles and jokes. He's told the guys at the bakery the news, but I urged him to refrain from talking about the small party. The last thing I need is for Peeta's coworkers to be gawking at me in my own house.

I called Johanna and Annie on the same day to let them know, and Annie was sweet and happy like I expected. She says she's bringing her son, Finn. Finnick had the name picked out before he died. Johanna took the news like she had known all along, and then made another sex joke.

Effie was a whole other matter. I let Peeta tell her; he would be calmer if Effie decided to go off on a tangent about colors and flowers. Or actually, when she decides to go off on a tangent. Peeta tells me she was bubbly and cheerful, and it took a full hour before he was able to convince her that Haymitch would ruin her decorations, so it would be best not to have any. She agreed and started asking about babies, which is when I took the phone from Peeta and hung up the receiver. We had a good laugh.

Peeta made me hot chocolate one morning. He's been getting into the habit of waking up before me and making some sort of breakfast, then sneaking back upstairs and curling up with me just as I wake up while it all cools down.

I open my eyes slowly and reluctantly, letting the sunlight almost blind me so I don't burn myself on the beverage Peeta hands to me. I smile in thanks and take a sip, closing my eyes as I do and letting my body adjust to the morning. I hear Buttercup at the foot of the bed, meowing and pawing at my feet. I kick in his direction and Peeta laughs.

"You give him a hard time, Katniss."

"You only say that because he likes you."

I open my eyes a fraction of an inch to see Peeta shrug, and then continue to scratch behind Buttercup's ears. Right on cue the hairball hisses at me, then turns and purrs in Peeta's direction. I roll my eyes and Peeta laughs, then stands up and starts to walk to the dresser to grab his work clothes. He stops in his tracks, and I pause as well. I see the muscles in his back tense, so I put my hot chocolate down and stand up, approaching slowly.

"Peeta? Are you alright?"

"I don't know."

Ok, so he's lucid enough to respond to me and not lash out. He's had these before, and I've learned to walk with him to the kitchen so he can take his medicine. He usually needs to sit for a moment after that, and then I get him some water. Sometimes I sing, even though he isn't so bad. He's fine after that.

I follow that same pattern, gently resting my hand on his back and talking to him as we walk down the hallway and the stairs. We make it to the kitchen and I grab his pill bottle, but when I turn around I see him holding onto the edge of the kitchen table. His head is down and I see his chest rising and falling. I speak softly and slowly.

"Peeta? This isn't real. You're Peeta Mellark, your favorite color is orange like the sunset, and you never take sugar in your tea. Just, try to take deep breaths alright?"

"Katniss, you need to leave."

I'm confused and starting to get panicked. He's never done this before. I know he must be worried he'll hurt me, he always is, but I know he won't. He never has.

"I'm not going anywhere, Peeta. Come on, just take this and sit down…"

"KATNISS! LEAVE!"

I drop the bottle on the floor, and then quickly pick it up in my shaking hands. He's still hunched over the table, and I see his skin flush. Before I can say anything he knocks over the chair, rattling my bones and making my heart jump into my throat. I hear him mumble again, meaning he's arguing with himself. I can tell he's crossing over. I feel the adrenaline running through my veins and my heart beating out of my chest. I focus on the one thing I need to do, which is get Peeta back. This is what I do for him. He holds me when I wake up screaming from my nightmares, and I take care of him when he gets like this. Before I can even say anything he yells again.

"GET OUT, NOW!"

"No, Peeta! Now, just…just take this!"

I walk to him with the pill in my hand, and he turns to face the wall. He grabs a plate from the counter and throws it to the ground, the glass shattering and spreading out across the wooden floor. He throws another, and a shard scraps down his arm leaving a bleeding cut behind. I step towards him, not caring about the broken glass beneath my bare feet.

"You like to sleep with the windows open! You make me hot chocolate every morning! You're a baker, and a painter!"

He throws another plate, this one shattering against the window and breaking that, too. I manage to reach forward and hold onto his arm as he leans against the wall again, shaking and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Katniss, I'm going to hurt you if you don't leave right now!"

"No Peeta! Listen to me! You double knot your shoe laces! We're getting married in three days! You planted the Primrose bushes for me!"

He stops throwing the dishes, and his breathing becomes calmer but still remains labored. He is still facing the wall, his fists clenched at his sides and shaking. I take advantage and move closer to him, continuing to talk without shouting. I wrap my fingers around his and they release their tension, allowing me to place the pill in his palm. He takes it and swallows, and I lace my fingers with his as I talk. His grip is rough and painful, but I'm not going to let go.

"Your name is Peeta Mellark. You made me hot chocolate this morning. You scrunch your forehead when you're thinking about something serious. You like it when I kiss your neck, and you're ticklish but won't admit it to anyone."

His breathing is easier now, but his eyes are still closed. The feeling starts to come back to my fingers as his grip relaxes. I try to brush his blonde hair from his face, stuck there from his sweat. I don't know how I know, but there is a feeling in the room that tells me he's out of his episode.

"Peeta?"

"Katniss."

He turns his head to look at me, his blue eyes sad. They're tired.

"I told you to leave."

I pause, not sure what to say to him. I step even closer to him and lean against him, holding onto his shirt to keep us both stable and standing.

"I'm not gonna do that."

Our eyes meet again, and I kiss his cheek.

"I could have hurt you."

"You didn't."

It's now that he notices the broken plates and the window. The glass can be replaced; I know he's still upset that he slipped into an episode. He slowly steps away from the wall and turns to face me, placing his hands on either side of my face and letting his fingers tangle with my hair. He says again,

"I could have hurt you, Katniss."

"You didn't. Don't let this upset you, Peeta."

"How could it not? We were talking, and everything was fine… it just happened…. I don't know why. I could feel it Katniss, I could feel the anger inside of me and the trackerjaker venom and I didn't know what I was going to do. I mean, what if it actually happens one time? What if I hurt you? I can't… I can't let myself do that. We can't even drink the damn hot chocolate without this happening."

He looks at me, his blue eyes boring into mine and he looks at me in such a tender way it scares me. He kisses me softly, then looks at me again and talks in a hushed voice.

"I love you so much. I always believed you, when you would tell me that I make you happy and that's all you need. I believed you because I care so much about you, but sometimes I think the best thing for you is to remove me from the picture."

"No, Peeta. I need you; I need you to stay with me. We're doing the toasting in three days, remember?" He smiles when I say this.

"It isn't worth it, without you."

I kiss him, and we clean up the broken glass. Peeta puts new panes in the window with some spares that I found in the basement. We kiss some more, and as we stand in the newly cleaned kitchen I think of something.

"Hey Peeta?"

"Ya?"

"I don't want to wait three days."

* * *

_Oh haii. Review and let me know what you think! I read this over and had a reaction sort of like "what is this crap." IDEK it's just way too early, or too late... one of those things. Comments!_

_**WaffleNinja:**  
_

_**Oh yay, I love favorite quotes! I thought about what Katniss would do with her name, so I figured I would put that in there. I didn't want it to seem that she would only take his name because of tradition, because I do see her as someone who (without her specific life events) would keep her own last name. **_

_**Pinky50142:**_

_**Thank you so much! Here it is, I hope you enjoy! :D**_

_**Hungergamemaniac:**_

_**Awwww, no! You're awesome. Thanks so much 3**_

_**MissRox**_

_**ROXY! Haha, me too! I was typing and it just kind of flowed from my finger tips. I was like, hey, this is different :p I'm also so glad you liked it! NOW GO STUDY FOR YOUR EXAMS :D :D**_

_**Faerie:**_

_**dadkjaldkjadklasjdaldj OH STAWP WITH THE AWESOME :D**_

_****Once again, I love you all!**_


	23. Chapter 23

_OH MY GOODNESS. So, this is the last chapter everyone. I'm seriously getting emotional, because writing this and talking to all of you has been so incredibly fun and amazing. To all of my readers, including the ones you didn't review, I love you all and you are the reason that people like me publish on a website like this for no credit and no money. I hope you all enjoy the toasting, and I wish you all happiness. As a reminder, my email and tumblr is on my profile page if you ever want to talk, get help with writing, or need some advice. I'm always willing to talk. _

* * *

_**"There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story." **  
**― Frank Herbert**_

Chapter Twenty-Three._  
_

After the kitchen is clean and the window is replaced, Peeta and I turn to each other as if to ask "what now?" After a moment of silence a smile spreads across Peeta's face and he brushes aside a strand of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes.

"So, we should get ready I guess?"

I smile back and nod, and Peeta turns on his heel to run upstairs and put on some nice clothes for the walk into town. We have to go to the city center of course, that is where I got my hunting permit and also where they give out marriage licenses. I realize that both Peeta and I will need one witness each, but sense he's already upstairs I figure that I need to catch up. I laugh when I think about Peeta, now in a giddy and almost childlike mood. I walk up the stairs and see that Peeta is rummaging through the dresser for some dress pants. I turn to my closet, and then take a breath. I know what I'm going to wear, and I know it's going to remind me of Cinna.

I push to the back, brushing aside various outfits and all of the things Cinna has made for me. I couldn't get rid of most of them, especially my Mockingjay dress. I eventually pull out a dark blue dress, made of a material that feels soft against my skin and has a subtle silky quality to it. The sleeves are long and end with a cuff at my wrists, hanging a bit loosely. The hem comes to the same level as my knees, and it ties at my waist. The collar is a slightly lighter blue than the rest, and it has three or four dark blue buttons on the front. This is one of the dresses Cinna made for me, and I can tell it was just for me; meaning that it wasn't something that would be appropriate in front of a Capitol audience. It was more like a District 12 dress with a bit of Cinna's personal touch.

I pull the dress from the closet as well as a pair of simple black slip on shoes. I mentally convince myself that my hunting boots probably wouldn't be good for today. I slip into the bathroom to change, and the dress fits me perfectly. It's a bit loose in all the right places, and even the shoes don't irritate me as I would have thought. I twist my braid into a knot and pin it back, almost like my mother knows how to do.

I stand there, in my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. I never even glace at my reflection usually, so it's as if I haven't seen myself in years. I see one of my scars peeking out from the neck line, and I feel a wave of anger wash over me. But, then I remember why I'm wearing the dress, and I'm happy again. I really can't let these things bother me anymore. I'm alive and getting married, and that's so much more than so many people could ever hope for after everything that has happened in the past few years. I just wish Prim was here to see it.

I have an idea.

I open the door a fraction of an inch and I see Peeta buttoning his one and only dress shirt. It's a blue-grey color, and I know he's never worn it before. Apparently he never found his dress pants, so instead he settled for his only pair of kakis that aren't covered in flour and icing. I slip out of the bathroom, moving through the smallest opening that I could make. Peeta buttons his last button and looks at me, then smiles. His eyes are kind and perfect, and he speaks right away.

"I'm sorry I couldn't find my dress pants, I don't know…"

"You look perfect."

He smiles at me and steps forward; I'm sure he must be in pain from the huge grin on his face. His hands rest on my sides and he kisses my forehead. He pulls me closer, burying his face in my hair and taking a deep breath.

"You look… I mean, Katniss… wow."

I laugh at him and give a playful shove, then turn to make my way downstairs.

"Come on Peeta, they aren't going to stay open all day."

He meets me outside the door and I remember my idea. I turn to look at the Primrose bushes, the ones Peeta planted for me so long ago, and I see that the small yellow blossoms have begun to bloom in the early days of spring. I pick a few, taking care to choose the ones from the back of the bushes that wouldn't last too long without sunlight anyway. I tuck them into the weaves of my braid, and place one behind my ear.

Prim and I used to do this when I was much younger and she was barley talking. She loved how I could go around the seam, picking out so many different colors of flowers and putting them in her thin blonde hair. We stopped after my father died. I didn't have time; I needed to put food on the table.

I look at Peeta, who has an expression in his eyes that seems to say "I wish she was here, too. I wish so many others were here."

I smile and say, "See? She's here now."

Peeta smiles back and takes my hand, kissing me on the cheek as we head off into town. We make it to the town center, and I'm relieved when people don't stare. I'm always afraid we will be bombarded by more cameras and curious people, but it's just a normal day in District 12.

I remind Peeta about our witnesses, so he quickly runs into the bakery and grabs Dave from the back, still mostly covered in flour. Delly follows them; as it turns out she was in the bakery buying some bread and quickly volunteered to be my witness. Her face is glowing as much as her blonde hair, and when she sees me she almost knocks me over with the force of her hug. I smile back at her, still a bit put off by her hyperactivity. Today, though, I can't really get angry about much.

Dave greets me too, and all four of us walk to the city center. It's a modest building, with a brick exterior and plain walls on the inside. We go to a small room to the left, which is the permit office. Peeta tells the clerk what we need, and she leaves us in a small room adjacent to the hallway with a smile. In it is a couch, a table and two chairs, and a large window that lets the sunlight stream in.

Peeta and I glance at each other, smiles on both our faces. Delly is about to explode, and I notice Dave hasn't pulled his gaze from her since they met. I nudge Peeta and point this out to him; we both share a small laugh. Peeta turns and tells Dave something when Delly leaves to use the bathroom, and I see him blush and shake his head. When Delly came back I asked what Peeta had told him, and with a smile he explained that he thanked Dave for being here, and also just happened to mention that Delly is very much single. I laugh with my face in my hand, trying to muffle myself because I know Delly will ask me what's so funny.

The same woman who was at the front desk walks in, asks Peeta and I to stand in front of her, and instructs Delly to stand next to me with Dave on Peeta's side. Peeta and I join hands; I feel his palm slightly sweating and as soon as I'm asked if I want Peeta as my husband my leg starts to nervously twitch.

It's a simple ceremony, really. We both get asked if we are sure, and if we promise to remain faithful and all that good stuff. To be honest, I only listened enough so I could say "Yes" in response; the rest of the time I stared down at Peeta's hand surrounding mine. Peeta looks at me when it's his turn, and our eyes meet for a second. He smiles, and I can feel his words even though he isn't saying anything.

This is Peeta, my Peeta, and we've been through so much and lost almost everything. Now, we're standing here together -with cuts and scars, sure- but we're whole when we're together. I truly need this man, and I know he feels the same about me. We've been married for years, but today, it's put on paper.

I hear Peeta say one word that breaks me from my thoughts, "Yes", and his lips are on mine while I listen to Dave pat Peeta on the back and Delly let out some sort of half shriek, half cheer. We both sign the marriage license, and then all four of us sign a paper for the official record. I'm also handed a name-change form, which I'm not mandated to fill out.

But I do.

I'm Katniss Mellark today, and it feels new and wonderful. To have Peeta's name is enough, but to be rid of Everdeen has lifted a weight from my shoulders that I didn't even know was there. I'm new, and fresh, and Katniss Everdeen is left behind me along with all the painful memories I've had to live with for so long.

Deep in conversation, Delly and Dave don't notice when Peeta and I slip out the door and go back to our house. I laugh when we get to the front door and Peeta sweeps me into his arms and tries to open the door all at once. With a flushed face he puts me down, opens the door, and then carries me in.

We sit down together in front of the fire place, and we use bread that Peeta made last night for dinner. It's the same bread that he threw to me that day in the rain, the kind with raisins and nuts. He remembers too, because when we slice it and begin to the toasting he looks at me with a warm glow in his eyes.

In what seems like seconds, the bread is crisp and brown. Peeta feeds me half a slice, and I feed him the other half. I smile and wipe some crumbs from his face, and he kisses me. I can taste the sweetness of the raisins and still feel the warmth from the bread.

I lean into his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me. I curl up close to him, the warmth of the fire so close, but I don't need it.

I feel Peeta's breath on my forehead, and then his lips. I sigh and lean closer to him. We've been silent for most of this. I suppose the actions speak for themselves, but I want to make sure Peeta hears a few things.

"Peeta?"

I tilt my head just enough to make eye contact with him, and he smiles as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. He whispers huskily in response, "Mrs. Mellark?"

I feel my heart swell and I smile up at him, brushing his neck with my lips. I speak back to him in a quiet voice, almost as if the moment will break if anything is too loud or too sudden.

"I love you. I want you to know that. And I want you to know that, no matter what, I'm not going anywhere."

I shift a bit, sitting up and turning so I'm facing him straight on. He has the belt of my dress between his fingers, and my heel is hooked around his hip in our usual position. I look right at him, my boy with the bread, and I know that I'm nothing but sure of this. I keep talking.

"I know that earlier today you were upset, and I understand. But you leaving me isn't going to make anything better. You're too hard on yourself, Peeta, and it breaks my heart."

He plants a soft kiss on my nose before I continue, his face still lingering close to mine.

"You're so good, Peeta. You're the only reason I'm here right now, and nothing that happens will ever take me away from you. I don't care about the episodes. I don't care about your leg. You're strong, and good, and I love you so much. I know that I can be cold, and I can shut down if things get too complicated. I feel about you how you feel about me, even though I've never said it."

"Katniss…"

Peeta kisses my nose again, and then softly and slowly kisses my lips. He whispers to me, still inches from my lips.

"Katniss, you know I love you. I might say things, about me and about my episodes. But I'm not going anywhere. This –you- are all I've ever wanted. Everything I've done and everything I will do is for you. I promise I'll take care of you, I'll hold you when you cry and I'll protect you from any pain. I know, with everything you've been through, that you're used to pain and struggling every single day. Katniss, I promise I'll be here, with you, no matter what. You can always count on me, alright? You are the reason for everything I do, and you don't have to worry about me. I will be here, I will be stable, and I will be yours."

"Peeta…"

I feel his hot breath on my lips, and I close the distance between us with a kiss. He pulls me closer, and we move slowly but steady. It feels like the first time we kissed after the war, when he was going to the Capitol. Nothing was forced, and it was warm and perfect. I whisper into the kiss, slowly so he can properly hear.

"I know Peeta. Your mine and I'm yours. You can have me, Peeta."

He kisses me again.

"You can have me."

"Well then, come here."

His blue eyes burn into me, his soft voice sends chills down my spine, and his arms are strong around me when we stand and go upstairs. He kisses me softly, slowly, and deliberately. He brings his hands to my face, touching me so gently that it almost tickles my skin. I lean into him and take a breath, willing time to freeze so I'll be here with Peeta forever and exactly like this. He pulls me closer, and piece by piece our clothes are pulled off. It isn't rushed or messy.

I've heard things about wedding nights, that people rip each other's clothes off and rush. We aren't like that, at least not tonight. Everything is in slow motion, and Peeta takes care to kiss every visible inch of me before removing anymore of my clothes. He lays me down, and I feel his body on mine. His lips move across my collar bone and my shoulders. He tilts his head slightly, smiles and then leans over to kiss me again as he's slowly unbraiding my hair.

His shirt is gone, I kiss his chest, and then my dress is slipped over my head. His hands are all over me, and his lips follow. He leans close to me and kisses every scar that I have. He traces one of my scars, a thin one that runs from my shoulder to my waist line. He kisses where it ends on my shoulder, and leans his forehead on mine. He whispers,

"We match."

He places my hand on his chest, over his own thin white scar that seems to follow the same path as mine. He brings his body closer and I see it mirrored in mine. He kisses me again, and I get lost in him.

* * *

I start thinking as Peeta still kisses me slowly, his eyes glowing as he calls me Mrs. Mellark again. We have years, Peeta and I. I never thought about that, because for so much of my life I didn't know if I would make it through the day.

Years with Peeta, just like this. I know we'll fight about stupid things, and I know the nightmares will still come. But that's life, and what we have now is so much more than I could have ever hoped for. He looks at me and I feel the butterflies in my stomach.

When I was much younger, my mother would tell Prim and I stories right before we went to bed. This was when my father was still alive, and even though we didn't have much he made us feel so lucky. The stories are my favorite part of the small childhood that I did have. My mother called them fairytales.

But now, I don't believe in fairytales. I know that things don't end with a happy ever after. The war didn't. Finnick's life didn't. Peeta is the closest thing I have to a happy ending, but we both aren't naive enough to think that it's as simple as that. I know there will be bad days. There always are, that's life, and lately I've been learning that there are good parts of life as well.

The good parts are like now, with just me and Peeta. Or a few days later, with Annie, Johanna, and the rest. None of us will be the same, but when Annie holds baby Finn in her arms and I see Johanna smile even the slightest bit, I know we'll all be alright. I know we'll be alright when I see Effie and Haymitch getting along for the first time I can remember, because he came to the party sober. I know when spring comes and I feel the warm air in my lungs once again.

I might have a nightmare, but when I wake up in the morning Peeta will be there and the day will have the potential to be good. The bad things don't dictate my life anymore.

Years. We have years.

My life isn't a fairytale, but that's fine. Fairytales are boring, and they're not real. I can focus on what is real: Peeta's heart beating next to mine, Haymitch telling sober jokes, and baby Finn laughing. Will everyone live happily ever after? No, no one ever does. But I can say this.

We will live, and we will be happy.

* * *

_**WaffleNinja:**_

_**Oh, I love you. I just thought I would let you know :D Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to send such thought out reviews. Honestly, it's been so much fun. I appreciate everything, and I really hope you like this last one. **_

_**LeLaLondon:**_

_**Hello dear! Thank you so so much! I hope you liked the rest of it, and don't let me keep you up too late! Working while tired majorly suckkksssss. :P**_

_**MissRox:**_

_**ROXYYY BB I'M SO SAD D: D: I love you so much and thank you again for everything, especially the translation. You are seriously one of the most awesome people I've met on here, for real. **_

_**Guest:**_

_**As you probobly already know, I have a separate "M" rated story up for Chapter 18. Thank you for reading! It makes me happy when new people find this story :D**_

_****SO MANY TEARRSSSSS. Don't forget about my email and tumblr, and you can add me to your author alerts in case I publish anything else. Don't be a stranger! **_


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